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Chapter Four – October 3

“Do you have the wheelchair?”

“Yup.”

“Tombstones?”

“Yup.”

“Cupcakes?”

“Yup.”

“Bubble wrap?”

“Bubble wrap?”

“Never mind. That’s my surprise.”

It was seven o’clock in the morning. It was the earliest I had ever been to the studio in my life. Howie, Brian, AJ, and I were transforming the place into the best damn birthday cemetery anyone could ever hope to see. With Kevin’s birthday falling right at the beginning of Halloween season, he made our lives easier without even realizing it.

Howie was kneeling beside one of the tombstones.

“What should I write?”

Brian clapped his hands. “Write ‘Here Lies Kevin Richardson – He turned 40, now he’s moldy!’”

“Dude, that doesn’t rhyme,” I complained.

“It’s close enough.”

“I will never understand how you can write decent songs,” I quipped. Brian rolled his eyes.

“Here’s the cupcakes. The one on the right is Kevin’s,” AJ explained. He opened the lid of a white bakery box.

Howie stopped writing on the tombstone to come join our huddle. We stared down at the cupcake, four identical grins spread across our faces.

“Did you put the pill in the cupcake or the frosting?”

“I ground it down and mixed it into the frosting.”

“Where’d you get it?”

“The cupcakes or the Viagra?”

“The Viagra, dummy.”

“My stepdad.”

I made a face. “Doesn’t it gross you out that your stepdad takes Viagra to boing your mom?”

AJ grinned. “I have no problem with it. Everyone in this world deserves to get laid every now and then. Even my mom.”

“How long does it take to kick in?”

AJ shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t need Viagra.”

“Knock, knock!”

We all looked up at the same time. Leigh and Liv were standing in the doorway holding James and Brooke. James looked around at all of the Halloween decorations.

“BOO!” he yelled out. Howie laughed.

“He feeling better?”

“Yeah, I think the infection finally cleared. What is all this?”

“This is Kev’s 40th birthday, ‘over the hill’ party,” I explained.

Liv glanced at the tombstone. “Now he’s moldy? You guys do realize that you’re not much younger than him…right?”

“Well, I can’t speak for the rest of the guys but I am way younger,” I said.

“Did you do this when Leighanne turned 40?” Leigh asked Brian. His eyes widened.

“I’m dumb, but I’m not insane. Plus she doesn’t look forty.”

“Neither does Kevin,” Liv said.

“You guys are dampening our spirits,” AJ said. “Now, shoo.”

“Shoooo, shooooooo,” Howie sang, ala Bye Bye Love.

“You’re shooing the mothers of your children?” Leigh asked.

“Well unless you want to help.”

The girls looked at each other and then back at us.

“What do you need done?”

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Kevin arrived at the studio at ten. The moment he walked in, he scowled and turned around. I stopped him before he could make a run for it.

“Is this really necessary?” he asked.

“Of course it is. This is the first birthday we’ve gotten to celebrate with you in years,” Brian said.

“I was kind of hoping I could skip this birthday.”

I grinned. “Not going to happen. Where’s Addy?”

“Well unlike you doofuses, she’s letting me spend the day the way I want to spend it. And I’d prefer that it just be a normal day; therefore, I told her to go enjoy another day with Reins of Life.”

“What’s not normal about this?”

Kevin looked around the graveyard.

“Tombstones. Need I say more?”

“Aw c’mon Kev,” Leigh said. Her and Liv had gone all out in decorating the wheelchair.

“Yeah. Sit down in your throne.”

“What?”

I pointed to the wheelchair. He looked at it and groaned.

“The sooner you cooperate, the sooner this will be over,” Liv stage whispered to him. With a sigh Kevin sat down in the wheelchair. Brian and I burst into loud laughter as the whoopee cushion deflated.

“Dude!” Kevin said, bouncing back up. He picked up the cushion. Quick as lightning, he started smacking Brian and I with the thing.

“Ouch!” Brian said, covering his head. “C’mon…you’ve got to admit that was funny.”

Kevin tossed the cushion down but he did crack a small smile. He sat down again and folded his arms.

