Point of View: Brian
"He's too skinny," Zoe worried for about the hundredth time since we'd left the prison. "What are they feeding him. Bread crusts and water?" she looked genuinely concerned.
It was true, Nick's appearance had done a complete 360 turn since I'd seen him last. He had thickly growing facial hair and the hair on his head was almost as long as it was in 1997 or '98, when he had the Dutch Boy cut. He'd also lost a massive amount of weight - even compared to the weight he'd lost on his own before. He looked fragile or something, especially combined with his sheer height.
Kayla was silent in the backseat as I drove. She was curled up, laying down across the seat, staring at the back of Zoe's chair. I wondered what she was thinking about, she looked so sad. I glanced at Zoe. Zoe read my mind, it seemed, and looked back at Kayla and frowned. "Honey?"
"Leon should've killed me," she said flatly.
Zoe and I looked at each other. I pulled off to the side of the road, emergency flashers going, and we both shifted to look back at her. I felt sort of like we were federal agents the way we moved in unison and lowered sunglasses to face the problem at hand.
"What on earth are you saying?" Zoe asked.
Kayla's eyes didn't shift off the chair. "The night he tried to rape me, he should've killed me."
"Why?" Zoe demanded.
"Because then I wouldn't have been able to hurt him."
I felt stupid. "Hurt Leon?"
"No. Nick."
Zoe's hand extended back, but she couldn't quite reach Kayla to pat her arm and she dropped her hand back down. "He was so happy to see you," Zoe said.
"He doesn't know," Kayla said.
"Doesn't know what?" I asked.
Zoe turned to me, her eyes sad, opening her mouth to answer, when Kayla said, point blank, "That I screwed another guy."
"Oh yes, that's right. I'd meant to ask AJ about that." I realized after I'd already said the words that I'd said them out loud. Those were really words one should think, not speak, but it was too late now.
Kayla shook her head, "AJ didn't do it. I- I went to a club. I don't know who he was." My mind reeled. It wasn't AJ? Well. Kayla's eyes moved to me. "I'm afraid."
"Of?"
"Nick's response," she answered. "You know him better than anyone else in the world..."
I swallowed. I didn't want to talk about Nick's response. It wasn't going to be good. Nick had a ripe temper when he was jealous or upset or whatever. I tried not to imagine the adverse reaction he was going to have to Kayla sleeping with another person. Then again, he had changed a lot. I prayed the temper was something that changed.
"Brian?" Kayla asked, frowning up at me. Then her face paled. "Oh God, he's going to hate me isn't he?"
"Hate you? No, of course not."
Kayla stared at me. "I don't blame him if he does," she finally said quietly. I could tell she didn’t believe me when I’d said that he wouldn’t hate her. Honestly, I didn’t fully believe myself, either. I wanted to believe Nick wouldn’t hate her in one way, that he’d grown beyond hating someone as deeply as he used to be capable of, but in another way I kind of hope he had enough respect for himself that he would hate her. I was caught in a Catch-22. I liked Kayla, I liked Nick with Kayla. However, I didn’t like what Kayla had done. I was torn between wanting him to forgive and wanting him to stand up for himself, to realize he didn’t have to take treatment like that. Kayla interrupted my thoughts by continuing, "I hate myself." The weight to her voice was final, heavy and sincere. I thought of how many times I'd heard Nick say those same words.
I hoped he would forgive her.
Zoe had turned forward so Kayla couldn't see her, and tears were streaming down her face silently.
"You shouldn't hate yourself," I said to Kayla, remembering Nick's own struggle with self-hatred that I dealt with for years and years as his brother and band-mate, I put myself easily into the place of defending her against herself, as I always had with Nick. "You made a mistake." A freaking huge mistake, I added inwardly.
Kayla shook her head, “It’s more than a mistake,” she said, “I violated something precious.”
I frowned.
“I love him,” Kayla said. “And I ruined that relationship… I’m such a slut.”
I sighed. “Kayla… what Leon did to you isn’t your fault.”
She blinked in surprise. “What?”
“Leon’s a dick and what he did to you wasn’t your fault. You’re blaming yourself.” I turned forward so I wasn’t looking at her. I felt even Zoe’s eyes boring into me. “Reacting like this to… to rape… is different than cheating. But it doesn’t have to be like that, you don’t have to do this to yourself. You don’t have to… lower yourself.” I rubbed the steering wheel. “It isn’t your fault… You just have to realize that.”
My knuckles were white as I wrapped my hand around the grip.
Zoe reached over and rubbed my arm. My muscles were tense. She frowned. I kept my eyes focused on the speedometer.
Kayla was silent in the backseat.
“Are we all set to keep driving?” I asked.
“I think so,” Zoe replied.
“Okay.” I started the car back up and turned off my emergency flashers to merge into traffic, wondering if I’d said too much.
