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Chapter Five

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

I survived the flight…minus getting a magazine flung at my head by Nick. After smacking his arm until he cried like a little girl, I found my inner calm and hunkered down next to Brian for the entire flight. I dozed off and on but it’s always been hard for me to fall into a deep sleep. Even though I’ve travelled around the world more times than I can count, I still have a hidden fear of crashing. I know that even if I’m awake when the plane goes down that I couldn’t really do anything, but it’s the thought itself that keeps me awake.

By the time our flight landed, I was stiff from sitting so long, hungry because the airplane food (even for first class) sucked, and desperate for a shower. My mouth felt rancid and dry and my beard itched me like crazy. I contemplated shaving it off. It wouldn’t be the first time that I randomly shaved some part of my head.

As I stood stretching and trying to get some circulation back into my extremities, Kevin took charge.

“"Alright. Addy and I will ride in the van with Howie and Leigh. Sam why don't you ride in the mid-size with Brian and crew? AJ and Nick you take the small car.”

"Wait," Nick said.

"Hey--" I argued.

No one paid any attention to me. They piled into the vehicles. I figured it wasn’t important enough to argue about. I wanted a shower and if that meant sitting next to Nick…well so be it.

As luck would have it, no sooner had we gotten on the road that we got caught in traffic.

"This is great. Just fucking great," I said. I pulled at the rubber band around my wrist and snapped it.

"What's that for?" Nick asked.

I looked at him.

"I'm trying to quit cussing."

"And that helps how?"

"Every time I cuss, I snap the rubber band. The stinging after-pain is a reminder for me to stop mouthing off."

"And why are you not cussing?"

"Maybe you forgot, but I have two kids coming," I said dryly. I was surprised Brooklyn’s first word hadn’t been ‘shit’ or ‘dude.’

"You can't tell me you're never going to cuss again," Nick said skeptically.

I felt a sudden pang in my heart. I looked down at my chipped black nails. I needed a pedicure badly.

"If Rochelle will talk to me again, I'll do anything."

"You love her a lot, don't you?" Nick asked quietly.

That was the biggest understatement I had ever heard. I looked over at him. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I didn’t want to even tear up. My sunglasses were in my bag in the trunk, completely out of reach.

"With all my heart. I wish I could take back all the stupid stuff I did, but I can't. I'm just working on being a better person for the future."

"If you could say anything to her right now, what would it be?"

I thought about that. There was so much left unspoken between us. I knew I couldn’t begin to cover it all.

"I'd let her know that I miss my monkee and I just want to go back to the way things were. I want to laugh again. I think we got so wrapped up in 'babies, babies, babies' that it took us away from 'us.' Now that we've got two on the way I'm excited, but I'm just as excited to get to know the real Ro again."

Nick smiled. “If it’s any help, I think it’s going to be okay.”

I smiled weakly. “You’re always the optimist.”

Secretly I admired that quality.

Nick snorted and said something stupid about the Bucs. We lapsed into silence. My hostility
towards Nick was disappearing a little. I was a slow thaw-er.

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Once we arrived at the hotel, we all went our separate ways. Our bodies told us it was morning again but it was evening in Tokyo. That suited my needs. I showered and crawled into bed. We would be up early the next morning to do a complete run through. Then there was sound check, meet and greets, a backstage tour, and the concert. Then we’d go to sleep and do it all over again the next day…and the day after that.

I slept pretty well…except I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that someone was walking around my hotel room humming the theme from Mission Impossible. It was the weirdest dream I’ve had in a long time.

By the time I woke up it was eight a.m. I was pretty sure Kevin had said something about meeting down stairs for breakfast at nine. I powered on my cell phone and rubbed my eyes.

I was surprised to see that I had three phone messages. All were from Rochelle and all were within the last hour.

I had hesitated to call her and let her know that our flight arrived safely. I opted against it, half-scared that she was praying that the plane would crash. Seeing her name repeated there on my screen gave me a little more hope. I dialed home and leaned back into my pillows. I played with my chin stud, rotating it around my fingers.

“AJ?”

There was no hello, just my name, but it wasn’t my name spoken angrily. In fact it sounded like she had been crying.

“Ro, what’s wrong?”

