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Chapter Ten


I was on stage, singing into a microphone.

There were thousands of fans in a stadium, screaming my name. Instead of being scared of this, I felt the rush, the thrill that came with performing. The idea of this was second nature to me, even if I knew that it shouldn’t be. I could see into the crowd, the woman who haunted my dreams so many times before. She was watching me proudly, a young boy beside her. My heart swelled when I saw him looking at me admirably. My son.

I always wanted children, someone to settle down with.

The little boy looked so much like me. It was as if I was staring into a mirror of myself at that age. The only difference was the hair, his curly hair that was a little long, actually. I glanced over at the other three singing with me. This time it was three I noticed, rather than four in my other dreams. They were the same men though, if only a little older.

I felt so happy, I felt as if I was home.

I walked off the stage, into the crowd. Security guards came with me.

And then suddenly, I was alone. It was raining. Lightening streaked the sky as thunder roared angrily around me. I knew this scene. I’d seen it in my dreams before. I could taste the blood as it ran along my face. I was in the middle of the highway staring at the woman on the ground. I ran towards her, frantic. The front of her shirt was covered with blood. Her golden blonde hair was now a dark red around her skull. I knelt to the ground, lifted her up and held her close against me. I shot a side glance to the wrecked Jeep. I saw myself inside and unconscious.

“My” condition didn’t matter much to me. Only the woman I held in my arms.

“Brian…” I heard. It didn’t come from the body I held. The one I had was lifeless. I knew it.

Tears streamed down my face and mixed in with the rain. This wasn’t true. None of it. She couldn’t be dead. I wouldn’t let her be. None of this happened. It was all fake. I knew I was dreaming, I had to be. I couldn’t bear the pain otherwise. The agony that swelled up inside my heart and was all consuming. Soon it would have my soul.

“You are dreaming.”

I stared up at the source of the voice. It was the same woman I held in my arms only…different. She was surrounded by this serene glow. She had none of the wounds the dead woman in my embrace had. She was well, and she was beautiful. I smiled sadly up at her.

“Leighanne…”

“Finally, you know my name again.” Her hand stroked my cheek.

“I don’t understand.”

She looked at with me with more love than I’d ever known. “I know, but you will. You’re starting to. Brian, just because you’re dreaming…doesn’t mean none of it is true…” She started walking away then, fading back into the stormy night.

“Wait!”

“I can’t stay.”

“Don’t go!”


“Don’t go!” I screamed again.

I sat straight up in my bed, sweating like a pig in heat. My heart was beating like crazy. I tried to recall clearly the dream I’d just had. I couldn’t believe how much it shook me to the core right then. Yet, I couldn’t remember much, just a name. I didn’t know what it meant. I only knew the feelings that soared through me at the thought. A mix of love, devotion, pain, and confusion.

Leighanne.

Climbing out of bed, I made my way towards the shower. Right then, I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about anything. Seemed like I deserved a day, a break from everything that wanted to haunt me. I had a simple day ahead. No work and no therapy sessions. I was going to spend the day with Carlie walking along the coast and maybe a picnic. Nothing more. We were always at the beach it seemed, but it was one of my favorite things to do here. Sometimes simplicity was bliss. If nothing else, this place was the best example of that.

Too bad I wasn’t going to get that today.

Somehow, I knew it.

*****

“You seem distracted today.” Carlie said as her hand reached for mine, a gentle breeze tousled her dark curls about her face. It made her even more attractive to me. I always found myself so hesitant around her. Why?

“I’ve just been thinking a lot lately.”

“How’s therapy been? No…”

I shook my head. “No panic attacks since the last one. I just have a lot of questions but no answers.”

“I’m here for you, you know…” She smiled up at me. Suddenly the image of that woman Leighanne from my dream flashed across my mind, and she was looking so sad. “In case you want to talk to someone else about it.”

“Thanks. I think I just need a break from thinking about it though.”

“I understand that.”

“Besides.” I grinned wickedly at her, watched the flush as it rose into her cheeks as she took in my gaze. “I want to focus on you!” I scooped her up into my arms ignoring her shrieks as I raced towards the ocean.

“Bren!”

“Milady, it’s time you and I took a dip!”

I dropped her in the water in front of me as her squeals grew louder. She stood indignantly, stared me down as I tried my best to look at her innocently. Carlie watched me carefully and I fought my smile as I saw the corners of a mouth twitch. Then, she dove at me, tackling me into the shallow water as the waves crashed up against the shore. I laughed, wrapping her in my arms as she giggled. I leaned forward, enjoying the taste of her kiss as her lips met mine.

Yet, again, there was a sadness in me I couldn’t explain to anyone if I tried.

“You’re such a brat.”

“But you like that about me?” I asked cheekily.

She kissed the tip of my nose as I picked her up, walking back down along the sand. It wasn’t too far where I set up our little area. Several blankets lay upon the soft sandy ground, an umbrella was propped up with our picnic basket set beneath it. I smiled down at Carlie in my arms, having the strongest feeling of déjà-vu, as if I’d done this before.

