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Chapter Ninety-Seven
Point of View: Kayla



I hadn't really talked to Zoe since we'd had the fight over the birth control and diet pills. We'd carefully avoided discussing the stuff I'd bought - and the implications of what they meant - and kept ourselves at merely a civil level. It was a carefully constructed charade not letting Nick know we were at odds. But the moment his house door had closed behind us we'd instantly frozen over on the edges and returned to not speaking to each other.

Looking at Zoe now, laying in the hospital bed, asleep, her lungs being forced to breathe, I regretted every moment of that silence.

All I could imagine was my mom when she was laying in the funeral home at the wake. Zoe was laying so still, and they were so identical, that I almost lost my thoughts... almost believed Zoe was my mom, dead and gone.

I'd been sitting beside her for a couple hours when a nurse came in, toting a blood pressure cuff and thermometer. She smiled sadly at me, "How are you doing?" she asked in a gentle tone.

"I'm okay," I answered. My stomach growled even as I said it, and I frowned.

"The cafeteria opens at 6," she said.

I looked at the clock, it was 5:40.

"Thanks," I answered, "Maybe later, though." Eating would create fat. Fat would make me have to take more pills, which would make Zoe madder, which would create a whole vicious cycle... I thought.

"Sitting there, starving yourself isn't going to help her wake up," said the nurse.

"I'm not starving myself," I said defensively. I knew it was a phrase, but somehow, given the thought process I'd just meandered, I took it as a statement.

The nurse shrugged, "I'm just saying. If it was me in the bed, and my daughter was sitting next to me, I'd want her to go eat if she was hungry."

I looked at Zoe as the nurse fit the blood pressure cuff over her arm. Her face was a gentle, far away smile. What're you dreamin' aunt Zoe? I wondered, reaching and pushing a stray wisp of hair from her forehead.

My stomach growled again.

The nurse looked at me pointedly. "Okay," I said. "I'll go."

I stood up and grabbed my purse off the table and walked out the door and down the hall, feeling the nurse smiling to herself as I left. I wandered through the corridors, pretending I knew where the cafeteria was located, though I really had no freaking idea.

I hit the button for an elevator. The door slid opened and there stood AJ.

"Hey," he said awkwardly, surprised.

"...Hi?" I said, confused.

AJ was holding two breakfast trays. He cleared his throat. "I uh.. I thought you - that you might be... hungry." He shoved a tray into my hands.

He'd gotten me a no-holds-barred breakfast. Pancakes, fruit, toast, sausage, bacon, ham, yogurt, cottage cheese, orange juice, coffee, tea and hot water, a lemon wedge, a donut, and a little box of cereal next to a little carton of milk. "Jesus," I muttered, "What do you think I am? A heavy weight?"

AJ turned red. "No I just wanted to make sure there was food there you like," he answered.

"Thanks," I said.

I stood there holding the tray awkwardly, and the elevator door started to close on him. He snapped his hand forward to stop it and I backed up so he could get off the elevator. The door closed behind him and we were standing in the lobby, each staring at our breakfasts.

I wanted to be eating breakfast with a Backstreet Boy, just not this one.

"I found a little room with a table last night," AJ suggested.

"How long have you been here?" I asked.

"I left Nick's about 5 minutes behind the ambulance," he answered. "I slept in the waiting room. I figured you might need someone to talk to."

I shifted uncomfortably.

"I saw Nick's place on the news," AJ said quietly. "It's completely gone. There's nothing left."

My stomach turned. The smell of sausage was suddenly nauseating.

"Do you wanna see the room I found?" he asked.

I nodded before he said more about the situation from the night before.

AJ led the way down the hall the way I'd come, but took a left down a different path about halfway along. He stopped and peeked into a door marked Family Room and opened the door.

Inside, it was empty, but it was nice. There were kids toys all over the floor in one corner, and stacks of magazines next to the seats. A small table with a little lamp sat along the wall on the side. AJ sat down on one of the chairs at the table and dropped his tray. I followed him.

"I played one man Boggle all night," he commended, pushing the game away.

"Boggle's great," I mumbled.

"You're the first person I've ever mentioned one man Boggle to that hasn't asked me what the hell that is," he said, snorting.

I rolled my eyes, "Who the hell asked you what it is? I play it alone all the time..."

AJ laughed, "Really? That's funny. I love it solitaire."

"It's way better that way."

"Ya'know what else I like doing is rearranging the blocks and making them spell things, you know? Like in reverse. I like trying to make it say something in every direction."

"Is that possible?" I asked.

AJ shrugged. "I don't know, I've never done it, but its fun trying." I stared at the Boggle box. I wondered if Nick did stuff like this, too. I looked at the clock. It was 6:30. AJ followed my gaze to the clock over the door. He looked back at me. "I wonder how Nick took the night," he whispered.

Helplessness swelled up inside me. I wanted to cry, imagining Nick alone in a jail cell. The swirling mass of images - of my mom at the wake, Zoe in the hospital bed, Nick in the jail, the house burning down... all of it - made my throat constrict.

"Kayla, I'm sorry," AJ muttered, "I shouldn't have brought it up."

"I wish Nick was here right now," I sobbed.

"I know.. I'm sorry.."

"I need a hug from him so badly," I cried.

AJ hesitated. "I'm not Nick, and I'm sure my hugs suck compared to his, but..." he held out his arms. I pulled my chair closer to him and leaned into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me.

He was right, he wasn't Nick. Nobody was Nick.

But AJ was a close second.