My mission was to find my best friend.
Everyone’s told me that if the police can’t find him, I won’t. I begged to differ. If anyone knew Brian, I did. And to be honest, I knew I wouldn’t be able to live my life knowing he was out there somewhere. Held against his will. Cause see, that’s the other damn thing. There was not a chance in hell Brian would just leave on his own. I know him too well, and there is no way he’d leave Baylee behind the way he did. See, Baylee, was visiting his grandparents again. They had been taking him a lot ever since the accident. In fact, I was pretty sure that’s why he wasn’t with them when it happened, lucky for him.
When it happened, and I got that call from the hospital…
I still shuddered when I thought of it. I could’ve never even explained the feelings that came with it. It felt like my heart stopped. I won’t lie. I was with Lauren at the time, and after I answered, well, she told me she thought I’d seen a ghost or something. I just remember thinking, oh my god, my best friend might be dead. And that’s the thing; we’re all still pretty young. I mean fuck, I was only thirty, and Brian’s only thirty-five. Death wasn’t something you’d think about, ya know?
But I guess that’s it, ain’t it? Just cause you weren’t thinking about it, didn’t mean it wasn’t gonna happen. Like I never thought Brian would disappear. Even if I did, I didn’t think anyone would have even dared to try and take him right then. Like, how fucked up can you be, ya know? I’ve known I sounded crazy to the rest of the world. People have been saying Brian must’ve been sick of the spotlight, after what happened to Leighanne. Bullshit.
Cause Brian loved the spotlight when it came to performing. Loved it. That’s why the man was such a ham for attention. (Not that I have any room to talk on that.) And has the world forgotten Baylee? He’d never consciously abandon his kid. Baylee and Leighanne were Brian’s world. And, now that Leighanne’s gone… well he wouldn’t just leave Baylee to fend for himself.
I remember, after Brian got out of the hospital, he seemed in such a daze. Not like daydreaming. I ain’t explaining this right. It was more of like a daze of grief, but he kept asking if Baylee was okay, did he know… those types of questions. That’s why Brian’s and Leighanne’s parents took turns taking care of Baylee. They knew Brian needed the time to cope and get a handle on things.
And only three weeks later, he was gone.
Now like I said, there’s no way Brian would leave on his own. Something ain’t right, and my ass was finding out. A knock on the door interrupted my train of thought. I had a few guesses as to who it was. Beyond the reporters I mean. Really, there were only a few people.
One of the fellas.
Lauren.
One of my random family members.
No one else came to drop by these days. Apparently I wasn’t fun to be around anymore. Like I gave a damn. My best friend has been missing for two and a half months now. So excuse me for not being their life of the party, but they could kiss my rosy white ass.
The knocking started again and I glanced at the door. “Come in!”
And dum da da da! It was AJ.
Like I said, it wasn’t hard to take a guess these days. AJ was a weird guy these days, and it was one of the few times I understood why. See, a week before the accident, he’d finally married Rochelle. So he’s been on that lovey dovey honeymoon buzz the others went through when they said their I Dos. But then all this shit went down. So he’s been happy, but feeling guilty as hell for feeling happy. And then feeling down because we all miss Brian. It’s how I get when I laugh at something on TV. I hate myself then. Because I know that somewhere, Brian is likely held against his will, and I’m laughing at something stupid. So I see AJ and I know that’s how he’s feeling.
Yeah, that’s right, I can read people.
Nah, actually, AJ was telling me all this the other day. Frick used to be his go to man for talks, he was for me too. He was always really good about advice and listening. Something in those Littrell genes I guess. Now, we went to each other. Still felt weird.
“Hey,” He greeted as he walked in, the barks of my still potty training Doberman Pincher yapping and nipping at his heels as he passed.
“Dobby! Knock it off!”I watched as he settled back down in his little bed in the corner of the living room and I tried to refocus. That ain’t easy with me either ya know.
“Still can't believe you named him Dobby.”
I shrugged, not really saying much. I didn’t say a lot anymore those days. As for my dog, it took me months to find a name for him. And what can I say, I love me some Harry Potter. I’m a nerd that way. I went back to what I was doing. My hands ran across the keyboard on my laptop, trying to find what I could on the internet. Brian had become a conspiracy. People were claiming they spotted him everywhere. It was getting as bad as fucking Elvis. And normally it pissed me off.
Today, I realized it might actually do some damn good.
“Dude, stop playing like a fucking mime. They’re almost as creepy as those damn clowns.” AJ has clown issues. “What are you doing?” I felt him lean in over my shoulder, even though I didn’t actually look up to confirm it.
“Googling, what does it look like?”
“Wait… Brian Littrell Spottings? Nick are you fucking kidding me?”
“No.” I replied, my tone was even and low. “You already know what I think about it.”
“I miss him too, but come on. Those people are bullshitting. The police said…”
“There was no sign of forced entry, of struggle, blah blah blah. I was there too ya know.”
“Then why can’t you just accept that maybe… maybe Brian left to try and deal?”
I swerved around in my chair. If looks could kill, AJ would’ve been Backstreet Dust right then and there. Pretty damn sure. My hands clenched the arms of the chair. I was trying so hard to keep my head. It was hard for me, when people made assumptions about Bri like that. No matter who it was. “You really, really think, that he would not only abandon us… ditch the fans, abandon his parents…but you think he would just up and leave Baylee?”
I shouldn’t clench my jaw so hard; it hurts when I do it.
“Baylee was at his parents when he left, he would know they’d take care of him and-”
I rolled my eyes and turned back to my computer. “And he’d still say something. Brian’s better than that. You should fucking know that. I don’t expect the cops to know that, or the media. But I do think you should. Hell, the fucking fans do.”
“He wasn’t himself after it happened. We all know that. Hell, you came to me all upset cause he wouldn’t talk to you! He wouldn’t talk to any of us. He was acting weird when it happened, and he might have just left thinking it was better.”
“He. Would. Never. Do. That.” Each word had a bitter taste as I said it. I shouldn’t have had to defend him this way.
“You don’t know that.” AJ’s voice was quiet, and I knew he was holding back. Just like I was.
“Just go man. I ain’t up to hearing this. You guys can accept that he left. But I ain’t going to. So stop trying to make me.”
I knew he stood there, trying to think of something to say back to me. It was silent in my condo as the tension hung like fog in the air. And as I expected, there were no words. There never were. AJ was always a fan of denial too. He still thinks Kevin’s going to rejoin the group someday. It wasn’t a surprise he wanted to deny the idea that Brian might be in trouble. Leaving hurt, but it was easier to fucking swallow. I heard the door slam behind him and I sighed. Some days were worse than others. Some days we’d talk, like we used to with Brian. Others, we’d end up fighting about what happened.
Most people thought Brian left on his own. I figured they thought that because it’s easier. Easier to think it was a choice instead of forced on him. Screw easy. I didn’t think he did, because it just didn’t fit Brian, who he was. I didn’t give a damn if the world thought I was crazy. I didn’t care that the fellas were worried I was getting obsessed with this.
Everything else can be damned.
I ain’t giving up on Brian.
