And then there's the first great sorrow, which is so much harder to think about... not because it's more difficult to remember all of the details, because that's certainly not the case -- I can remember just about every little thing about those days as well -- But rather because those are the memories that come flooding back far too often. And they do so at the most random and inopportune of times, when I least expect thm to... and when I least want them to.

And especially because those are the memories I'd really rather never have to think about at all.

But they are also the memories that I really need to think about. At least sometimes. Becasue despite how difficult those moments were, they were a huge part of my life and they played a very integral part in the making of who I am today. And those memories, as painful as they can be, remind me of the fact that going through the whole experience, in the long run, only helped to make me a stronger, better person.

I can't do this..." I whispered into Kevin's ear, leaning over so I was sure he could hear me. My palms were sweating, my head was spinning and I felt like I was gonna hurl at any moment. I was some kind of combination of nervous, stressed, sad and angry all thrown together... and I'm sure you could add any other emotion and I probably felt some semblance of it at that exact moment.

"You'll be fine Nick... just chill," Kevin whispered back without even so much as glancing my direction. I could see that Kevin was in a no-nonsense mood and so I didn't press the issue, even though I still felt like crap and I still didn't want to go through with any of this.

I slowed my pace a bit, falling a little behind the group as I took a few slow, deep breaths, resigning myself to my fate as we made our way through the long narrow halls of the MTV studios, on our way to the newsroom for our interview with John Norris. I think all of us were just hoping we'd make it there without running into any fellow celebrities who'd ask questions we weren't ready to answer... or worse yet, fans who were there for the taping of our 'special announcement' on TRL that afternoon.

Yeah... 'special' indeed.

I took a few more deep breaths as we entered the room single file. I stuck to the rear, following Brian and seriously contemplating for a few seconds at least, turning around and running as fast as my legs would carry me, straight back to the dressing rooms. I mean, I doubted any of them would come after me. But I didn't... instead I walked inside and took the last remaining seat, on the couch next to Kevin. Next to him... but far enough away. Leaving the space where AJ should have been.

John sauntered in a few minutes later, nodding solemly in our direction. He sat on the seat across from us and fidgeted with his shirt collar while the production assistant helped afix his microphone.

All I could do was hope that he didn't ask too many questions, because who knew what any of us might say at this point. We were a group of grown men with so many mixed emotions we could probably simultaneously cry and bite someone's head off. Not that I thought any of us would bite John's head off...

"I'm glad you guys could be here, today," He finally said a few minutes later when I'd gotten lost in my own thoughts, "and I'm really sorry it had to be under these circumstances."

John had always been nice to us... I felt for him having to do an interview like this one.

"Are you guys ready?" He continued.

Kevin nodded back, Brian actually responded with a 'yes', Howie stared at the floor and I... well I just tried my best to swallow the growing lump in my throat and fight back the tears that threatened to slip from my eyes. To say I hated AJ in that moment would have been wrong... Because I didn't... really. I didn't hate him... I just hated what he'd done to us. Hated being put in this position. Hated the fact that I'd spent the past 24 hours in tears over him and he didn't even know it.

The cameras rolled on three and John began the interview. "So can you tell the viewers what brings you guys here today? One of you is noticeably missing."

Kevin nodded, but for the first time he didn't speak first, turning instead towards Brian, who nodded back and took the lead. "AJ has checked himself into rehab..." he said, amazingly somehow remaining unchoked, and even though he'd said the words out loud, it still didn't seem real. "He came to us yesterday and said, 'Guys, I need your help.' And it was something we'd been waiting on... something we all knew he needed. But you can't get help until you want it for yourself."

And hearing Brian say it reminded me of it actually happening. Reminded me of AJ coming to the four of us the day before and bawling his eyes out as he told us, for the first time, that he wanted help... that he couldn't do this to himself anymore. It was one of those moments when we all breathed a sigh of relief while at the same time thinking, 'what the hell are we gonna do?'

I heard my name and realized a little too late that John was asking me a question. It didn't matter anyway though because the moment I opened my mouth to ask him what he'd said, I felt the tears coming on strong an knew I wouldn't be able to answer. "I'm sorry..." I cried, shaking my hed and trying my best to collect my thoughts enough to gain my composure. "I'm just a little sad..." I continued, trying to explain why I was crying, though I'm sure no words were really necessary. John apologized, which wasn't necessar... because it certainly wasn't his fault. I'm sure he was just as uncomfortable conducting the interview as we were answering the questions.

Unable to ever really collect myself, I was happy when Howie finally stepped in...

"We've talked about it... I mean obviously you know, we're betting on AJ to come back, and we want him to..." he said in response to what I now knew was a question about whether or not AJ would return to the group... "cause we don't feel like the Backstreet Boys are the Backstreet Boys without AJ."