“I got your e-mail.”

“My e-mail?”

She sniffled. “I…that was a beautiful poem.”

I slid out of bed and headed out into my entertainment lounge. My laptop was lying right where I had left it. I sat down and powered it on. Ro sounded too forgiving for me to screw up the moment.

“I miss you,” I said gently.

“I know. I saw the video. You really didn’t know Nick was taping?”

I was absolutely, positively confused. But I could honestly tell her I didn’t know Nick was taping. I wasn’t even sure what film she was talking about.

“I had no clue,” I said earnestly.

Ro sniffled again.

“J?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to go see that counselor.”

I waited for my e-mail to load. I smiled.

“Really?”

“Yeah. And when you get home…maybe we can go together.”

My hand tightened on the phone.

“I’d like that.”

Ro took a deep breath. “Okay, well…have a safe trip.”

“I will. Hey monkee?”

I thought I heard her sniffle again.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

She blew her nose.

“Thank you, for that.”

I didn’t expect a love you back. That would have been way too much progress. But I took that thank you to heart.

“Bye, Ro.”

“Bye, J.”

I hung up and clicked on my sent mail folder. My eyes widened in surprise.

Sure enough. 'I' had sent an e-mail at two forty five in the morning. There was a really nice poem and a little explanation of a video clip that I had no clue Nick had taken. I downloaded the video. It was of the conversation I had with Nick in the car.

“Sonofabitch,” I muttered.

Snap.

I sat back in the chair thoughtfully. Maybe my weird dream hadn’t been a dream after all.

This has the work of Nick Carter written all over it.

And I owed him one.

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Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

I headed down to breakfast with my sunglasses on and a smile on my face. Everyone was seated at a long table. Bowls of steamed rice, miso soup, fish, pickled plums, and something with a leaf floating in it were laid out in the middle of the table.

Howie and Kevin were chowing down with gusto. Brian was eating politely. Nick was eating pop-tarts. I sat down in the empty chair next to him and pointed at the leafy something.

“What is that?”

“It’s called chawan-mushi,” Howie explained.

“It’s like a custard,” Kevin said.

I took a small helping of everything. Everyone broke into conversation but I ate quietly.

“What’s with the shades, J?” Kevin asked.

“I feel naked without them,” I said. Practically twenty years of my life had been spent behind the tinted lens. I really didn’t need them, but they were my signature item. It completed ‘the image.’

Kevin didn’t press and I didn’t offer any further explanation. After about an hour we all got up to head over to the arena. I pulled Nick back.

“I want to talk.”

Nick slid his hands in his pockets.

“Bout what?”

“You send that e-mail didn’t you?”

The one big thing about Nick is he’s the world’s worst secret keeper. I’m probably the second worst secret keeper, but Nick just sucks. He grinned and bounced on the balls of his feet.

“What e-mail?”

“Nick, don’t bullshit me.”

Snap.

“You’ve got to stop doing that,” Nick warned. “Or get some of those Silly Bandz. Those are more fun-ner.”

“Wait, this isn’t about rubber bands. This is about the e-mail. Why were you filming?”

Nick laughed.

“I tried out this small shirt cam of Sam’s and forgot to take it off. I just thought it was a good conversation.”

Nick frowned.

“Shit, I didn’t screw things up more, did I?”

Part of me really wanted to flip out on him and just make him feel like dirt. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t do that.

“No, I think…you might actually have helped. Ro called me this morning and we had a really good talk.”

Nick smiled. “I think marriage counselor’s my next profession.”

We started walking towards the lobby.

“Don’t press your luck, Nick.”

“Well, does this at least mean you forgive me?”

I sighed. It was hard to stay mad at someone who probably should be running around in a helmet at all times to guard against all the stupid stuff he did.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“So we’re Nizzle and Jizzle again?”

“We never stopped being Nizzle and Jizzle,” I explained.

Nick paused at the opened to the van door.

“If you replace the z’s in Nizzle you get nipple,” he said, his eyes sparkling. He got in and I climbed in after.

It was really scary that he reproduced. I just hoped that Liv’s influence would counteract all of the crazy flowing through those kids’ veins.

Of course the world wouldnt see true crazy until my kids were born.

And that was twelve short weeks away.