Now the second moment of great joy in my life is a little harder to describe than the first.... because well... just read and maybe you'll understand.

I'll start by saying that there were a lot of little great moments after all of the sorrow of 2001. I mean... being named "Sexiest Man in the World" by Cosmo Magazine for one... that was pretty damn fantastic. It did after all, make me feel good about myself fo once, during a period of my life when I had struggled with really horrible self esteem. Not that I've ever not struggled with horrible self esteem... but then especially. And then there was the birth of Brian's son, Baylee. The very first "Backstreet Baby". I was in the waiting room for that one... and damn... I'll never forget seeing that kid for the very first time and the feeling that I got... just a feeling of awe at how amazing a new life could really be. Too cool!

And then there was our hiatus. Not that it was an awesome thing in and of itself, because there's no doubt I missed my music career and our success the whole time I was away from it. And there's no doubt that I missed touring and the guys when we weren't hanging out with one another on a daily basis. But I think it's true what they say - that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And I also think that being away from all of that made me discover a lot about myself that I hadn't been able to discover during all those years of nonstop BSB, and wouldn't have been able to discover otherwise. And more importantly... most importantly... it also taught me a lot about what I didn't like about myself and about my life. And it made me realize the person I wanted to be, and the person I didn't want to be. It made me realize the type of people I wanted to surround myself with -- the guys... our families -- and the kind of people -- *cough* Paris *cough* -- that I didn't.

And that's a good thing, and least it has turned out to be in the long run.

And then of course, we had our fairly successful 'comeback' with Never Gone. Getting back into the groove of things was fun and touring again was fun... but I don't think any of those moments would really qualify as a moment of "great joy"... except maybe the whole "Sexiest Man" thing... like I said, that was pretty freaking fantastic!

But no... the second moment of great joy, believe it or not... and you probably really won't believe it, especially if you know anything about the show... came along with House of Carters.

I know right? You're probably thinking, 'that whole debacle Nick? Really?"

Yes really.

But don't think I'm too naive. I'm well aware of the face that I made an ass of myself in more ways than one during the filming of that show. A huge ass sometimes even. But the joy didn't come in the way a normal person might think it would (of course, I'm not normal). It came in kind of a roundabout way... in realization and conclusion. In knowledge of bigger, better things.

The greatest moment.... that moment of great joy... came not from the fun moments I spent bonding with my siblings -- though there were plenty of those, and they were definitely joyous. Nor did it come from all the fighting... hilarious in retrospect, even if not at the time. Nope... the moment came on the very last day of filming when all of the bags had been packed and loaded into the cars. It came after I'd bid each of my four siblings fond and tearfilled farewells laced with promises of 'see you soon's' and dozens of 'I love you's'.

And I remember it well...

Alright AC," I piped up after finally loading what had to be the 50th and final piece of Aaron's luggage into his car, shutting the door with a careful bang, "I think that's the last of your crap."

He smiled and laughed as I pulled him into a tight hug and gave him a rather harsh nuggie before we turned to stand together, staring for a few moments at the house that stood behind us. The house where we'd spent the past four weeks of our lives filming our family's reality tv show. The house in which the two of us had done everything from laughing til we cried to fighting til our sisters nearly called the cops on us... and having it all caught on film. Public record... private record. Moments we'd never forget. For better and for worse... our best moments and our worst, because that's what reality is... a lot of times it's for worse.

"I really am gonna miss this place," Aaron said, trying to hide the fact that he was getting a little teary eyed. It had, after all, been the second time we'd done this in a matter of hours -- the first time for filming... this time for real. And the first was emotional enough. We knew that morning that as soon as the camera crews had filmed the departures they would hurry to leave and within a matter of minutes the excitement would end and Aaron and I would have more time to actually pack up his things and get him moved out. And by his 'things'... I mean... he had a lot.

This time, the real time was the sentimental good bye, and neither of us, it turns out is very good and sentimental good byes. Instead of just saying what we want to say... what should be easy to say... we just stand there and look at each other, hoping someone will break the silence, just not saying anything at all. Life is like that for me a lot... not just with Aaron and not just with good byes. When knowing what to say doesn't come easily or naturally, I just prefer to keep my mouth shut. And that usually works out in most situations... because I have back-ups in Brian and Aj and Howie... Kevin before, always. Because they all seem blessed with the ability to talk, all of the time. But in situations like these, when someone needed to bridge the gap between two individuals at a loss for words. It sucked.

Aaron finally took the plunge though, and for that I was grateful. He smiled after those few awkward minutes passed and gave me one last quick hug before climbing into the driver's seat of his car.

"I guess this is good bye then..." He whispered as he turned the key in the ignition and cranked up the air... "I really loved doing this Nick... thanks for everything."

