Point of View: Eric
Nick was the most beautiful man I'd ever laid my eyes on. It killed me to look at him, to be close to him, and not be able to touch him, to kiss him. I stared at his mouth as he spoke and wanted to take him in my arms and tell him how much I abso-fucking-lutely adored him.
I had to look away from his mouth. Watching his mouth as he spoke was how the kiss in the yard had taken place. I'd lost control, wanting to taste that mouth so much I just did it. I knew it had freaked him out... I knew he wasn't gay, he had a girlfriend, some girl named Kayla, that he spoke about constantly.
I couldn't help but be desperately jealous of this Kayla.
We were in the cafeteria for breakfast, and he was talking about defending myself, but I wasn't listening. I couldn't. I couldn't concentrate around him. It was like the world turned to the consistency of caramel and I couldn't concentrate. The only thing I could think of with caramel was smearing it on him and licking it off.
Why the hell does he have to be straight?
"You can't let those guys bother you," he was saying. "They're bags of hot air. And Eric, they act a lot tougher than they really are. All bullies do. Usually when you stand up to a bully, they back down because they're actually afraid of you."
"I doubt anyone is afraid of me," I said. I was lanky and skinny and suffered from acne. I wasn't pretty and huge and well built like Nick. I didn't have biceps. I had spaghetti arms. Nick's arms were... Stop it, Eric.
Nick shook his head, "No it's the whole psyche of a bully. Whether they realize it or not, the moment they start making fun of someone it's because they're intimidated by them. They're either jealous or afraid or something."
I scoffed. "Yeah. Okay. There's nothing for them to be jealous or afraid of, Nick."
"Maybe they're homophobic," he suggested.
"Like they're scared of me because I'm gay?" I laughed.
Nick shrugged, "There are people like that."
I snorted.
"No really!" Nick said, his voice rising in defense, but not angrily, just in octave. He was adorable when he did that. He nodded his head and his eyes got wide and his eyebrows pushed the skin of his forehead up, creating wrinkles in the skin.
I sighed. "I don't think that's the problem."
"Why?"
How could I tell him the things they'd done to me? About the horrors that the cops turned their eyes from? Getting beat up was the least of my worries. "Desperate times, desperate measures, right Eric?" they'd laughed as they pinned me down and used me. "Don't see what you're complaining about, you like it this way, don't you?"
I shook my head. "I just don't."
Nick frowned. "Eric, next time they bully you around, just bully back. Tell them to fuck off."
"I'm not tough like you," I answered.
Nick leaned close. "I'm not really tough, either, Eric."
My mouth went dry with him leaning forward like that. I wanted to kiss his mouth again. I wanted to actually kiss his mouth and not his cheek. I'd missed last time. I wanted to get my tongue in there and taste him. I bit my lips and sucked in my breath. He smelled so good even unshowered and unshaven. His face was dark around the chin and jaw with five o'clock shadow.
"Tougher than me."
"I'm scared shitless here," he whispered. "You know what happened in the last jail I was at. I was there less than 24-hours and I got shot. I'm petrified of jail."
"You don't act it," I said.
Nick nodded. "Exactly. You can be scared of something and not act scared. When you act scared, that's when you're a target. It's like going to a city. If you look like you got no idea what you're doing, everyone's gonna assume you don't and you're gonna end up mugged or something. If you act like you know what you're doing, like you belong, like you're tough, then you'll blend right in and you'll be fine."
I nodded.
The two guys were looking my direction from the corner of the room, I could see them glaring at me over Nick's shoulder. They were laughing to each other, their eyes sinister. I looked at Nick. "It's really hard to not act scared, though," I said.
"I know," Nick answered.
They caught me looking at them, and one of the guys made an obscene gesture with his mouth and hands, simulating a blowjob, and pointed at Nick. I shifted uncomfortably.
Nick caught my shift. "What?" he asked. He followed my gaze over his shoulder. The guy had turned around before Nick's eyes traveled that way, and he turned back to me. "They're just assholes," he said. "Don't let them bother you."
But I couldn't help it anymore than I could help loving Nick.
