I didn’t know how to begin. This was the first time I would be talking about why I left. I was talking from my heart and soul. I guess I would just start at the beginning.

“Remember about two months before I left, we spent the day on your boat.” He nodded. “That was the best night of my life. It was also the scariest. That’s when I started feeling like I had to leave.”

FLASHBACK

We sat on the deck of the boat looking at the stars. Nick held me close and sang to me. The words touched me. It was a song he had written just for me.

Words could never show

how much I love you

You’ve touched my heart and soul

No one can compare

To the love you bring me

You’re my one and only

Heart to heart, Soul to soul

Our love will never end

Forever we will always be

Heart to heart, you to me

I’m not afraid when you’re around

You  make the whole world disappear when you’re near

I’ll never get tired of loving you

Heart to heart, Soul to soul

Our love will never end

Forever we will always be

Heart to heart, you to me

“Nick that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.” Tears glistened down my face. Nick was the only man for me. He was my heart, my soul, my everything. I could not ask for a better man than him. I loved him with all my heart and soul.

“I mean it with all my heart Ray. You are everything I have wanted in life and more. I can’t begin to tell you what you have done to my life.” He leaned in and kissed me. This kiss was special, a kiss that meant we would be together foerver. My head was spinning, I had never been kissed like this before.

“I love you Nick.” I whispered in his ear.

“Ray I want to marry you. I know that we’re still young but you’re the only one I can see living my life with me. I hope you feel the same way. I see us together with a family.” Reality had set in. I was shocked that he was talking about marriage. Yes, I wanted to marry him, but I didn’t feel I was ready to commit myself on that level.

“I want to marry you in the future. I love you with all my heart and soul, but we have plenty of time before we settle down.” 

This conversation was making me nervous. I had to change the subject.

“Nick can you sing to me?”

END OF FLASHBACK

“What made you scared?” He looked deep into my soul wanting to hear the answer he had be waiting for the last three years.

“Don’t get mad at me when I say this. When you started talking about marriage, I got scared. I knew I wasn’t ready.”

“I wasn’t pressuring you. I would never do that. I just wanted you to know what I was feeling for you. Did you not love me enough to want to marry me? We were going out for almost four years. Couldn’t you see a future with me?” Nick looked more hurt than ever. He thought I didn’t love him, when I loved him more than anything in the world.

“Yes, I saw a future with you, but that wasn’t the problem. I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough to be your wife. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would find a man who loved me as much as you.  When we first started dating, I didn’t think we would last more than four months. As time went on I felt like a princess. You treated me like a goddess.”

“So the whole time we dated you didn’t see us together forever?”

“No, Nick it was never like that. Other guys I had dated treated my okay, but they never respected me as a person with feelings. You were the first guy to do that. You showed me what love was all about. I never felt like I deserved a man like you. Then when you started talking marriage, I knew that I wasn’t good enough to be your wife.” I confessed.

“How can you say that? You were the only person I wanted to marry. There was no one else for me. That’s why I couldn’t move on and date someone else after you left. If I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want anyone. I’d rather end up lonely and bitter, than pretend to love someone else.”

His last comments startled me. I couldn’t believe he would rather be lonely the rest of his life, than find another woman to love.

“Things seemed to get worse for me, after our talk. Alex started in on me about when we were getting married. He would hound me every day about it. I finally asked him why he was so concerned. He told me that you had bought the ring months before our talk. That freaked me out. Everyday I would wonder when you were going to ask me. I didn’t want to tell you no, but I knew I had no choice.”

“Just because I had bought the ring, didn’t mean I was going to propose to you right away. I had bought the ring back in 2000. That was two years before I even mentioned marriage to you.”

I didn’t know what to say. New things about our relationship kept popping up. I was learning so much about things I never knew existed. I couldn’t believe he knew that he wanted to marry me that long ago. This situation was getting harder than it was before. It was not black or white, but an interesting shade of gray.

“Nick why did you wait so long to talk to me about marriage, when you had the ring all that time.”

“Ray, I knew you weren’t ready in 2000. I wanted to wait till you knew that you wanted to spend your life with me. I wanted to marry you the first time I met you. You had me from the first time you smiled at me. I can’t explain it, but I knew I was going to marry you the first time I met you.” He looked at the floor. My heart broke for him. How could he have known that at age thirteen?

“I felt I had to leave Nick, because I overheard Brian and Howie talking about how you were going to propose on our next date. I knew I wasn’t ready to get married, and I didn’t want to break your heart by telling you no. My only choice was to leave. That way you would hate me and move on. I loved you to much to hurt you.” The tears rolled down my face. Nick was crying too.

“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth from the beginning? If I would have known that you were afraid of getting married, none of this would have happened. We didn’t have to get married. Why weren’t you honest?” He screamed,

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to hurt you. I thought it would be easier to just leave.”

“But you hurt me more by leaving. I thought you wanted to marry me, that’s why I was going to ask you to get married on that date. You left me instead of being honest. That hurt worse than if you would have said no.”

“I guess I was stupid. I should have been honest. This is all my fault.” I sobbed.

“Ray, you made a huge mistake. I’ve changed a lot. My heart is guarded. I don’t trust you. You aren’t the same woman I fell in love with.”

“How can I make things better?” I looked into his eyes. They were saying so much.

“I don’t know. I need time to think about all of this. Give me some time.” Quietly he walked out of the room.

I would give him all the time he needed. My life wouldn’t be complete without him. I was somewhat optimistic about our relationship since he at least talked to me. I had a feeling we would both be able to move on and come to terms with what I had done. At least, I hoped we could grow from this mistake I made.