Journal Entry #22
finally someone heard me. dr haseltine and i covered a bunch of coping strategies today in our time and i feel like i maybe can do better this way. they were mostly easy kinda obvious ones like talkin to someone about it before i try to handle it alone - easier said than done but i'll do my best - and helping someone else with their problems too. also like making lists he said. like listing good stuff thats goin on. and exercise. i think ill take up joggin in the evenings maybe. and hey until i get my license back i can jog all the hell over the place.
Journal Entry #23
dr haseltine feels like writing is gonna be real important and has asked me to keep up my journal for the weekly sessions i gotta have with him after i leave here. im just glad i get to leave here. and in time to tape with the guys too. blast through a month of prep and get my license back in time to be able to drive to the studio and stuff.. i feel freer already. and the coping mechanisms are going to be great. today we talked about this thing where you like tighten your muscles for 8 seconds and inhale then relax and youll feel better. it was like progressive muscle relaxant or something. im excited to see how it works. it kinda sounds sexy actually. i might hafta share that one with the ladies... buahaha.
Journal Entry #23
tonight then 4 more fucking days and im out. god i cannot wait. i miss air and grass. first thing im doing is going to the god damn ocean and jumping in. i miss the ocean. thats another thing i can do he said is picture the ocean and really get into the idea. he called it meditation but that sounds like sissy crap and the way i picture the ocean aint for sissies. for one its usually heavily crowded with scantily clad ladies doing the muscle relaxant thingy... and .. oh .. oh my goodness.. im the only guy! haha. wow this is gonna get psyho analyzed interestingly im sure. so ima rename it. it aint meditation its nickatation.. yes. that makes it sounds almost kinda cool. "whatre you doin?" "im nicktating" "oohh very cool"
Journal Entry #24
brian called today and promised to pick me up in FOUR DAYS. im excited. so tonight i was told i gotta write about how i'm gonna make my house a safer place for me to be when im out. im not positive i know what he means by that. like im obviously gonna get rid of all the alcohol and... stuff... that i got there. we talked about motivating quotes and mantras (i remembered that word cos of manta rays) and putting them up places. now i dont want any of those stupid posters that're like "MOTIVATION" or "TEAMWORK" with the kittens or the boats but maybe ill pick up some post its and write down stuff that makes me feel good on it. like song lyrics. ill also start parking IN the garage instead of just in the driveway. i know that sounds funky but if i park IN the garage a lot of times i dont feel like doing the whole garage door thing cos it sounds like too much work so i'll skip going some place til i HAVE to. i dunno why i'm like that. it takes a grand total of like twelve extra seconds for the garage door to open and its not like its hard man labor to push the button on the clicker but still. lazy is as lazy do....
Journal Entry #25
1. im leaving here in 3 days.
2. i have 4 best friends who care about me.
3. we're gonna tape and make a great album.
4. popcorn. i have some.
5. that guy finally showered. 6. she already had broke up with me before i found out.
7. i dont need her to be happy.
8.
9.
10.
krystal was on tv tonight hanging all over her dancer guy denny or something like that. hes this little mexican freak thats tinier than howie. it freaked me out cos honestly ive been thinking when i got out id call her and everything would be better since she broke up with me because of the alcohol and drugs and the crazy way i was acting before but she didnt wait for me. i thought shed wait for me. and hes such a man whore seriously i mean who goes to award shows without a shirt on? seriously.
Journal Entry #26
dr haseltine and i talked about krystal today. he doesnt understand about her, he called her a negative force. she isnt negative. we fought about it and he said then to make him see why she is a positive by writing about her but see that the thing. shes a positive because she understands me without me writing about her. does that make any sense? i cant tell. but she does she gets it. when im upset shes always there. she picks up on it and she'll make it fun to get me out of that mood.
Journal Entry #27
i punched shower guy today and im supposed to write about what made me do that but its not a psychological thing it was just because hes starting to smell again and he changed the channel on the tv while i was watching something without asking and i told him i was watching it and he said oh well and i got kinda mad so im like who do you think you are changin the tv on people who are watchin the tv and hes like and who do you think you are like a god or something just because you used to be a backstreet boy and i'm like USED TO BE?? and hes like "yeah what the hell have you done in the last ten years" and i flipped the hell out cos we've done A LOT OF STUFF and nobody NOTICES and it just gets me so aggravated!! i hate not being seen or heard because im not invisible! im a person and i work hard and im worth something. im not invisible. so i popped him one. in my defense, he swung too. he was just a real pansy. and he smells again make him shower for crying out loud.
Journal Entry #28
IM FREE TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok that said, shower guy and i have been separated and dylan - who sounds like a guy but is actually a girl, no wonder she's on drugs right? - is next to me now. despite the fact that her name would make me feel like i was with a dude shes really hot and if i was stickin around here any longer id definitely tap that. anyways i was asked to write about why i think im so worked up over being invisible but the answer for you is that i dont know. i just dont like it when people don't listen or pay attention to me when i'm trying to do or say something. i mean its not just me i hate that for. i hate when people dont get heard or seen. any people. people are people and we all deserve to be seen. thats why the save the children type ads on tv break the hell out of my heart because all these kids they do show on tv and they like pick the cute ones that everyone wants to sponsor cos theyre all up like awww that kids smie..what about the ugly kids? the ones with the cleft lips and stuff. or the ones who are dying starving and stuff? dont they get to be on tv ads too? nobody wants to sponsor the old ones either. they always show the young ones. i purposely sponsored a 15 year old when i did that. plus i did it through this website where you can look through pictures of every kid they do a sponsorship program for. every single one of them gets seen. being seen is extremely important as human beings. we all need to be seen and heard by somebody... we just dont always realize it... or have somebody to see and hear us. but we all need somebody who does.
