Call me crazy, but everything felt wrong.
I don’t know, the guys always said I watched way too many movies and TV. But ya know, my spidey senses were a-tingling. I just felt like Brian was lost out there somewhere and needed my help more than ever. Fuck. Maybe I was crazy, I sounded that way. Wait, do crazy people even think they’re crazy? I think someone told me crazy people think they’re sane…
Sidetracking. Sorry!
If I was crazy, it wasn’t exactly breaking news ya know. I say that too much. I blame Howie. Don’t know why, but I do. He’s always been really easy to blame. Who needed a reason?
I really should try to focus.
Dobby was nipping at my heels as I made my way back to my laptop. I got comfortable on my couch, and started surfing the net yet again. I made the search daily. It boggled my mind the way Brian had become somewhat of an urban legend. We weren’t even that popular in the world anymore, not the way we used to be. It made me sick to know Brian got us back in the public eye. Suddenly the last two albums made incredibly shocking jumps up into Billboard’s Top 100 about a week ago. Last I checked, This Is Us was at number twenty five, while Unbreakable sat at fifteen.
Jive about had a field day. They wanted us back now, you know. Even though we’d just hooked up with Universal. The whole damn thing was disgusting. My best friend having gone missing, was able to sell records. It got us all over the media. It got us splashed over every tabloid you could name. Backstreet Boys were suddenly cool to talk about again. It was shit we’d been wanting since Black and Blue and our hiatus that followed.
And did anyone really care?
No. Instead the media was all focused on the sales, the conspiracy theories.
No one really gave a damn about actually finding Brian.
See, that’s what’s wrong with the world. It was all about hype, this fakeness that seemed to seep into everything. While people cared about the “legend” of a Backstreet Boy gone MIA, I actually wanted to have him back. I needed my best friend, the fellas needed him, Baylee needed his father, Jackie and Harold needed their son.
The fellas kept telling me I was obsessing. So what if I spent my time trying to find hints of where he went? Personally, I think that’s what they should be doing. But they’re not, and Kevin, AJ and Howie thought I was losing it. I love the guys; they’re my brothers in the way it counts. You’d think they’d see that that’s why I’d been trying so hard. Time passed by without meaning these days anyway. We weren’t going to go on without Brian. I thought about the whole solo thing, but it felt like I was giving up on the group anytime I considered it.
I knew that wasn’t true, I guess. It was that that in my head, it felt true.
The days morphed into weeks, and the weeks became months, I don’t know, I felt trapped. I don’t know if I can explain it. I didn’t want to try and move on, especially musically. It felt like I just, tossed him aside. So I kept at my search, in hopes that someday, someday, I could find a way to bring Baylee back his father.
Baylee, it hurt to think of him. He wasn’t coping too well. In fact he was due to come by today but he hadn’t for some reason just yet. I’m worried about him. But what could I expect, given what he’d been forced to deal with? His mother is dead. And as his father fought to recover, he completely vanished on the weekend he was visiting his grandparents. There was just so much that was unfair, about all of it.
Life’s never been fair though.
The doorbell rang as I clicked on a new website that came up in my Google search. Google was my friend. Stretching, I stood and made my way at the door. Dobby followed, whining as he did for his daily walk. I knew I was neglecting him, that I wasn’t doing I should be. It was just; I felt distanced from everything the longer Brian was gone. I patted him on the head before opening the door.
I gotta take him for a run later.
“You called us over?” AJ asked, and I was forced back to reality. He stood there looking at me with that same weird expression. Howie and Kevin stood behind him. Kevin shook his head sadly; Howie seemed to be busy with his iPhone. I stared at them a moment, and then it clicked. I had called them earlier. I nodded and stepped back so they could come in. Dobby barked happily, wiggling excitedly at the fact more people were here to pet on him. I walked to my living room and sat, watching them.
“Nick?” Kevin said, raising one of his giant eyebrows at me.
“Look, it’s about Brian…”
“Fuck, not this again!”’
“Hey, I thought we agreed we’d try to move on. The police said there was no signs of him being taken, none of a struggle…”
“Are you kidding me? You’re going to believe them, people who don’t even know Brian?! It’s only been two months-“
“-Almost three…” Howie interjected.
“…And you’re ready to move on and pretend he’s gone on vacation!”
“We know how you feel…”
“Do you Kevin? You’d think since he’s your flesh and blood, your fucking family, you’d give more of a damn. Have y’all been checking in on Baylee? Do you see what this is doing to him?!”
“You…need to think about what you’re saying Nick.”
“Really Howie? Why? You guys think I’m crazy, and me? I think you’re wanting to believe the cops cause it’s easier than trying to believe the truth! That Brian’s God-Knows-Where and that something’s wrong! You can’t just leave it to me. I need to know what happened. I care enough to know what happened. I thought you guys would too.”
