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Chapter Thirty - May 16

I didn't sleep well the night before Ro's funeral. Liv and I had gone to the viewing. It was hard to look at Ro in the casket and believe she was really dead. She looked like she was just lying there ready to jump up and pull off the biggest prank in the history of the world.

But it wasn't a prank. AJ sat in a chair by the casket the entire time, his hand over hers. He wouldn't take his eyes off her. I could tell that he was heavily sedated; it seemed to be a chore for him to nod. Even then I don't think he truly heard the words we were saying. He had the weight of the world on his shoulders and he seemed to be drowning from within.

For some strange reason, as I slept I had a dream about the Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely video. Don't ask me why. You can ask any of the guys; we never dream about ourselves or our videos. We leave that up to the fans. But I'll be damned, all I kept replaying in my head was AJ sitting on that bus looking at the picture. Except the girl was Rochelle. The closeup of the tear dropping out of his eye seemed stuck on close-up repeat. Then when my brain finally dislodged from that picture it was AJ turning and watching Ro disappear in thin air.

"Nick. Nick wake up."

I felt Liv shaking me for several seconds before I could actually wake up. I was face down in the pillow, my hand wrapped in a fistful of sheets. I was sweating.

"Nick, are you okay?"

I glanced up at her. She was looking down at me, her long hair spilling down over her shoulders and her face full of concern. I grabbed her hand and held it for the longest time.

"Just a bad dream," I murmured. "It's okay."

She leaned down and placed her lips on my forehead. My eyes fluttered closed. It was going to take a long time for my heart rate to slow down.

"I've had my fair of those bad dreams the last couple nights too," she admitted in a whisper. I felt her slide back down. Her body pressed against my side; her head came to rest on my chest. I held her for the longest time just staring up into the blackness.

I had never wanted to help someone so badly in all my life like I did with AJ. I had talked to the other guys at the viewing; we all wanted to help but we didn't know how. The ones were so raw and fresh and so much was going on that it just didn't seem like the right time to find the answer. The answer was there, it was just jumbled up in everything else.

Liv and I both faded in and out of sleep. Once the sun rose we were both up. I've never been the type of person to enjoy routine, but this morning I was grateful. I cut up bananas for Brooke while Liv fed Noah.

It's funny how kids pick a favorite parent. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; Brooke adores me. It's not that she doesn't love Liv or doesn't appreciate her, but there's definitely something about me that she gravitates to. I've noticed the opposite about Noah. He smiles for me and I have no trouble feeding him or putting him to sleep, but when Liv's holding him, he studies her face as if she's the most amazing person in the world. His hands are always trying to touch her hand or face or boob.

Of course that can be likened to the phrase 'like father, like son.' I also think Liv's the most amazing woman in the world, and I'm always trying to get some boob.

Liv's mom arrived while Brooke was finishing her breakfast. Liv and I left her to watch the kids while we went upstairs and got dressed.

For a long time I stood in the mirror, my tie around my neck, and my hands feeling useless. My thoughts drifted off to memories of AJ and Ro's wedding. I still remember how sore AJ was the morning of the wedding...how we had gone out the night before and got our tattoos. I also remembered looking over at AJ as Ro walked down the aisle and the look on his face. I had never seen him look that way before. Even though he tried to maintain such a tough outward appearance, he was the most emotional guy I knew. I was sure that his heart was going to burst from happiness that day.

And today I knew his heart was going to break from grief.

"Need help with your tie?" Liv asked. I saw her come up behind me in the reflection of the mirror. I didn't really need the help, but I wasn't going to turn it away.

"Sure," I said. I turned and she took the fabric in her hands. I lifted my chin as she brought up one side. With a little smile she brought it up to a little knot and patted it gently.

"There you go."

It was such a little gesture, but it triggered something in me. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her as my life depended on it. It wasn't the type of kiss that meant 'let's get naked and grind.'

It was the type of kiss that said 'grow old with me.'

"I love you," Liv said as I pulled away. I smiled down at her praying she wouldn't see the tears forming in my eyes.

"I love you too."

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We had to park four blocks from the church. There were cars for what seemed like a good mile in either direction. I took Liv's hand in mine and we headed towards the church.

"Wait up."

I turned. Brian and Leigh hopped up on the sidewalk beside us.

"Howie wants to talk to you, me, and Kev after the funeral," Brian said.

"About what?"

"About the tour."