"Not good bye doof," I smiled back, resting my arms as I leaned on the side of his car, "I'll see you soon. And thank you for doing the show... I really had a good time, even if it wasn't exactly what we'd all envisioned." And of course by that I meant... even if it wasn't a big old bed of sibling roses. Which I should have known all along it wouldn't be.

"Naw," he said with a grin, "but at least nobody got killed."

I had to laugh... because the fact that no one died was certainly a bonus. I reached in and punched him lightly in the arm, "except for maybe you almost."

He laughed back and shook his head, "you couldn't hurt me if you tried."

We laughed together before he Aaron caught sight of the time on his dashboard clock and reached up quickly to buckle his seatbelt. "Well man, I'd better go... I've gotta be at the airport like, yesterday..."

I shook my own head, "Be careful getting there and call me when you get to Florida. We'll make plans to hang out in a few months when we're on tour."

"Will do bro. Good luck with recording... you'll have to let me know how it goes... and tell the guys I'll see 'em later."

I nodded, "Will do Air."

And with that he backed his car out of the drive, hollering "Bye bro", as he approached the end and right before he turned his music on so loud that he wouldn't have been able to hear anything I said back. He reached his arm out the window and waved one last time.

I waved back... and he was gone.

I'd stood there that day, watching as Aaron drove off down the hillside and for several minutes after. Just stood... silently, peacefully... still staring at the house. And in those few simple moments, like a whisper in the wind that comes and goes quickly and is easy to miss if you're not paying attention, the realization hit me.

The joy hit me.

And it wasn't because of all the fun times we'd had... or the fights... or the money the show had earned us, or any of that really. It was because, for the first time ever, I realized that I'd watched each of my four siblings drive out of my home that day... and that during those departures, Aaron's especially (because that's when I would have been most tempted), I had stopped myself, or rather, for the first time had not even had to try to stop myself, from offering all sorts of advice. Advice that they really didn't want, and often times really didn't need to hear from me. Career advice or financial advice, advice on how to deal with agents or record companies. Advice on how to be healthier (because God knows I've always been the picture of health), or relationship advice (ha!) or just advice on life in general... because again, you know my life has always been so awesome... I'm just the king of people who should be handing out life advice.

Yeah, I believe they call that 'ass'vice.

And the reason I hadn't felt the need to do any of that... because at some point during the 4 weeks of filming HOC, and spending countless hours stuck in a house with Leslie, BJ, Aaron and Angel... at some point during that time I had realized, without even knowing it, that I didn't have to be everything to everyone all the time.

And that was the day that it all really hit. As Aaron drove away and I was left alone again... alone without my siblings being around me 24/7, pretty much the same way I'd spent the past 13 years of my life, but with a different view about it... that I didn't have to be a father figure and a financial suppor or a career consultant and a life coach... or any of those for that matter.

It hit me, for the first time, maybe really ever, that all I really had to be was a big brother. And I don't know how I missed it. Except... that HOC is what made me find that realization.

That all I had to be to them was a big brother. The kind that invites his siblings to spend a few weeks in his LA home... without cameras would have been preferable... but oh well... just so we could hang out. The kind that laughs at when his brother puts his pants on and someone's panties fall out the leg... or makes fun of him when he's so drunk he's barfing out the car door onto the side of the road. The kind of big brother who will scream at his little brother because it's the middle of the damn night and his music's too loud and he took pictures in his car with MY ex girlfriend... and the kind of brother that will beat a boy up over that crap... (he deserved it!), but at the same the kind of brother who will carry his little bro piggy back into the hospital when he did something really stupid and injured himself really badly... and I didn't even make fun of him when I should have. And I really was worried.

And I realized I could be the kind of brother to encourage the hell out of his sister's desire to learn how to cook... and try everything she serves, even if I didn't like some of it. Or the type to sit with his other sister on a bad night when she's crying for hours, just to reassure her that she really is an awesome person. Or the kind who will be super protective when it comes to his baby sister and her boyfriends. But also the kind who's not about to clean up his sister's dog's shit... and sometimes knows that girls need to learn things the hard way.

Yeah... I realized all of that.

But mostly, the most joyful thing... and the thing that made this a moment of great joy... is realizing that I could just let them go.

I realized for the first time that the words Kevin had said to me all those years before... had been a true warning. Which is something I should have guessed... Kevin's never wrong. He told me once, years ago, that you can't be a father to "four grown assed individuals who already have father's of their own." And of course, at the time, he was talking about us (the other guys in BSB... and me)... but it works here too. My siblings already had a father... all I needed to be was a brother.

It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders... letting go of all the added anxieties I'd always felt about their lives. They were all grown ups... bound to go off and make mistakes of their own... without me.

And for the first time in my life... I was filled with joy to see them go.