While Brian, AJ, and Howie made Kevin open our gag gifts (false teeth, a t-shirt, and a coffee mug to name a few), I slipped out of the room and into the bathroom. I had at my disposal some bubble wrap, a Hannah Montana wig, and Liv’s black bathing suit cover up. I stripped down and put on the cover up. I determined it looked close enough to a dress. I squished the bubble wrap up and shoved it down the front. After I situated the ‘girls,’ I swung the wig onto my head.

I pulled out a tube of red lipstick and stood at the mirror, carefully applying it. With a little smack and a pucker I was ready to go. I thought I made a pretty hot looking woman.

Minus the hairy legs.

I was almost back to the studio door when I heard an appreciative whistle. I turned and saw one of our sound guys oogling me. The moment he saw my face he turned three shades of white.

“What the fuck? Oh that’s just nasty,” he said. I had never seen someone run away as fast as he did.

I slipped into the studio door. AJ had left the bakery box of cupcakes right there. I grabbed the box and coughed.

Livvy, Leigh, Howie, Brian, AJ, and Kev turned in my direction. Leighanne was with Baylee at a home school testing seminar thing and Rochelle was at home (with a ‘cold,’ according to AJ). I grinned and did a little fingertip wave.

“Oh my dear Lord who art in heaven,” Brian said. AJ grinned and shoved his hands in his pockets. Howie started laughing so hard that I was pretty sure he was going to start to cry. Liv looked horrified; I saw her eyes dart to her wedding band and she shook her head.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you,” I sang in my most sultry, Marilyn Monroe-esque voice. “Happy 40th Birthday, Mr. Richardson. Happy Birthday to youuuuu.”

I stopped right in front of Kevin with the cupcake box. I put my leg up on his lap and lifted my dress.

“That’s just wrong,” Kevin said with a laugh. He shielded his eyes.

I knew he couldn’t stand the sexiness. Putting my leg back down I picked up the cupcake and handed it to him.

“This is for you,” I said sweetly. I strutted around passing out cupcakes. I handed one to Liv last. Her fingers wrapped around my arm. She stood on her tiptoes, putting her lips to my ear.

“You make a cute girl,” she whispered.

I grinned.

“Want to have some girl on girl action?” I whispered. “We can scissor.”

She laughed and peeled back the cupcake wrapper. “I’ll take a rain check.”

I turned back to Kevin with my own cupcake in hand. I tried to suppress a grin as he peeled back the wrapper. Brian, AJ, and Howie were watching him eagerly. He brought the cupcake to his mouth, opened his lips…and stopped.

“I think your cupcake is bigger,” Kevin said, pointing at Brian’s. “I’m awfully hungry this morning. Plus it is my birthday. Let’s switch.”

“What? No, way,” Brian said shaking his head.

“Why not?” Kevin asked sweetly. “My cupcake isn’t special is it?”

AJ laughed and smacked Brian in the back. “Of course it’s not special. Brian switch with Kevin.”

Brian stood there, his mouth flapping like a fish. AJ switched Brian and Kevin's cupcakes himself and took a big bite of his own cupcake. “Mmm, love that frosting.”

Kevin took a bite of his new cupcake. “What’s wrong cuz? I know you love cupcakes. Eat up.”

Looking like he was eating nails, Brian took a teeny tiny bite of his cupcake. Howie, who looked like he was enjoying the whole thing immensely, came up behind Brian as he took the next teensy bite. He smacked Brian’s hand, sending half of the cupcake into his mouth.

“C’mon, eat like a man.”

Brian gasped, frosting caked the inside of his mouth. He looked at Howie; if looks could kill, Howie would be getting his own tombstone today.

Kevin finished his cupcake and wiped the crumbs off his jeans.

“Well, thanks guys. Besides having to see Nick’s hairy legs, this wasn’t that bad.”

Liv walked over and kissed Kev’s cheek.

“Happy Birthday.”

“Yeah, Happy Birthday man,” AJ said sincerely.

“What’s wrong with my legs?” I said defensively.

“If you’re going to rock a mini dress at least have the decency to shave,” Kevin teased. He went to stand up but Liv stopped him.

“Wait! I want to get pictures!”

I sat down and began to play with my bubble wrapper titties. Kevin was a good sport and knelt down by the tombstones and poised with some of his presents until Liv was satisfied that she had captured the moment the best she could.