I closed my eyes for a second. It didn't seem like the time to be worried about getting back out on the road. "Really? Today?"

"He wants us to postpone things for the rest of the year."

I hadn't expected that.

"Well, he has my vote."

"Yeah, mine too."

We headed into the church. Only the back pew was empty. We slid in just as the service started.

I don't honestly remember that much about what sermon was spoken or what songs were sang. The four of us had decided at the viewing yesterday not to perform a song. There was no way AJ could do it and we just didn't feel right singing in front of him.

The entire church filed by Ro's coffin at the front of the room and then walked down the aisle back outside. Brian and I stopped and hugged AJ tightly. His hand was pressed so hard onto the mahogany lid that I was sure he was going to leave a permanent imprint of his fingertips on the wood.

"Thank you for being here," he said brokenly. He didn't look so out of it today. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

As we walked outside, I couldn't help but think that it was cruel irony that the day was so damn beautiful. The sun was out and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. During Aaron's 'funeral', there had been a heavy downpour. I didn't know how such a truly mournful day could look so cheery when such a gray day was able to mask such an awful lie.

It just didn't make sense.

"It was a beautiful service," Liv said quietly as we crept forward.

"Yes, it was."

"I want you to sing for my funeral," Liv added. I almost slammed on the brakes. My knuckles tightened around the wheel.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Why? I'd think you'd want to know."

I closed my eyes.

"We have years and years before we have to think about that."

"We don't know that."

My stomach clenched uneasily. I had done a lot of stupid stuff over the years that could have potentially killed me. I never batted an eye. But now...

Now I had a wife and kids and dying just wasn't in the plan. Y'know?

Finally, I sighed.

"Just not today, okay?"

Liv placed her hand above my elbow and gave me a little squeeze. I knew she understood.

"Okay."

The graveside service was short. A prayer was said and then we all bowed our heads for a moment of silence and prayer. All around me birds chirped happily, leaves were blooming in brilliant shades of green, and the scent of flowers hung heavily in the air.

Once again, it just wasn't fair.

As everyone returned to their car, I went over to AJ and clasped his hand again. His eyes didn't turn from the casket.

"J, I'm going to call you soon okay? You let me know if you need anything."

He nodded; once again, I don't think he heard me.

As I walked away, I looked back. He had fallen on his knees by the casket. His mom and another lady were hovering on either side of him. I lowered my head; Liv's hand touched my back.

It was all too much even for me. I couldn't comprehend what it was like for AJ.

In hindsight, I don't think even AJ could comprehend what it was like for himself.

--------------------------

Liv and I met the rest of the guys and the girls at an Applebees. We ordered a couple appetizers and some drinks. Today, even I needed a drink. I sipped on a rum and coke. Liv played with the straw in her long island iced tea.

"I want to discuss future tour plans. We need an update for all the fans," Howie explained. I looked over at him.

"Brian said you want us to take the rest of the year off," I said. Howie nodded.

"I think that's a good idea," Kev said. His hair was at an awkward length; I couldn't believe how fast it had grown since we had gone bowling.

"I'll let Sam know," I said.

Howie nodded and took a sip of his drink.

"Of course, that's if AJ's ready in a year," Howie said. We all nodded. "If he is then...what should we do?"

"Do?" Bri asked.

"Do we keep promoting this album or..."

We lapsed into silence. It was Liv that finally broke it.

"I have an idea."

Her ideas were always good. I glanced over at her. She took a sip of her tea and picked up a mozzarella stick.

"I think you should give all the fans a free year in the club," she began. "I'm sure some joined because of anticipated tickets."

"That's a good idea," Kev said.

"And in a couple months you could conduct a fanclub poll. Fans could vote on their top six or eight songs off this album. You could take the top choices and then record maybe four or five new songs in October and rerelease the album in December right before the tour. I mean, it works for Gaga and Taylor Swift."

I looked around at the other guys. As Liv's husband I always felt like I shouldn't be the first one to offer an opinion. Brian used to do that when Leighanne had an opinion and it always used to piss the shit out of all of us, especially if we disagreed.

"I think that sounds good," Brian said.

"It would be easier than trying to pump out a whole new album," Howie

"And we have quality songs on this album that I don't think should just be tossed and forgotten," Kevin added.

"Of course, that's if AJ's ready," Leighanne added.

We all nodded.

Only time was going to tell what the future held.

For AJ...and the band.