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Chapter Fifty-Three
Point of View: Nick

I sat there in the Camaro, unsure what else to do, staring at the darkness ahead of me where Kayla had disappeared into. I reached up to the visor and pulled it down, looking into the little mirror on the back of it, into my own eyes. I studied the reddened rims of my eyes, and the spider-web veins that crisscrossed the whites around my pupils and irises. I ran my hands up through my hair, pulling it away from my face.

"Its gotta stop, Nick," I said to my own reflection, staring into my own eyes. "You can't do this... You can't."

If this kept up… if this kept happening… I was gonna end up dead. I’d lose Kayla, I’d lose everyone; eventually, even the fellas would give up on me, just like Kevin had. Even Brian would, after awhile, have had enough. I would end up alone and killing myself. Whether it was because of my health or a wreckless driving accident despite Zoe’s efforts, I’d end up in the ground eventually, too.

And for the first time I realized something: not only did I not want to lose all those people and my life, but I desperately did not want to disappoint Zoe. It was a strange thing to realize. I mean, she was so much older than me and the feelings I had about her were in no way sexual, but I’d developed strong emotions for Zoe that burned when I thought of letting her down… of dying in a collision, despite all her work to keep that from happening.

I didn’t want to let her down, but if I kept doing drugs, I would. I would let everyone down. Including, I also realized, myself.

I closed my eyes, trying to block out the the image of them, all red and swollen, and took a deep breath. I reached down and yanked the crank handle on the seat, and leaned it back until I was laying down, then I covered my head with my arms and I told myself I'd fall asleep right there.

I was there maybe ten minutes when a rap came on my window. I ignored it at first, but it persisted. Finally I blinked my eyes open and looked up to see Zoe's face peering in, her jaw set in a straight, fierce line.

Kayla told her. Clearly.

I sat up, pulling the lever so the seat would follow me up, and opened the door. Zoe moved so I could swing the long door wide, and waited while I swung out my legs and turned to face her. "What exactly do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

I looked down at my sneakers. "I dunno," I whispered.

Zoe rolled her eyes, "Well come on, you can't sleep out here."

"I can't?" I asked.

"No, you can't," she answered.

She turned and started walking away the way Kayla had done, so I grabbed the key and locked up quickly as I followed Zoe towards the corner, towards her house. She marched up the driveway to the front door, and led me upstairs – slowly but surely – to a small guest room. She pointed at the bed. “Sleep,” she commanded. I stepped inside and stood there awkwardly. I turned around to look at her, but she was right there behind me, her finger pointed up into my face. “Do not go anywere near Kayla’s bedroom.”

“I- I won’t,” I stammered.

She glared at me for a long pause, then softened, “Good. Now get some sleep, kiddo. The bathroom’s one door to the right.” She paused. “That’s this way.” She pointed.

I stuck out my tongue. “I know,” I whined.

Zoe smirked. “Just making sure.”

When she’d left the room, I turned to look around it. It was a very plain little guest room, decorated in blue tones, but not extremely formally. The bedspread was a cheap striped comforter that looked used and laundered many times and a rocker sat next to the bed with a 1970s-orange cushioned seat. Most of the furniture in there had a couldn’t-get-rid-of-it-but-didn’t-have-anywhere-to-put-it look to it.

I kicked my sneakers off at the foot of the bed and took off my jeans, which I laid over the arm of the rocker, and climbed into the bed, marveling at the soft, t-shirt like sheets and the pillows that actually had pillow cases on them. I pulled the blankets around my neck and closed my eyes.

It felt like a place that could be called a home.



I was almost asleep when I heard the door creak open and Zoe’s familiar gait on the floor. She leaned over and put a glass of water and a bottle of Advil on the nightstand beside me. I blinked up at her, “What’s that?”

“For the headache you’re gonna have,” she whispered. She started to turn away.

“Zoe?” I asked, she paused and looked back at me, “I’m sorry.”

She smiled sadly, “I wish I believed you.”

“I’m scared this time.”

Zoe turned around and came back, lowering herself on the bed beside me. She sighed and rested a hand on my shoulder. “Why? What’s different this time than last time?”

Tears were threatening my eyes, “There’s a lot to lose this time that I didn’t have last time. Before, if I lost everything it was things that either I could replace or that I didn’t really care about. The exception being the guys, but I didn’t really think they’d ever go. But now…” I looked up at her, “Now I could lose you and Kayla.”

“Yes, you could lose us,” she said, nodding, “I won’t lie. You very nearly did tonight.”

I blinked and felt the first of the tears escape my eyes. “Zoe, I know its stupid ‘cos you probably figure I just barely know you, but I tend to latch on really easily and quickly to people who care about me… like really care. And…”

“That’s because you never got to be a kid,” she said flatly.

“What?”

“You,” Zoe explained, “You’re a child in your heart. Children latch on to people, and they make mistakes, because they see the world differently. It’s not a bad thing.” She reached over and pushed the hair away from my forehead, letting her fingertips drag across my skin softly, and smiled down at me. My heart ached. “You’re a good kid, Nick, even though.”

“I don’t wanna make the same mistakes anymore,” I whispered.

“Then don’t,” Zoe said plainly.

“It’s easier to say than it is to do,” I replied, frowning, “I mean, how do I do it? How do I cope when I can’t take it? When things overwhelm me and I’m drowning in it all?”

“You just keep swimming,” she said.

“What if there’s an undertow?” I asked.

Zoe smiled sadly, “You have to fight the tide. And when you get too tired to keep fighting it, you’ve got to let someone know – so we can help you.” She sighed, “Nick, you have my cell phone number, even when I’m with a student I can at the very least answer and promise to call you back on my next break.” Her hand was still lingering by my forehead, she rubbed it with her thumb and I felt my eyelids growing heavy, comfortable. “You’re going to be okay, Nick,” she whispered, “You’re going to be okay.”

I’m not positive, but as I was falling asleep, with her thumb rubbing my forehead, I’m pretty sure she leaned over and kissed my cheek.