Journal Entry #8
i dont wanna see them… they don’t wanna see me…what the hell is goin to be accomplished here????? so pointless. they hate me why cant you psycho guys just get that? i don’t really CARE if they hate me.
Journal Entry #9
i dunno what the worst part was. the trainwreck that the carter clan is or the fact that they couldnt even pretend to be civil just for the few hours that they were here? aaron wouldn't stop typing for 5 seconds to talk. it was so stupid all the fighting and the screaming. its so stupid. we cant even spend fifteen minutes together as a family without someone getting mad or accusing someone else of something. i knew this would happen though so its not a shock. i mean when a crocodile bites its not a big surprise is it? so why be surprised when the carters have a meltdown. it brings me back to my insistence that this entire thing is fucking pointless. nothing was resolved today. nothing will ever be resolved.
Journal Entry #10
so dr haseltine gave me an "assignment" for tonight. he said he wants me to write about the best memory i have with my dad. it took me awhile to come up with it. i thought about it all afternoon. i dont have very many of them because he wasnt around a lot when i was real little cos he was a trucker and then when i got older and we lived in florida my mom and him were fightin so we didnt see a lot of him. bj and i were latchkeys which was great. anyway so my memory with my dad. definitely 2002 when we did the boat racing team... it was his dream and i wanted to spend some time with him so i bought the boat and we did it. we did it all the way. i did everything i could to make it so he won, bought the biggest boat, the best engine, the champion copilot. i tried to be at every single race to see him go.. i only missed a couple on bsb work. he did great. it was amazing. and it made him so happy and when he won the world cup jesus i was so excited for him i ran into the damn water and we were jumping all over the place and yelling and i dunno. it was cool. plus for like the whole summer we had these neat matching jackets you know? cos we were a team......but it didnt matter cos we only did it the one year and after that he didnt wanna do it anymore and i ended up selling the boat and that was that. i dont understand how this is helping me stop drinking. i really actually want to drink right now. this is stupid.
Journal Entry #11
so of everything i said yesterday dr haseltine says he wants to know more about me being a latchkey kid. it wasnt a big deal a lot of kids are latchkey kids. i mean all us kids before i got into the band and we really got famous and stuff all went to public school and mom worked like everyday at the nursing home so wed get home and dad would be gone and mom would be at work and we'd have keys to the house and just have to let ourselves in and mom would leave like ritz crackers and cheese on the counter for us or juice boxes or whatever and we'd spend all day waiting for her to get home at like seven at night and my dad would get home at like ten. i was the oldest so i was asked to be the grown up. i mean it wasnt like it was a hardship to have the time to ourselves we got to play and stuff, and being the boss worked out to my advantage.
Journal Entry # 12
in 1996 we were touring in europe and i got this weird flu bug thing that knocked the shit out of me (literally and everything else too) and i got put in the hospital in germany and the guys had to keep going to the next city without me and our manager at the time - johnny - he called my mom and paid for a flight for her over. she was so pissed she had to come all the way over there because she had stuff she had to do. despite how mad she was that she had to come though she got there and she held my hand and put a cool cloth on my head. we talked a lot those like three days and she promised we'd have more time like that. we didn't but those days were nice.
Journal Entry #13
my family started hating me when i was gone all the time for the tours and stuff with the band. our family needed me to get gigs and win contest money. we were on welfare and my mom got fired from the nursing home and my money from singing was a lot of time the only income. my mom poured all her energy into costumes and driving me around and prepping me for the auditions. my dad was supposed to get a job but usually he just sat at the house and watched tv because he was depressed. but once i actually got the bsb job and i was working steady enough to actually give them some money - i mean i didnt get a ton from those beginning days cos lou was sucking it all out of us yanno? but what i did get i sent home - everyone got pissed cos i never had time off. birthdays and once even christmas was on the phone. bj and aaron got the maddest at me. bj wouldnt even talk to me for like the entire first year and aaron kept asking why i wasnt ever home. he decided he wanted to be a singer too so he could tour with me because he wanted to spend time with me again. angel and leslie took it in stride i guess, neither seemed bothered by my absences from home. i guess we were never as close and bj aaron and i. i dunno. maybe they just hid their anger better. they never stopped hating me for it though then as my mom and dad split up and aaron got caught in the middle of that even he got mad at me because i chose dads side and he chose moms and that split everything in the family down the middle like a crack in the crust of the earth. i chose dads side because mom really was being a bitch and dad really did need to get out of there. she was killin him. hed been depressed for years. i dunno. its really hard to explain the crazy emotional stuff that kinda went on. oh we're out of time. what the hell? i finally start writing shit and now you people want me to stop? jesus make up your minds.
Journal Entry #14
im supposed to write about my family again but i dont wanna write about my blood family i wanna write about my real family. im really confused about where the fellas are cos none of them have visited me. not even brian. i dont like that. i really miss them and it hurts that they dont care. i thought they cared.
