Every morning that Nick woke up in 2005 it made him wonder whether he’d imagined the last fifteen years. But of course he hadn’t. How could he have imagined such a huge chunk of his life? How could he have lived through those fifteen years and experienced the kind of things he‘d experienced and it not be real? He realised that of course he hadn’t imagined it. It wasn’t possible. It didn’t explain how he’d got here though, that was still a complete mystery.

He got through the next few days in Germany in a blur; he wasn’t as focussed on stage as he should’ve been, so as a consequence made mistakes. He wanted to turn things around so much, but just couldn’t. He wasn’t strong enough to say no to the endless partying that seemed to go hand in hand with touring. He always felt the guilt and regret the morning after, but it didn’t deter him. He knew that what he really needed, was to be away from these temptations if he were ever going to be free of his addictions. He’d come to realise that in fact, he did have a problem, one that was beginning to get out of hand and would have to be addressed when he got home. On tour was not the place to start the detox process.

He thought about the future, he didn’t want to end up like that again; he didn’t want to be that forty year old loser all over again. So why was he going down the exact same path? If he carried on as he was doing, he’d be in exactly the same position. He knew he didn’t want that. He knew he wanted a better life. He just wished that he wasn’t so weak. He wished he had the strength to say no when those all around him in the clubs were snorting cocaine and popping pills like they were m&m‘s. He’d said no before, so why couldn’t he do it all the time? Maybe it was because there was no one there to tell him no when he needed it.

~*~

The last night of the tour came around and as usual, they had a great time on stage, messing around and making it a real fun event for the fans, just like they always did on the last night. But it hid the real story. Off stage it was a different matter, Kevin and Nick were barely speaking, and when they had to talk to one another, it was strained. Kevin tried to control his anger towards Nick, but sometimes it was hard, often ending up with them almost coming to blows with one another and having to be broken up by the others. No one wanted to see Nick carrying on like that; destroying himself with drugs and excess alcohol, but nothing Kevin or the others said or did seemed to make any difference.

Kevin was certain though, he couldn’t handle being in the band anymore, not when it was all falling apart around him and he was powerless to stop it. AJ’s drug and alcohol addictions had been tough to get through. Kevin couldn’t bear to see his youngest brother go the same way.

The last night of the tour also meant party time, this tour being no different to the others. The club was packed, the music loud and the drinks flowing. Nick fought the temptation to track down some cocaine, even though he craved it.

“Look Kev, I know I’ve been a total prick. I promised to make an effort and I haven’t, but you have no idea how hard it is” Nick said as he sipped on a beer, trying to resist the urge to go to the bar and order himself a double Jack Daniels.

“You seem to forget we went through the same thing with AJ just a few years ago, of course I have an idea. I know it was hell for AJ, I know he battles every day to stay clean, and I know that if you really want to, then you can do it too” Kevin explained, placing his hand on Nick’s shoulder to show his support.

“If only it were that easy” Nick muttered

“Nothing is ever easy Nick, you should know that by now” Kevin told him

Nick just shrugged.

“Look let’s talk about this when we get home, if you still want help then, I’ll be there for you” Kevin said “let’s just enjoy the party as if everything is OK, I don’t want to fight with you all the time Nick. I know you think I‘ve got it all together, but the truth is, I haven‘t. I haven‘t got all the answers.”

“I know, and I’m sorry for all the shit I‘ve put you and everyone else through” Nick said “I do want help, I want it so much. I don’t want to wake up every morning feeling like crap and not knowing where the hell I am. As soon as we get home I’m going to do something about it”

“OK Nick” Kevin sighed, not knowing whether to believe his friend or not.

They partied the night away with the fans, not another word was said about Nick’s problems, and instead they enjoyed each other’s company. Nick stayed clear of drugs by some miracle, but not drinks, although he didn’t get completely intoxicated.

The following morning was time to pack up and leave, the tour was officially over and it was time to go home. The plan was to take some much needed time off, spend time with family and friends, and then get back into the studio when everyone was ready to begin work on the next album. Or that had been the original plan, now nothing seemed certain anymore, it all depended on Nick. What mattered most, the drugs and booze or the band?

“Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you guys in a few weeks then” Nick said as they prepared to go their separate ways at the airport.

“Remember what I said, if you need me, just call and I’ll be there” Kevin said and pulled Nick into a hug.

“I know and thanks bro” Nick said “I know what I have to do and I’m ready to do it, believe me”