Journal Entry
I'm done.
i refuse to make anyone look at me like zoe did last night ever ever again. i refuse to be broken anymore. i refuse to let experiences of the past effect my future. i refuse to be influenced by things that dont really matter. i refuse to be a slave to something that shouldnt be controlling me: drugs.
yes i have been through a lot but that is no longer a valid excuse. i realized tonight that first of all there are some people who do care about me, people who have filled empty places inside of me that i didnt even know existed.
zoe was right about me being a kid inside and about not getting to be a kid when i was a kid. i pulled up a video on my cellphone on youtube mobile, of me when i was a kid performing at the florida state fair. i was singing breaking up is hard to do and i can remember every fucking second of that. standing just off stage was my mother, her hands clasped, eyes focused solely on me, tears in her eyes. she looked like the perfect stage mom, and i the perfect stage kid. what the people throwing money into a bucket in the audience didnt realize was that i was singing my heart out because i wanted to eat dinner that night... and that money they were giving us was for the groceries.
i realized as i watched my facial expressions during the video that i hated myself, and that feeling of hatred was exactly the same feeling i'd had about myself when i'd looked in the mirror in the car, seeing the hangover eyes.
i hate myself, and that is why i've done the drugs and the alcohol. i've told myself a million times it was to drown out the emotions about the past, but it wasnt at all about the emotions of the past as much as the hatred that burned when i thought of myself -- because my parents hated me, i hated me too. because exgirlfriends have hated me, i hated me too. because antagonists and photographers and reporters have hated me, i hated me too.
I'M DONE!!!!!!
there are people who love me, and i want to be one of them.
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