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Chapter Six – April 6

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

It's hard to believe, but I think going on tour was the best thing I could have done. The days didn't really seem to have a beginning or end; they just melted into each other.

The only moment that really stood out each day (besides all the dumb shit - snap - the other guys did) was when I talked to Ro. Somehow being separated by continents had actually released some of the tension between us. Well, that and Nick's little e-mail. I still owed him for that. Every day my monkee sounded happier and happier. We had even begun to laugh again.

Me and the guys were on the plane to Taipei and I was looking forward to a sightseeing day. Kevin and Nick were arguing about a bet they had made. If Nick stayed away from all fast food for a month, Kevin had to grow his hair out and bring the weave back. If Nick lost, he had to burn his signed Bucs jersey. He treated that thing like his third kid. All of us had been watching Nick like a hawk for a screw-up, but so far he hadn't done anything more but inhale deeply whenever any of us had fries. An hour ago Kevin had tried to sneak a fry into his breakfast sandwich, but Nick tore the thing apart before eating it and found it. His dedication was er, fudging, admirable. In fact, he was losing weight and adding muscle. I would never tell him this, but he was looking good.

We were about a half hour from landing when my cell phone rang. This in itself wasn't unusual but the caller was. It was my mom. She usually let me be the one to call because of the difference in time zones. This couldn't be good.

"Hi mom," I said. "What's--"

"Alex, you need to come home. Now."

My heart started to pound. I had been slumped down in my seat but I shot up fast.

"What's wrong?"

Now, I should mention that my mom is the
coolest person on the earth. I had only seen her freak out a couple times. The worst was when my grandma died. Her voice sounded the exact way it did then.

"I just got a call from Rochelle's mom. She's been in a car accident, honey. It...it was bad."

My blood ran cold. I heard a screaming in my ears. I didn't know if it was me actually screaming out loud or if it was just the pounding that had started in my entire body rampaging my eardrums.

My mom started to cry and I tried to speak through the closing of my throat.

"As soon as we land I'll get a plane out," I said. Mom didn't answer and I couldn't say anything else. I closed the phone.

Everyone was looking at me. I saw their mouths moving but I couldn't hear them.

Part of me hoped that mom was just exaggerating. Maybe she hadn't even seen Ro yet. For all I knew it could be a minor fender bender. Brian touched my arm but I didn't turn in his direction. I pressed Ro's speed dial and listened. I was positive she was going to pick up and we'd have a good laugh over our mothers' overreactions.

The phone rang and rang and rang. Finally it rolled over to her voicemail. I closed the phone. I felt like I was going to fucking throw up. I yanked off the rubber band. At that second it just seemed, well, stupid.

"AJ? AJ, talk to me."

I blinked slowly. Nick was hovering over Brian waving her hand in my face.

"What's going on?"

"I need to go home. Ro's....been in an accident. It's...bad."

--------------------------------------

"You don't have to do this."

"Bullshit. You're not flying back alone."

"You should wait with the others."

"Why? I don't have anyone with me but me, myself, and I. It's your lucky day that they had two seats left. One for you, one for me."

Nick insisted on flying back with me. We got the last two seats on the next immediate flight out of Taipei. We were going to have a shitload of transfers and it was going to take twenty eight hours to get back home. Every second was pure torture. I just needed to keep going East to get home as soon as possible. Howie, Kevin, and Brian decided to stay and take care of Backstreet shit that needed to be handled and then take a flight home the next day.

As much as I had argued with Nick about coming with me, I was grateful he had. He didn't say much but every now and then he'd squeeze my arm and it brought me back to sanity if only for a little while.

I didn't hear from my mom again for about nine hours. We had already switched planes once and we were currently departing from Pakistan to France. From France we would have a direct flight to Tampa.

I heard my mom crying the moment I connected.

"Mom?" I said. I began to cry openly. The fear of the unknown had finally got to me. Somehow the sound of my crying allowed her voice to return. This time she was able to give me more detail.

"Alex," she said shakily. "Ro was in a head-on collision on the way to her doctor's appointment."

I inhaled; my lungs hurt from the sharp intake of breath.

"Is she---Is she--," I choked. I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"She's alive. There was...a lot of trauma. They've put her into a medically induced coma."

I pressed my hand hard against the side of my face. A thousand horrific images flew through my mind.

