I had a flashback this afternoon. Not like a military style, freak the frick out flashback or anything like that... but a bad enough one to send a chill down my spine and leave me with a good case of the cold sweats for hours after. I wasn't even aware that it could happen. I mean it's not like I've been having them over the past three years or anything, but I did and it sucked.

We were preparing to leave the orphanage this afternoon after our very last visit with Faith before our court appointment tomorrow morning - the appointment that will decide for certain whether or not she will be our daughter - when I was overcome with this tremendous feeling of fear and saddness. I was standing in the middle of the visiting room, holding Faith in my arms, rocking her back and forth as I always do on our visits while she stares up at the stars painted on the ceiling above our heads. Jenna was singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and filming Faith as her body hung limply in my arms, her lips the same bluish tint we'd grown used to over the past few weeks exhausted from the hour of playing we'd done. I knew that in a few minutes we would have to hand over our daughter to her caregivers and walk out of the orphanage and that we wouldn't get to see her again for at least 10 days. All I could think of in that moment was walking out of the hospital the evening that Jackson had died after handing him over to Karen, and knowing in those moments that we would never lay eyes on our beautiful son ever again.

And suddenly the overwhelming fear hit me. What if this is it? What if this is the last moment I ever lay eyes on my beautiful little girl? What if the judge says no? What if they send us home after all of this empty handed? What if, in the next ten days something happens to this little girl?

I tried to shake the thoughts from my head... "But she's doing so well!" I told myself, because despite the blue lips and the fact that she got tired so easily, every single doctor we'd seen had told us that Faith was doing incredibly well. I looked down at her, light as a feather in my arms. Her breathing steady and her tongue as always sticking slighty from between her pouty lips.

It was then that it hit me like a ton of bricks... so was Jackson.

Then I panicked.

I couldn't breathe, my heart raced and my body felt numb. Sweat poured down my back and tears filled my eyes. I quickly handed Faith to Jenna before I collapsed on the couch, unbuttoning the top buttons of my polo... anything to help get a little air.

"Oh my God, Nick!" Jenna had her own panicked look as she hovered over me, Faith snuggled comfortably on her shoulder as her mommy peered down upon her daddy with concern. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head... "I-I-I don't think I can do this."

Jenna's face fell. I could see the tears glistening in her own eyes as she hugged Faith tighter to her and began spitting upset words out at me faster than I could stop her. "B-but Nick we've come this far... we can't do this. YOU can't do this. And I... I LOVE her... and no... just, Nick no." I watched as she clung to our baby and moved across the room into the corner. She was crying and so now, was Faith, her little lips and hands growing bluer with each scream.

I stood and hurried quickly towards her, realizing my mistake and knowing I had to fix things fast. "Oh my God Jenna... No!" I whispered the words as I reached her... as I reached the two of them. "I didn't mean it like that. I just... I meant. Oh God." I shook my head, wiping my own tears as I put my arm around Jenna and pulled her close, hugging the two of them to my chest. Reminders of that day in the hospital when the two of us held Jackson together for the last time stirred within me again and I had to fight back even more tears. I reached out and gently rubbed Faith's back, watching as her sobs turned to quick gasps until finally after several long and scary minutes she rested her head against Jenna's chest and stared deeply into my eyes.

I looked up and found Jenna staring at me in much the same way. I shook my head, "I'm sorry." We walked over to the couch together, Jenna sat beside me and turned Faith around in her lap so that she was sitting up looking at us both. She smiled and my heart melted just a little more for the girl I thought I already loved as much as possible. And this is why she scared me so much.

"If that's not what you meant Nick... then what did you mean?"

I sighed, tears rolling down my cheeks as Faith reached out to take my finger in her tiny hand, "I just... I meant, I don't know if I can walk out of here today and leave her. I just meant that... I'm scared Jenn. I know we've done this every single day for the past three weeks, but this is different. This time I'm scared we won't get her back. I'm scared they'll say no. I'm scared something will happen and this is gonna be the last time we're ever gonna be with her."

Jenna looked at me and tears welled up in her eyes once more. She reached over and grabbed my hand, bringing it up to her face to wipe the tears, "I'm scared too," she whispered... "But we're gonna make it. She's ours... I can feel it in every part of my body."

I smiled, lifting Faith from Jenna's arms as the clock ticked closer to the moment we'd have to say good bye.

"You know," Jenna whispered, still wiping the tears from her face as she reached over and tickled Faith under the chin and watched her smile a pale, toothy grin... "I never thought I'd ever love someone as much as Jack... but I do... Oh how I do."

I nodded, kissing my daughter on the head, allowing myself to imagine for the briefest of moments how our lives would be in less than two weeks when we headed home to Florida and settled down to the happiness we'd been waiting on for years. "Me too... God, me too."

We spent the next five minutes piling on as much love as we could. I can't even remember how many times the two of us told Faith we loved her. How many times I assured her we were coming back. How many times Jenna said, "Don't forget us okay... we're not gonna forget you."

We sang her song to her and kissed her cheeks and fingers and ears and head, and I blew kisses on her neck and listened to her soft little laugh that I loved. Oh how I loved her.

And then they told us it was time to go and that fear hit me all again and all at once. I kissed her one last time and handed her over to her nanny, assuring her a million times and more that we would be back so very soon. And Faith cried. For the first time since we'd arrived at the orphange weeks before, our daughter reached out her arms for us and she cried.

And we cried.

I wanted to take Faith and run... but I didn't. I just watched as the nanny walked from the room with my daughter and I turned to my wife and took her in my arms and together the two of us walked from the room more resolute than ever before that we had to prove to the judge in the morning that this little girl was OUR little girl and that we were going to take her home with us no matter what.