I was met with silence.
Rage fueled me easily right then. It was just so frustrating. It was no more their fault than mine, and deep down, I knew that. It just felt easier to unleash on them, for not understanding. It was wrong, sure. I knew I would be feeling incredibly shitty about this later. They didn’t deserve it at all. A situation like this, it never brought people together.
It usually tore them apart.
At that moment, Kevin’s eyes met mine. The vein along his temple was pulsating, his jaw clenched. I once knew this expression really well from my teenager days in the group. It was easy to see that it was all he had to keep himself from lunging at me. I knew I went too far. And the kicker? I didn’t care. I needed to make them see that we couldn’t give up on him. No matter what the “evidence” said.
I knew once we gave up, Brian would be lost. It was just a feeling that gnawed at me from within, one that refused to leave me alone in peace.
“Nick! Your fucking dog is peeing on my fucking leg!”
You could always count on AJ to ease the tension too.
****
Christmas.
It didn’t feel like Christmas. I had the tree up (with no presents underneath cause Dobby keeps marking it as his), and I didn’t feel like dealing with my dysfunctional family this year. Normally, I always went to Kevin’s, or Brian’s, for their big family get-together. They’ve considered me one of them for years, I’d always been lucky to have them when my own family was a mess.
This year, I spent the morning alone. Things were still a bit rough with Kevin. AJ was still mad at me for what I’d said last week. Howie said I was welcome, but it was James’ first Christmas, and I knew deep down Howie wanted it to just be the three of them. And I understood that. So Lauren spent the night at my place. The morning was spent with the two of us, her dog Igby, and Dobby, all under the tree unwrapping the presents.
I wondered what Brian was doing, if he knew everyone he loved missed him.
She was making a small version of Christmas dinner in the kitchen, humming to herself. I wished I could have her cheer, even though I knew part of it was for my sake. I leaned across the counter, watching her booty shake to the tune she was singing.
That was when I got the phone call.
“Hello?” Lauren answered, she was closer. That, and I was once again surfing the net through my Blackberry. No new sightings since the last time I checked.
Damn.
“Nick?” Her hand rested on her shoulder, and instinctively laid my head down on it, almost nuzzling it. She’d been so understanding. I knew I’d been acting a bit weird, even for my standards. Yet she supported me, tried to be there even when she couldn’t understand.
I took the phone, placing it to my ear.
“Uncle Nick…”
It was Baylee.
“Hey kiddo. What’s up?”
I could hear him trying to choke down the sobs, and my heart snapped right then and there. How could anyone believe Brian would knowingly do this to him? Baylee had once been his world. Lauren kissed my cheek, smiled that beautiful smile, and went back to her cooking. I walked over and plopped in my couch, once again thankful for the girlfriend I didn’t deserve.
He sniffled, and I swallowed hard.
“I just miss them. Grandma and Grandpa are here…but it’s just, not the same.”
“I know little man…” I said, using the old term of endearment Kevin once loved to use with me. “Hey, why don’t I come up there in a few days?”
I knew I could check out Brian’s house again; maybe look for things that I missed before when the police were doing their so called “investigation”. And most importantly, Baylee needed me. He needed a connection to the time before the accident, and with the rest of us out in LA, it made everything harder, I realized.
“…come up here?” He asked, and I could tell that while I’d been mulling over what I’d just said, he’d been crying again. “Really?” His voice lifted.
“Yeah, and maybe we could, visit your mom.” One thing I disagreed with the Jackie on, was the idea Baylee shouldn’t be visiting his mother’s grave. It’s hard, but since that’s the one thing he can understand, I thought he should visit.
“I wish they were here.” A pause. “Why did God do this?”
I’ve never been a religious sort of man. The most I’ve ever been was going to church on holidays with Brian. Usually it was on tour, when Leighanne was back at home with Baylee. I’m more what you’d call “spiritual”? I know something created us, put us here, I always thought there was a purpose, even in my darker, fucked up days. But I don’t know if I ever brought any of the stories in the Bible – not that I’d ever told Brian that.
“It’s…it’s just not fair. Why did mom have to die? Where’s my dad, why did he have to go too?! It’s Christmas, and all I wished for, was for them to be here Uncle Nick. For dad to come home, for mom to be alive again. “
He started crying again, even harder. I felt a solitary tear of my own start to slowly trickle down my cheek. I sighed. Dobby hopped up on the couch, burying his nose against my chest. I rubbed his body soothing; the action comforted me only slightly. I wished more than anything, that I had the answers for him. And somehow, someway, I knew I was going to have to be the one to find them.
“Why would God take them away?”
“I don’t know Baylee…I just don’t know.”