"What about the babies?"

My mom began to cry again. I ground my knuckles into the flesh on my cheek.

"They had to do an emergency c-section."

My brain seemed to black out for a second. Ro still had nine weeks to go. The thought of delivering the babies now was...unimaginable. Nick was holding onto my arm but I barely felt his fingers.

Ro and I had decided back when we first started trying that we didn't want to know what we were having until delivery. Now I didn't know whether to grieve over sons, daughters, or one of each.

"Alex? Alex? Alex did you hear me?"

Mom was frantically calling my name. I could only assume she had told me something else. I hadn't heard a word.

"Wh--What?"

"Did you hear me? They're both extremely tiny but they're alive. They're alive."

"I---I---really? I--what do I have?" My voice was barely a whisper.

"Your daughter was born first, weighing two pounds, one ounce. Your son came seconds later. He weighs one pound, fifteen ounces."

I couldn't wrap my brain around it. That's usually the weights I look for when buying chicken. Babies shouldn't be that small.

There was some static on mom's end.

"Alex, I have to go. I'll call you if there's any change....any change for the worst."

I barely remember mumbling an 'I Love You.' The phone dropped from my hands; I looked at Nick. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something. Where could I begin? How could I even put into words everything running through my mind?

"I...I have babies," I croaked.

Then I lost it.

--------------------------------------------------

By the time we landed and Nick hailed a taxi to the hospital, I had no concept of date or time. Nick had the taxi drop me off at the entrance of the hospital before taking him home. I remember him saying something to me, but I didn't comprehend. I got out of the taxi quickly and raced into the lobby.

Mom was waiting for me. I had called her the second we landed. She didn't update me on anyone's status and I couldn't tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Mom looked like she hadn't slept in years. I had a feeling I looked the same way. She wrapped her arms around me and I don't think I've ever needed a hug so much in my entire life.

"Drunk driver," she explained on the way to the elevator. "Ro didn't stand a chance. It's just a good thing her doctor's office is so close to the hospital. Ro's mom called me as soon as she found out and we met over here."

"Was she conscious at all?" I asked. I had gone from freak out mode to nerves of steel mode. Or at least I hoped I had.

"No, she was unconscious upon arrival. The doctor will explain it better than I can, but she's had some bleeding in the brain so they induced the coma to get her through the swelling."

We rode up the elevator in silence.

"She's in the ICU," mom explained.

I met Ro's mom at the entrance to the ICU. She hugged me tightly. I figured that Ro had probably told her what I had done, but she didn't say anything. Of course at times like these who really thinks about those things?

"The doctor's in with her," Ro's mom explained. She squeezed my hand and I went through the doors.

I hate hospitals. The moment I walk into them I want to turn around and walk out. I only have bad memories of hospitals. Of course this trumps anything I've ever experienced in the hospital before. The site of Ro connected to machines, tubes, monitors...it was all too much. Nerves of steel, my ass.

"You must be Alex," the doctor said quietly. It was almost like we were already talking at her funeral.
"Is she going to make it?"

"Well, there's been a lot of trauma and--"

"Cut the crap. Is she going to make it?"

I didn't care about the medical mumbo-jumbo or the time tables or statistics. I'm a 'yes' or 'no' type guy.

The doctor studied my face and turned to look at Ro. My poor monkee looked so tiny there in bed, her head wrapped up like she was wearing a turban.

"I'm not going to lie to you. I don't want to answer that question for another 24 hours," he said. "Until we know the brain swelling's going down and there's no signs of heavy internal bleeding."

I brushed past him and sank down by the bed. I took her hand in mine and glanced at the doctor.

"I'll talk to you in 24 hours then," I said.

Once the doctor left I sat there taking inventory of every visible inch of Ro’s face and arms. She was bruised practically beyond recognition. A tear dripped down my face and landed on her hand I held tightly in my own.

“You’re not going to leave me,” I whispered. “I’m not letting you go.”

I knew she couldn’t respond, but I have a strong belief that she could hear me. After another few minutes I leaned over and kissed her cheek.

“I’m going to go check on our babies,” I told her. “I heard we got a nice set; a little boy and a little girl. But I’ll be back.”

It was hell turning my back on her and walking out the door, but there were two other lives that I needed to check on.

I was terrified at what I would find.