My first great joy...

The day was May 18th 1999...

But first, let me preface this by saying; I know some of you may be thinking, 'But seriously, Nick?... you were 19. You mean to tell us you had no moments of joy before then? Or worse, all the moments you can remember are sad ones?

Well no.

I see it like this; our childhoods are filled with so many, many moments, both joyful and heartbreaking. Some of those moments are simpler moments, like the first time we learned to ride a bike or spell our name, or when we got our first big 'boo boo' or the first time our parents had to ground us. And some of those moments are major milestones, like our first kisses and our first fist fights. Our first loves... and our first real losses. But the thing about being a child, the thing about all of those moments, is this; we were children.

Simply put, but maybe not so simply understood.

Let me explain.

You see, yes, those moments are still our moments, just as the moments we make in our adulthoods are our moments, and even though I could fill pages upon pages with all of those moments, moments that would make you laugh and cry, tears of both joy and sorrow, the thing is, when we're children, there are a lot of things we don't understand. A lot of things we can't understand. And so we are incredibly impressionable. And because of this, a lot of the emotions that we feel as children are emotions that we feel only because the people around us are telling us to feel these emotions... are impressing these emotions upon us.

And so I think it's important to begin at adulthood, when the stories truly become our own. To begin in a time when I knew that my life was mine and not my parents... or my managers... or my bandmates... or anyone elses. My own. To begin in a time when I knew what I felt because I truly felt it for myself.

And so it was...

May 18th 1999, the day we released Millenium worldwide, and the first day I really and truly felt like the Backstreet Boys were welcomed in the United States. Not that we'd never had fans here... and not that we'd never had any success in the states. Because certainly, to an extent we had. It was just... it was new and different. Like going on a long vacation and nobody realizes you've been gone until you come back, but they're still incredibly excited to see you... like that. And it was an amazing and refreshing feeling, and at 19, finally freed from the control of my parents, for the first time in my life, I really felt like I could experience this success for myself.

And the best thing about that day is that I can still go back there in my mind sometimes, if I think about it really hard. If I concentrate enough, I can sometimes still imagine exactly the feeling of the atmosphere. I can still hear the way it sounded... the smells... and how I felt. And if I think about it really hard, I can put myself back in the moment, and still feel so incredibly blessed.

"That's right, it's three in New York, the kids in Times Square are screaming, the Backstreet Boys are harmonizing... that can only mean one thing; It's time for Backstreet TV, right here on MTV."

"Oh my god," I said, leaning over and whispering into Brian's ear as he sat beside me on the couch in the TRL studios, waiting for the show to begin, "this is insane!"

"I know," he said back, "and freaking amazing!"

He was right. My heart pumped unbelievably fast within my chest as I glanced around the studio. There were hoards of screaming teenaged fans, crammed into the studio alongside us. And still hundreds, if not a thousand more lining the streets of Times Square, right outside the windows. Their screams echoed up through the glass windows, at times making it feel as if the whole building was shaking. It made me nervous and excited all at the same time. They were screaming our names, they were sweating... they were crying. Some of them had been camped there for days. They held up signs that expressed their appreciation, their devotion and well... their love, for all of us. There were funny signs, fancy signs, signs that must have taken weeks to design and there were the typical marriage proposals. There were girls dressed up as if they were going to a fancy dinner party and girls dressed down in blue jeans with BSB t-shirts. There were girls who wore next to nothing and some who looked like they were too young to be seen out in public that way. There were girls of every size, shape and color, and some guys too. There was a little girl with her mom and a teenager with her grandmother... and it was just so incredibly cool and so incredibly heartwarming to look around and see the diversity of the American crowd.

Some fans sat in quiet awe, others chatted wildly. Some did their very best to get our attention and others sang and danced to their hearts content. One girl passed out and had to be taken backstage for medical attention. A pregnant fan that looked like she could give birth at any moment was offered a chair. It was crazy really.

I had to admit even I felt stifling hot and a bit ready to pass out, but I think it was more the adrenaline than the temperature that had me worked into a cold sweat.

I looked around at the other guys, gathered on the couch around me. Kevin looked calm and composed, just as he always did. He was people watching as usual, giving the girls his best version of his charming Kentucky smile and waving every now and then. Aj was seated on the floor in front of Kevin, his sunglasses covering his eyes as he chatted with Carson about who knows what. He and Carson always seemed to get along. Brian kept leaning over whispering gibberish into my ear in attempt to make me laugh, which probably would have worked if I'd been able to hear him over the roar of the crowd in the studio. And Howie sat at my feet, relaxed and cool in all of his suave Howieness.

