I met my daughter today.

My God.

I can't believe I'm finally getting to say this... finally getting to write this part of our story down. Frankly, I don't even really know how to put into words how it feels. All of the overwhelming emotions that still, even hours later, fill my heart to the point of near explosion.

I guess I'll start with this morning.

We arrived at the orphanage at about 11:30, after taking a nerve-wracking taxi ride through the pothole-filled streets of the village. And I always thought airplanes made me sick to my stomach... whoa boy. I do not recommend swervy taxi rides through pothole-ish streets with a driver clearly used to navigating the craters (as evidenced by the 50 mph speeds!) to anyone. Ever.

I digress. Our translator, Alexei, and our adoption coordinator, Naomi, met us outside the gates as soon as we arrived to give us all the information they thought we'd need before going inside. Naomi, love her heart, tried her best to prepare us not only for the culture differences we would encounter inside, but in subtle ways it was clear she was trying to prepare us for the things we could never have anticipated.

And then, it was time to go inside.

And it was strange finally going through those gates after what felt like so many days of being forced to stand on the outside looking in... feeling like we didn't even belong there. It definitely felt chilling to finally be able to cross that line from being an outsider to an insider. It's weird though, the whole time we were inside I had this feeling that I couldn't quite shake. It was a feeling like I was going somewhere I shouldn't be going. I still didn't belong... and I never would. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was getting ready to see things I shouldn't be seeing. I think my heart knew before we even entered the doors that this place would be embedded in my mind forever.

When we first got inside we were met by a woman who we later learned was the director of the orphanage. Thankfully we had Alexei and Naomi to translate for us, but it still bothered me as I listened to them speak to the woman in Russian and of course couldn't understand a thing. Unsure of what they were saying and whether it was good or bad made me nervous. The woman looked at us with a kind smile though and my thoughts eased if only just a little.

I squeezed Jenna's hand as we were led down one long narrow hallway, and then another... and another. It felt like a maze of gray, dull colored walls, each disappearing into the next. We passed by rooms on the way and I glanced into a few. I couldn't see much, but what I did see was enough. Cribs lining walls in stark white rooms, no visible babies which meant they were probably laying inside, all but forgotten. I shivered at the thought.

Finally we arrived in a tiny room with a couch and a rug and several other chairs lining the walls. The director and Naomi left, closing the door behind them as Alexei took a seat across from us.

"They'll be bringing her down in just a few minutes."

I could feel Jenna's pulse quicken as she squeezed my hand even tighter. I looked at her for the first time really since we'd gotten out of the taxi. Her face was pale and her eyes were already glistening with tears. I felt my own heart race as I squeezed her hand back. She looked at me and tried to smile. I mouthed the words, "You ready?"

She nodded, smiling for real then, tears and all.

"You?"

I gave my best version of a forced smile and nodded back... even though I wasn't really. I don't think I could ever be ready for the moment I knew was coming. Truth be told I was more anxious than excited. More scared than thrilled. Less "ready" and more ready to get this over with. And I know that sounds awful, but the process had been a long and difficult one and now, I just wanted to get my daughter and go home.