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Chapter Fifty Five - January 13 - Sun City, South Africa

"Why isn't there a faster way to get to all these places? This is CRAZY!"

For once, I had to agree with little Red. The plane ride had been fun for oh, the first two or three hours. Mason finally decided that Shelby was still okay to play with even though she was a girl and they spent quite a bit of time playing their own twisted version of Go Fish that involved flicking cards at Howie's head at random intervals. Howie was oblivious. He had already started to fall asleep at the check-in counter in Puerto Rico and he wasted no time grabbing a pillow and blanket when we got on the plane. James was curled up on his chest and both of them were doing this identical mouth-open, 'I'm watching you with one eye still open' thing.

Brooke had lost the whole 'flying' thrill a few hours ago. She was sitting on my lap with the saddest look on her face I had ever seen. Even funny shaped clouds weren't doing it for her anymore.

Luckily Liv was feeling better. Leigh was not. She was curled up to Howie and she had one of the flight's barf bags in her hands.

"We have two more hours," Kevin said with a sigh.

"Mason, why don't you come here so we can start going over your letters and numbers buddy?" Addy asked with a smile.

His eyes widened. "I don't WANT to do school!"

Shelby's head shot up. "School? School's for fools!"

Molly turned around. "Actually Shelby, I think it's time for you to start doing your letters and numbers too."

This statement was followed by a meltdown of epic proportion. The last hour of the flight consisted of two sullen little kids with big pieces of tracing paper and pencils pouting about having to learn. Oh, horror.

My little guy on the other hand was glued to another Baby Einstein video. Noah pointed at the color blue and broke out into a huge grin. He was calmly sitting on Liv's lap. I so want to be as easy-going as him when I grow up, haha.

At last we touched down in South Africa. I couldn't have been happier to get off the plane. Out of all the guys I think that I probably like planes the least. My ass always falls asleep and there's just not enough to do.

"I can't wait to get to the hotel," Leigh sighed.

I couldn't have agreed more until we walked out of the airport.

"Dude, I forgot how beautiful this place was," AJ said softly.

It had been a long time. Brooke's eyes widened.

"Daddy, pwetty."

"Oh, Nick," Liv said softly.

We piled into three large busses and headed to the hotel.

"We're staying in a castle?" Mason said excitedly. Kevin laughed.

"No, buddy. That's just a hotel."

I wouldn't call it just a hotel. The Palace of the Lost City was the most unique place we had ever stayed at. The walls in each of our suites were hand-carved. Brooke pressed her hands into the grooves of the walls and looked up at me in surprise.

"Cool, huh?"

She nodded. Liv held Noah up.

"Ooooh."

There was no doubt that the place was probably too fancy to take kids, but at the time the guys and I weren't really thinking about that.

We realized our mistake when we all went down to The Villa del Palazzo within the hotel for an Italian dinner.

"Oh, thank God. I don't think they serve goat here," Liv said as we hovered outside. I laughed.

"You don't want spaghetti and goat balls?" I teased.

"Damnit Nick," Leigh groaned. She took off towards the bathroom.

"I want SPAGHETTI!" Shelby yelled.

We never made it through the door. There was a formal shirt and tie policy and the maitre'd looked like he would like nothing better than to slap a roll of duct tape on Shelby's mouth.

"But Mister, I'm HUNGRY!" Shelby yelled when the maitre'd explained the dress code. "Why do you have to dress up anyhow? You serve SLOPPY FOOD!"

AJ put a hand gently over her mouth. We backed off.

"Mr. J. we SO should have hit up a McDonald's," Shelby complained when he dropped his hand from her mouth.

My stomach was growling and I was getting tired. Brooke suddenly seemed to weigh a hundred pounds in my arms.

Finally we all ended up back in my suite waiting on room service.

"What's the plan tomorrow?" AJ asked. I grinned.

"It's Noah's birthday!"

Noah's head turned in my direction. He smiled and clapped his hands.

"And what are we doing for Noah's birthday, Mr. Carter?" Liv asked.

I smiled. "Well we're going to start off taking the kids through the artificial rainforest. And then..."

I paused for dramatic effect.

"We're going on a safari!"

"Is it a g-i-r-a-f-f-e-l-e-s-s safari?" Liv asked. She spelled out the word. It took me a minute to figure out what she meant. When I did I laughed.

"Liv, Brooke was one. She's almost two. There's no way she could still be freaked out."