“I’ve gotta carry you across the threshold Leighanne, its tradition! Even if we’re the same size, I’ll stumble in if I have to hehe.”

I blinked and regained my bearings as I laid her down along the blanket and sat down next to her. I ran my hands through her wet hair, the curls even more frantic wet than they had been dry. I tucked it behind her ear and just enjoyed the serenity. I leaned in close again, and just before our kisses began again, a loud voice caused me to freeze.

“Brian?!”

I turned immediately and rose. No. That wasn’t in my head this time. Carlie stood too. The confused look in her face confirmed that this time I wasn’t just seeing this. A tall man with spiked up blonde hair was running across the beach. The expression on his face was one mixed of shock, anger and pure happiness in an odd blend. His speed quickened as he rushed towards me. He grabbed me in his arms and hugged me as if he knew me. I shoved him away, totally confused. This man, he was identical to one of the four men I dreamed of singing with so many times before. He was in the one I’d had last night, one of the three. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t explain the fear I felt at the very first sight of him.

It was as if he walked out of my dreams.

“Do I know you?” I finally asked, unable to hide just how frightened I was. Why did he scare me so much?

“Brian…it’s me…” Nick. I finished in my mind.

I shook my head. No. This wasn’t happening. This man didn’t know me. He had to be mistaking me for someone else! I wasn’t this Brian. That wasn’t who I was. That wasn’t true. They were just crazy dreams. No. No. No. I could feel my breathing quickening and forced myself to slow it down. This was the worst possible time for a panic attack. I knew I just had to remember what Dr. Woo said and prevent it from happening.

My mind continued to race. Nothing was making sense. These were just crazy dreams weren’t they? Dreams to cope with the fact most of my life was a blur. Dreams of things I used to wish happened to me but never did. That’s all they were. None of this was real. It had to be coincidence or something.

Yet, I couldn’t explain it. And I wanted to, desperately.

“I don’t know you.”

He stared at me; I could see the pain in his eyes as I stared up at me. This Nick, he was at a complete loss for words. I caught Carlie out of the corner of my eyes, looking clueless as to what she should do. She wasn’t alone there. Nick grabbed me by the shoulders.

“Of course you know me! Nick, the Frack to your Frick! Remember? You’ve known me since I was thirteen. Brian, you’re acting crazy…what are you doing here? You need to come back home. Everyone’s been crazy with worry since you left man…”

I shook my head again. “No, you have me confused with someone else.”

I ignored the fact that I did get his name right. It couldn’t be real.

“I don’t get it Brian…”

“I’m NOT Brian!” I found myself screaming at him angrily. I wasn’t! I couldn’t be! I took Carlie’s hand and started walking away.

“Bren…” She started, looking sadly back at him.

“Let’s just go.”

He stared after us as we hurried off. I didn’t look back.

*****

I found myself walking around that night alone. I didn’t talk to Carlie the rest of the walk back to her home. She didn’t ask anything either. I think she knew better. I figured she knew I had no answers as well. My mind was still whirling with what happened earlier. Who was this Nick? Why did he think I was this Brian? This Brian could be a cousin of mine. That was it! It would explain everything if it was just a family member’s life I was mixing up as my own. I smiled as I enjoyed the stars above, satisfied with my own explanation.

“How long has he been living here?”

I stopped at the familiar voice and stayed behind the tree I was about to pass. I stared at the source of the sound. I hadn’t realized I was so close to Carlie’s house. I’d been that lost in thought at the time. I waited, too curious for my own good about her response.

“Almost five months now.”

“That fits. I think he’s my best friend. I just…”

“Are you sure? He didn’t seem to know you. I want to help you but I care about Brendan more.”

“Brendan?” he sounded so confused.

“That’s his name.”

“No, it’s Brian.” I could see him hold out something to her so she could see, but it was too dark for me to tell what it was, even in the moonlight. “We’ve been hoping and praying he’d come back and now that I’ve found him…”

“Mr. Carter, the resemblance is uncanny. But, I still think you might be mistaken. Bren always talks of how he’s been single his entire life, that he moved here after his parents died. None of that matches the one you’ve told me about.”

I walked away then, feeling the sudden need to go back to my house before my spying was discovered. Once again, I refused to let myself look back. I couldn’t. I had no need to! Even though inexplicably, all I wanted to do was tell him I was sorry.

Forgive me Nick.

Maybe one day he’d find the guy he was really looking for.

*****
Chapter End Notes:

For those who don't already know, I started my own "Torture Awards" to showcase the best ways fanfic authors have managed to make the Backstreet Boys suffer lol. From Cancer and choppage to psycho stalkers, zombies, and epic deaths... this honors the best moments in fanfiction!

So please check them out and nominate your favorite moments and stories at the link below!

Pain Is Just Pleasure Awards