And listening to his response I could only hope that Howie was right... that we were all right and that AJ would come back, because we really weren't the Backstreet Boys without him. It didn't feel right sitting on that couch, four instead of five... four filled with heartache.

It wasn't until Howie spoke again a few minutes later, telling John, "His life... his health, is more important to us than this..." that I finally felt compelled to say what I knew in my heart needed to be said. And so without even thinking, I interupted Howie...

"That's the one thing..." I said, my eyes once again filling with tears, my voice choking up as I fought to get the words out... "cause... you know... it's him. It's not about the group itself, it's about... I mean... it's about his life, and who he is... and that's the most important thing."

And it was. And that was the whole reason we were even there. Because if none of us cared about AJ and if none of us believed that AJ, as a human being and not just as a member of the band, was important... then none of us would have been there, supporting him, and showing our love and concern.

And thankfully John ended the interview at that, because that's exactly when I fell apart. Like it finally all hit me... like really, really hit me. That this was one of my very best friends and that his life had seriously been in jeapordy. His LIFE... not his career... not our career... his life. And he could have died at any given moment in the months leading up to those awful moments in that hotel room when Kevin acted like the biggest asshole... and saved his life.

As we stood, waiting to leave the room and go out to the TRL stage, I reached over and hugged Kevin. He looked at me, somewhat shocked, but hugged me back. Tears flooded my eyes and poured down my cheeks at an ever growing pace.

"We're gonna make it through this buddy," Kevin whispered as he hugged me tighter before finally letting me go. "AJ's gonna make it through this... you'll see."

And I nodded my head, trying my best to control the tears. I sighed deeply and tried my best to smile, nodding my head to agree... even though I still had trouble believing his words.

Even though that's the moment I remember the most when I try my best not to think back to that horrible, depressing time in my life... there were so many other horrible moments that day, and in the days that lead up to it and that followed.

There were the moments when Kevin approached AJ in the hotel... even though thankfully I wasn't there for most of it, I did get there just in time to hear the words, "You're dead to me." And those were enough to break my heart... for both AJ and for Kevin.

And then there was saying good bye to AJ when he left to go to rehab. It was short and sweet... and only Brian and I got to say good bye. He really wasn't up for it, but we really didn't want to leave things left unsaid, so w hugged him and told him we loved him and that over anything else we wanted him to get better. I mean... how else do you say good bye to someone when you're completely unsure you'll ever see them again? Or when you're not really sure they'll come back the same person you've alwasy known.

And then there was going on TRL that afternoon, after the interview. It was clear when we first went out that the fans had no clue why we were there. They sceamed and shouted and hooped and hollered and I'm sure expected something awesome. Instead they got only four of us... all red-eyed and sorrow filled. And the announcement they got was anything but awesome.

I've seen the youtube footage... where Kevin announces it, crying; AJ is gonna receive treatment for depression, anxiety, and his excessive consumption of alcohol." And then they pan out to the studio audience and you catch a glimpse of the looks on the girls faces... looks of sadness and horror as they wipe their eyes and cry right along with him. And then John asks me about my hand... and the lie. Like it would have been so bad to just say, "Nick got really upset because his best friend's going to rehab and so he punched a hole in the wall"?

And then there's the one girl in the audience who says, "I can't believe he felt so depressed when he has all these fans who love him so much..." and all I could think every time I saw that video, was what does that girl know? It doesn't matter how many fans you've got, or how successful you are when you're depressed. Because depression can make you feel like the worst person in the world, even if you're the best. And being loved by everyone in the world wouldn't even be enough.

If 1999 was the good year... the year of the day of great joy, and many more filled with joy... then 2001 was as equally horrible. The year filled with sorrow. There was everything with AJ and having to cancel that leg our our tour. And then September 11th happened and Leighanne could have died and Daniel Lee, our crew member did die... and after that, it was hard to feel good about anything for a while.

But through it all, my faith became stronger, as well as my resolve. Even if not right away. And it wasn't because of the events themselves, because they truly weren't anything but devastating... one of those times in my life when I seriously found myself questioning the God I'd always believed in. Because how could a God who's supposed to be all-loving really let anyone go through all of that... let all of those people go through all of that?

No... it wasn't the events that strengthened my faith in something greater than myself, but rather the way that we all responded to them. We could have easily given up the band the moment AJ left for treatment, letting go of all the hopes and dreams we'd had for our futures. Or we could have kicked him out and gone on without him, giving no consideration to his future. But instead we held tight to each other and waited it out, certain that in the end we'd all be better because of it. And we were.

And I think September 11th proved that. Because at a time when once again we could have fallen apart... because we all suffered a loss in Daniel, and Brian came close to losing his wife and AJ could have easily turned back to the bottle or to drugs for comfort... instead this time we clung to one another tightly and remained united... just the way our nation did.

And we became better people because of it.