I had completely popped one boob when the door to the studio opened. I looked up to see Addy. Holding tightly to her hand was Mason.

“Happy bird-day daddy!” Mason said. Kevin’s eyes widened in surprise. Mason let go of Addy’s hand and raced over to Kevin. Kevin knelt down and scooped him up tightly, burying his face in the blonde mop of hair.

“Oh that’s so cute,” Leigh said. I heard a sniffle from Livvy’s direction.

“How did you get here?” Kevin finally asked. He was grinning ear to ear.

“Addy picked me up from the arrow-port,” Mason explained. Addy smiled and slid her hands in her back jeans pockets.

“I couldn’t think of anything else to get you for your birthday,” she said softly.

If Kev looked at Addy like he worshipped her before, the way he was looking at her now completely surpassed anything else I’d seen so far.

“This,” he said, giving Mason a kiss on the cheek. “Is the best present I could ask for.”

Mason grinned. “I smell cupcakes!” he said happily.

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Sometime between the arrival of Mason and another round of cupcakes, Brian disappeared.

“You see Bri?” I asked Howie. He was lovingly wiping frosting off of James’ face.

“Nope.”

“Hey daddy?” Mason said. Kevin beamed down at him.

“What’s up, buddy?”

“Why’s uncle Nick dressed like a giwl?”

Kevin sighed.

“He’s being silly.” Kevin looked up at me. I had completely popped my boobs.

“Will you go change already?”

I laughed and yanked off the wig. I felt like a dog with fleas. I don’t know how anyone can wear a wig. My head was sweating and itching like crazy. I scratched vigorously behind my ear as I headed back to the bathroom.

I yanked the black cover up over my head and had just pulled on my jeans when I realized that Brian’s sneakered feet were in the stall next to mine.

“Hey, I wondered where you went,” I called out.

Bri didn’t answer. I slipped on my shirt and wiped off my red lipstick.

“Brian, you alive in there?”

I heard a noise that sounded like a cross between a puppy’s whine and a constipated man. I walked out of my stall and knocked on his.

“Bri?”

The door swung open. Brian sat on the toilet lid his face contorted in absolute discomfort. His hands were resting over his crouch.

“I’m going to kill AJ,” he said.

It took me a moment to remember that Brian had been cupcake punk’d. I grinned.

“Dude, how long you been sporting the stiffy?”

“It’s not funny. I can’t even walk, man. How long does this stuff last?”

“I don’t know. The commercials say that you should seek help if it lasts more than twenty four hours.”

Brian’s eyes widened. “I can’t sit on this crapper for twenty four hours!”

I was trying to be a good sympathetic friend, but the truth is, the whole thing was damn funny.

“Too bad Leighanne’s not here,” I said lightly.

“Hey what’s going on in here?”

I turned around as Kevin walked in. His head poked around the stall door. He looked surprised to see me and Brian camped out in one stall.

“What are you doing in here?” he asked Brian. His eyes traveled down to Brian’s cupped hands. He looked like he couldn’t decide whether to frown or laugh.

“How’s it hanging?” he finally said. He broke into a grin.

“This is your fault,” Brian said miserably. “Why couldn’t you have just eaten the cupcake?”

Kevin smiled. “Because I figured you guys spit in it or blended up worm guts.”

“Not quite,” I said lightly. Kevin looked at me.

“So you did put something in it,” he confirmed.

I didn’t do nuttin,” I corrected. “But AJ laced the frosting with Viagra.”

Kevin’s eyes widened in surprise. “Viagra? What the hell for?”

“We wanted you to have a nice birthday bang. We figured Addy would thank us.”

Kevin shook his head. “First of all, if I do want a birthday bang, I don’t need your help. And secondly, I don’t need any help in that department. Addy will attest to that.”

His attention went back to Brian. Bri shifted uncomfortably.

“Want to ice it?” Kevin asked. He looked sympathetic.

“Ice?” Brian asked. He thought about it for a minute. “Ice might be good.”

Kevin left to go make up an ice pack. I pulled out my phone and took a picture.

“What are you doing?” Brian asked. His face was bright red.

“I’m tweeting,” I said. Brian’s eyes widened.

“You’re tweeting?”

“Yeah. I’ve got the perfect caption,” I said.

“Recording is hard work.