Have you ever had a heart attack?
Neither have I, but this was what I always guessed them to feel like. It had felt like my heart exploded in my chest. And then darkness had followed. I knew it was going to rank as one of the scariest moments in my life. Of course the top of that list was the heart surgery I had when I was sixteen. I remember mom and dad couldn’t be there, but I can’t remember why. It’s all fuzzy. I know I felt so alone though, so afraid. And my heart then had been giving me chest pains.
I hope I didn’t scare Carlie too much.
I wasn’t sure where I was, or what I was doing now. But I could sense I wasn’t awake. One of those knowing you’re dreaming type moments. I was standing outside a decorative picture frame, looking in as if I was watching a movie. The frame itself was a bit weird, very childlike, a shiny black covered with glittery golden stars. I could see a younger me, with reddish blond hair, laughing and joking with a tall lanky blonde kid. The younger me jumped on his shoulder’s laughing up a storm as he ran with me across the inside of some large warehouse. Both of us were dressed the same, black pants, black leather jackets, along with black shirts.
I had no idea where any of this was coming from. Then again, I was dreaming, so maybe I made this all up in my head. But that was me, maybe the hair was off, but the face wasn’t. I don’t think I ever dyed my hair that color; I’d always been a natural blonde, with no red. Well, now I was helping nature to stay that color. Not the point.
“Brian!” the skinny blonde kid cried as he let the younger me down. He handed that me a small video camera. “I got an idea, I gotta film you.”
“Ain’t this that camera Howie got from MTV?”
“I borrowed it.”
“You mean stole it.”
“Come on! Go over there, and we’ll act like I’m a spaceship coming at ya.”
“Alright Nick, that’s enough…” Another man, shorter than myself and that blonde kid named Nick, said as he came over. He was Latino, with slicked back hair and a trimmed goatee.
I leaned into the frame, wanting to get closer to the image. To figure this out. Before I could, the scene changed again. It was suddenly a blur; it reminded me of when you look out the window on a speeding bus watching everything you’re passing by. Then, it stopped, like someone pressed the play button. This time, I was standing in a circle. I couldn’t be any older than eighteen. The reason why I knew that? Well I couldn’t have looked any more country. I was wearing flannel, these tight jeans, and cowboy boots. My hair was fluffed up in what I used to think was cool. My cousin, Scott, was beside me, looking stern. He always looked that way. On the other side of me was a younger version of that tall lanky kid Nick. Only now, now he was shorter than me. He couldn’t have been any older than ten, looking scrawny and a bit nerdy himself. There was the Latino guy too, looking younger. Beside him, was another kid, really skinny, wearing sunglasses, and trying to act about five years older than he was.
We started singing. It was an old Temptations song we sang, “My Girl.” But here’s what was crazy, when we started singing, we sounded good. Like when we sang together, it became something special. I felt myself sigh, just watching, feeling wistful for something I never experienced.
Odd ain’t it?
“See what you’re missing?” I turned. It was that woman again, her golden hair curly and framing her face. She wore a white dress now, silky and modest.
“What do you mean?” I asked, feeling confused as ever. I wish someone could clue me in. I’m really tired of not knowing. I don’t even care anymore if I like the answers. I simply want them.
“You have to figure that out. I wish I could tell you.”
I motioned towards the frame, still seeing the four others plus myself, singing happily. That younger me was so wrapped up in the moment. Like there was nothing better. I always liked music, but it never went anywhere. I never made an effort for it to. But seeing that, I could feel the deep regret at that one little fact. It was what could’ve been, what I could’ve loved doing. It looked fun.
“What is all that?”
“Don’t you know? You should, oh Brian you should. That right there, is everything.”
“I…” I didn’t know what to say. What to do. None of this made sense, and I was really about to chalk it up as something my brain conjured up because my body had gone into shutdown mode.
“Can’t you see?” She came up to me, touching my face with the gentlest manner. Her blue eyes, so beautiful to me, were filled with despair. Once again I had the urge to hold on my arms, hold her tight and never let go.
She whispered in my ear. “Brian… Can’t you see?”
“You see?” A male voice said this time as bright lights blinded me. White. Nothing but white. “It was a panic attack. I’m not quite sure what brought this on, but it sounds like it was severe, Miss Contrella.”
“It looks like he’s waking up.” I could hear her say excitedly as my vision came into focus. I blinked a bit, trying to adjust.
Three very important things came instantly to my attention. I was in a hospital gown. I was staring up at Dr. Woo, and Carlie was looking at me with the strangest expression. Dr. Woo wasn’t Asian, which was weird given the name. When I first went to him for a checkup, that was what I expected. Instead, I got a tanned guy with shaggy blonde hair, blue eyes, and looked like he belonged in California. Not that I was all that sure that’s what people in California looked like, but they did on TV anyway.
Oddly, he reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Oh well.
“Brendan?”
I felt myself smile. She’s just so pretty. I couldn’t help it, really. And of course when I’m staring at a pretty girl, I always ended up at my old fallback. Even when I’m practically naked under a hospital gown, and probably looked pretty crappy.
“Am I still dreaming? No way can I be awake and have an angel staring down at me.” Give a really cheesy pick up line, and hope it’s corny enough to make her laugh.
She giggled, and I watched her nose scrunch up. This wasn’t exactly how I planned our date to go. It’s like fate is against this or something. Something’s gone wrong every time we tried. “You’re such a cornball.” Her lips came to my forehead, a sweet friendly kiss. “But I’m glad you’re okay.”
I grinned widely. “If I wasn’t feeling good before, I do now.”
Dr. Woo watched me carefully as I sat up slowly. It wasn’t that I was sore; I was just really self conscious of flashing poor Carlie accidentally. I don’t think either one of us can take any more awkward moments today. He tugged the top of my gown down, brought the stethoscope up to my chest, and listened carefully. He must’ve been worried about heart problems too.
“Everything sounds okay.” He remarked after a few minutes. I sigh. The last thing I needed was more heart problems. I felt like I’ve had enough to last a lifetime thank you very much. A hole in the heart is one thing, anything after that could lead to say, open heart surgery. It’s a big fear of mine. That and heights.
Heights just freaked me out. Maybe God knew that and that’s why I’m not all that tall.
“Any dizziness, shortness of breath…?”
I shook my head. I felt fine now, really, which was odd. That last one was really bad and I had no idea what brought it on when I seemed okay before. I mean, I was prone to panic attacks, but none of them had been anything close to that bad. I had been thinking it may have just been physical. But clearly, that’s not it now.
“Is this the first time you’ve had an anxiety attack?”
I shook my head. “No, they’ve been happening recently.”
He nodded, jotting down something on his clipboard. I know I lost my happy expression. Note taking and doctors didn’t mean happy endings, generally speaking. Just my experience.
“Alright, well I’m gonna recommend you see the local psychologist, Dr. Woo.”
I raised a brow. “Dr. Woo?”
He grinned. “My wife.” Oddly, I glanced at my own bare hand, as if there should be a ring. Of course, there wasn’t. “She’ll see if we can’t find the source to this.”
I couldn’t help but smile a bit as I nodded. Maybe now, I could get some answers. I felt Carlie squeeze my hand encouragingly. The dreams I had came to mind, but I shoved them aside. The psychologist could help me figure out why I was making up all these random things. For now, I decided not to worry. Despite everything, the day seemed to suddenly get a whole lot brighter.
Life was weird that way.