And then Carson started talking into the mircrophone, but this time we could hardly hear him because the crowd went nuts. They settled down after a moment and I caught the last of his words... "nice to have you here."

Well thanks!

"What??" We all joked, taking cue from one another as we clasped our hands to our ears and feigned like we couldn't hear him... which wasn't far from the truth. I'm not sure who started it, probably Brian. The screams filled the air again and that's when Kevin took over the speaking. And I realized for the thousandth time why he was the spokesperson, because when Kevin spoke, people listened. He was cool, calm and collected and he knew how to command an audience.

Video rolled from earlier in the day of the moment we'd stood by the windows in the studio and for the first time in my life I'd seen my face appear on the jumbotron in the center of Times Square in New York City. And man what an experience that had been! It felt like a dream. A really good but crazy dream. Like I needed to ask Kevin to pinch me because for real, I didn't believe it could possibly be happening... even though it was. That kind of dream.

As I watched myself, the smile on my face in the video echoed the smile on my face at the moment. I listed as everyone around me talked to Carson. I was too nervous to speak just yet, as I often was in interviews, prefering to let the others do the talking, afraid of making a fool of myself. I prefered to sit back and listen, trying to get comfortable with my surroundings and settle into my role as the silly Nick Carter. The Nick Carter that everyone knew and loved. Even if in reality I was a much deeper person than I outwardly appeared to be. I watched as they showed video of the fans who'd stood in line to buy our CD, and nodded along with Brian as he thanked MTV and the fans and Carson for all of their support. Because seriously we all knew that without them we wouldn't have been there. Without them we'd still have been overseas touring and not at home where we felt we really belonged.

I listened to AJ as he talked about how far we'd come... through Brian's heart surgery and deaths in our families and all of the multiple setbacks to having a CD that we truly felt was our own. A CD on which we'd made many of our own decisions and had songs written by our own singers... and it made me realize how mature we'd all become. And I listened as they talked about our last record signing when only a couple hundred fans had shown up... and we'd been proud of that... to this... the thousands that had showed up today to scream and cry and to celebrate us.

And the rest of the half hour flew by. I collected gifts galore and spoke little. I sat and listened to the other guys talk, inserting my own input minimally. And before I knew it the show was over and we were gathered in our dressing room backstage.

"What do you think?" AJ asked as we stood around the window, peeking through the blinds at the fans still milling around below.

"I think if this is any indication," Kevin said, pointing down below to the crowd of fans and he laid his arm around my shoulder and patted AJ on the back with his other hand, "this is gonna be one helluva year."

"I think," I smiled as I pointed out to the jumbotron where we once more were featured and to the sign over the Virgin record store that showed our album cover and to the hoards of screaming girls that were staring up at the window as Kevin waved, "that it already is."

And it was. An unbelievably amazing year. To know what it's like to stand on the top. To be on the top. And to feel so happy and so amazing and so successful. That's not to say that the year was never stressful, because it was. Or that every day was filled with joy and happiness, because they weren't. But this isn't about a year of joy... it's about a day and that day... that day certainly was one of complete joy. And that was before we even knew we would enter the Billboard charts at number 1 and remain there for 10 straight weeks, or that we would sell 500,000 copies in the US on the first day alone, or 1,134,000 copies within the first week. Or that we'd set all kinds of records.

The thing was, at that moment, sitting in that TRL studio with all of those fans, none of that would have mattered. At that moment, sitting there with those thousands of fans, honestly, just knowing that all of them had gone out and bought the album would have been enough, because that would have meant that there were people in the US who truly cared about us and supported us. Enough to spend the night camping out in Times Square and stand there amongst the hoards of screaming fans and be there for us. And it was what we'd been hoping for all along.

And so yes, I can still go back there sometimes... and I do. In my thoughts and in my dreams. I can remember the sounds that echoed through the small studio -- those screams that made my ears ring and my heart pump wildly within my chest and my skin tingle with excitement. And the feeling of pure adrenaline... of running on fumes after the hectic week we'd had, with promotions all over the world, and not caring because the adrenaline kept us going. And the smell... the smell of a thousand different perfumes mingling together... and of sweat and tears... and I don't know what else, it was just a distinct smell. And I can still smell it sometimes if I try really hard.

And then there was how I felt. Like I was on top of the world. Like I was loved and supported and nothing could stop me... nothing at all.

The feeling of great joy.