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Chapter One Hundred-Seventy-Seven
Point of View: Nick



I was pacing. My heart was slamming in my chest. I could hardly breathe. I was wringing my hands. I felt like a bull at a rodeo, being contained in a holding cell. Dirk Bentley was seated in a little plastic chair at a table. He'd patiently closed his eyes and he coached me on what was going to happen during the trial as I put on the suit Zoe had picked out for me. Now, we were waiting.

Dirk looked at his watch.

Suddenly the door clicked and we both looked at it. "Here we go," mumbled Dirk, standing up. "I'll see you out there. Remember everything we talked about."

My stomach turned.

A cop stepped into the room. "Nickolas Carter?" he asked, looking at a sheet on a clipboard. I nodded. He tucked the clipboard into the back of his belt, and motioned for me to come over as he pulled more handcuffs from his holster. "Let's go." He connected my hands in front of me this time, instead of behind me, and led me a little more gently than the others had down the hall in the opposite direction than Dirk was going.

I followed along a dreary-looking corridor that had no real describable markings. The absence of character in the hall was its only character. It was plain cement walls, pock marked from age, with dimming lights that glowed almost a yellowy color. We reached a door and the officer paused.

He looked at me awkwardly a moment.

"I'm sorry," he said finally, "I know this is really unprofessional, but.. uh..." He reached into his breast pocket of his shirt, and pulled out a copy of the Millennium album liner and a pen. "My daughter's a huge fan and..." His face turned red. I signed the liner as best I could with the handcuffs on.

Then the moment of truth had come.

The officer reached forward, his hand landed on the door handle, paused almost hesitantly, then lowered it, unlatching the door. "Good luck," he whispered as he pulled the door open.

Immediately, chaos ensued. Lightbulbs flashed and rush of sound filled the hall. We were stepping outside into a narrow corridor that led from the little holding block to the actual courthouse. People surrounded either side of the chain-link fenced-in area, pressing against it. Paparazzi, fans, all kinds of different faces. It was like a blurry sea of humanity. I tried to block it out, to push it away. I didn't want to see the fans - more, I didn't want them to see me. But they did.

A video camera buzzed to one side of me. Everyone in the world was looking at me. Literally, perhaps.

"It's okay," the officer coached me as I almost tripped over my own two feet, trying to regain composure from the shock of being exposed so blatantly to the world. He took my shoulder and guided me across the distance - the chasm between buildings - as quickly as was possible. We reached the other door in a flash, and it closed behind us, shutting out the chaos.

I felt breathless.

It reminded me, when I paused to think about it, of escaping from venues to the tour bus after a concert. Only those were happier times, and the people looking on were smiling, not crying, and I felt excited and energized, not as though I were a bull being led to the steakhouse...

The courtroom wasn't much better than the walkway.

The moment we walked in, all heads turned toward me as they led me up a center aisle to the little table in the front of the room, where Dirk was patiently waiting. He was the only one who hadn't turned to look. He was staring into a briefcase at a piece of paper that he held in shaking hands.

The walk to the desk reminded me of a wedding march, and I was the bride. I felt sick to my stomach. Then my eyes landed on Howie. Howie smiled sadly, and his eyes caught the light and twinkled. Beside him was AJ, who gave me the thumbs up sign. I forced a smile to them.

In front of the two fellas was Zoe and Kayla - oh Kayla looked so fucking beautiful... - both staring. Zoe had tears in her eyes and Kayla was biting her lips, staring avidly at me, like she longed to come running to hug me. She and Zoe were grasping each other's hands like there was no way to survive the trial without holding onto one another.

Then was Kevin. Kevin was standing resolutely, steadfast and tall, his jaw squared and eyes set stonily. Though he looked so serious and so courageous, a tiny hint of fear and worry flickered through those eyes of his. I tried to set my jaw, too, to show him I was learning from him - even now - and he smiled ever so slightly. Just enough that I knew he knew what I was trying to convey.

And there - there was Brian.

Brian stared at me and his eyes seemed to ooze with compassion. They were like a hug... I could feel them depositing warmth and comfort all around me. I wanted to run to him the way a child does to his father. I guess Brian was the closest to that I had. He was my brother, my deepest, truest friend.

They were all my friends... they all loved me as deeply as I loved them... and I realized suddenly that no matter whatever happened, I realized, I always had them.