Liv just gave me a look. She shrugged and smiled.

"Okay, but you're holding her."

I smiled.

"Deal."

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January 14

"Elephants can purr like cats!"

"Hippos have to take a poop before they can make babies!"

I had somehow ended up on safari with the reincarnation of Steve Irwin. Shelby was practically hanging out of the jeep. She had a huge pair of binoculars pressed against her face.

"Where do you get this stuff?" I asked. She lowered the binoculars and looked at me.

"I watch the Animal Channel, Bob."

AJ snickered.

I had hired three jeeps to take us through the safari park. Liv and I were with AJ, Molly, Shelby, and the twins. Bri and Baylee were sharing a jeep with Howie and James. Leigh had decided to stay at the hotel. Somehow Kevin, Addy, and Mason ended up in a jeep all by themselves.

Noah was practically hidden completely from view by the huge hat that Liv had plopped on his head.

"Happy Birthday buddy!" I said. I leaned down and kissed his bare arm. I could taste the sunblock Liv had smeared on him. His little feet danced happily. He peeked out from under the hat when Shelby announced that there were cheetahs out there.

"Kitty!" Brooke said excitedly.

I couldn't wait until Brooke got older and I got to tell her that her daddy had actually petted one of those 'kitty's.' Sure I had almost pissed my pants, but I had still done it.

"HI SHELBY!"

Shelby turned around. I saw AJ wince. She had decided to wear high heels and one was currently wedged dangerously close to his groin.

"HI MASON! LOOK AT THE CHEETAH!"

"Shelby, you need to be quiet or you're going to scare all the animals away," Molly said. She tugged on her arm and Shelby landed with a hard plop on AJ's lap. She crossed her arms. AJ wrapped his arms around her. The next thing I knew she was giggling. AJ was tickling her sides.

We had almost finished the safari and I was thinking about how nice and peaceful the day had turned out to be when Shelby bounced back up.

But it was Mason who made the announcement.

"LOOK! THERE'S GIRAFFES! LOTS OF THEM!"

He wasn't kidding. There must have been about fifteen giraffes. Brooke's head turned and followed the direction that Shelby was pointing. Her eyes widened and she began to scream.

She wasn't the only one. Kayleigh joined in from the jeep behind us. Brooke turned into a wiggling mass of crazy. I tried to hold her down, but she wasn't having any of it. She reached out and hit Noah in the arm.

It was his turn to burst into tears.

"WHAT'S WITH THE BABIES?" Shelby yelled over the noise.

I was pretty sure that the noise was going to create a stampede. Luckily, if that did happen, it took place in the opposite direction from where our jeeps were parked. Our driver kicked the vehicle back into gear. Brooke pressed her face into my shirt. She was more than ready to get far, far away from here.

The jeeps took one big loop through the park and ended up back at the beginning. I kissed the top of Brooke's head.

"It's okay. Daddy's got you," I assured her. I was the first one to hop out of the jeep.

I should have let AJ go first. The moment I landed, I felt my foot slide out from under me.

"LIV!" I screamed.

I don't think she had ever moved faster. I felt Brooke being yanked from my arms just a split second before I fell down hard on my tailbone.

Again.

If the pain wasn't bad enough, the smell was enough to make me want to vomit. I felt something wet soaking into my jeans. A little mop of red hair popped up over the bars of the jeep.

"Ew, I think you just fell in LEOPARD poop!"

I heard Brian start to laugh. The unmistakable sound of a cellphone camera sounded. I stood up. The smell followed me. My driver looked like he was trying not to smile.

"We have a hosing off station," he said. He hopped out of the jeep. I looked down. Sure enough there was shit all over the ground.

I went and hosed myself off, but without a change of clothes, I was still soaking wet and smelling like wild animal crap.

"Why don't we go back to the hotel?" Liv said. She was keeping a pretty good distance from me. "You can...change and then we can get Noah a little piece of cake."

I nodded. "Sounds good."

We walked back to the van that had brought us from the hotel. Kevin yanked open the large back door where the spare tire was kept.

"After you."

"Why do I have to sit back here?"

"Nick, you smell horrible. You're going to have to throw your whole outfit away, man."

I really couldn't argue with him. I was offending myself with the odor. And I still hadn't learned to bring an extra set of clothes with me. On the way back, I think the van hit every single bump in the road on purpose. I vowed that this was the last time I did anything involving wild animals.

It just didn't turn out well.