It’s amazing how much bad shit ages you.
I felt like I was fifty, rather than thirty.
It wasn’t easy for me, walking along the grassy fields with Baylee’s hand held tightly in mine. I noticed how much smaller it was, how fragile. I forgot sometimes just how damn young the kid actually is. Shit, he’s too young to be dealing with all this. No wonder he called me just a week before. I smiled down at him, tousling those curls Leighanne used to always fuss over. Jackie and Harold had just cut it, I could tell. Leighanne and I weren’t exactly best friends, but we learned how to be friends anyway.
One of the long standing running jokes was her “swear jar” that she would follow me around with on tour. Leighanne knew that drove me crazy so she’d shake it and get me to drop money in it anytime I cursed. And shit, I cursed more just because I knew it drove her crazy. It made us laugh, the play fights that always came with that. Another one was her son’s hair; I used to always tell her that Baylee should just be in a rock band so that she’d never have to cut it. She hated the idea of cutting the poor kids hair. She used to moan anytime Brian finally got her to do it. Poor Baylee would start sulking about how he looked “like a girl” till finally his dad got her to cave and take him to the stylist.
I bet anything Baylee would have his hair go down to the floor if it meant having her back.
“You okay?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
He shook his head, and turned away from me. His body shook as the silent tears started once again. I was amazed he had any left. But then again, death doesn’t feel real till you’re there visiting the grave. Staring at the ground, knowing they’re underneath. Leighanne would never tease me about shaving my head again. She wouldn’t be able to see Baylee do anymore plays. She wouldn’t be calling out for “Husband”. Her smile, her laugh, her overprotective nature with her son, all of that was gone for good. And Baylee was only eight years old, far too young to lose his mom.
She’d never be able to see him grow up.
“I miss her so much.”
“Me too, Bay, me too.”
“Do you believe she’s in Heaven?”
I swallowed hard, forced back my initial response of I don’t know, because he didn’t need or want to hear that right then. I had to be the rock for him. “I think she is. She’s watching you little man, and she wants you and your dad to be happy.”
“Where is daddy, Uncle Nick?”
I sat down beside the grave, immediately pulling Baylee down into my lap. No words were said, I think we both needed the silence. He reached out and touched the tombstone. It was a simple, gentle, yet loving touch. Like he was trying to touch his mother one last time. I stared at it myself, reading the words I’d seen before. There was a bouquet there. In honor of both her and Brian, I had a flower service deliver them weekly. I read the works written on the stone, words I read many times by now. Still, it hit me again like I’d never seen them before.
July 20th, 1969 – September 2nd, 2010
Loving Wife and Mother
“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.
Death cannot kill what never dies”
I never answered his question about Brian. How could I?
The sun began to sat, but I knew Baylee didn’t want to leave just yet. I just held him in my arms, as he cried silently. I didn’t acknowledge the tears that came from him, because they only appeared when his back was to me. Baylee wanted to be strong. He didn’t need to be, but I knew I needed to let him think he was. The whole thing sucked. Too many people were trying to protect him, to shield him. But you couldn’t keep him from this kind of pain.
The only thing anyone could do, was to embrace it with him.
****
After I dropped Baylee back off with Jackie and Harold, there was another place I had to go. I drove all night, speeding recklessly I’m sure. I didn’t care much. It wouldn’t be the first time if I got stuck with a damn speeding ticket.
Dawn was breaking as I walked up to Brian’s cozy home in Marietta, Georgia. And you know what’s crazy? For a moment, a half insane part of me expected him to be there when I opened the door. It wasn’t an over the top, large, celebrity mansion. It was a comfortable, spacious, ranch house. Basically, it was Brian made into architecture.
I used my key to get in; the emptiness greeted me like an old buddy.
I stepped through carefully; it was like Brian never left. Stuff left over from their final anniversary together was still on the coffee table, flowers long since wilted had fallen on the floor. It felt like I walked into a shrine. I hadn’t been here since the investigators had swept through the place. I’d been too out of it, too stunned at everything that happened to pay attention when they did it. Not that they did any good or anything.
Memories flashed before me. How many times did I stop by here? How many years had we been friends? I remembered when he bought the place, just before the wedding. He’d been so proud of it, wanting to surprise Leighanne. It felt like it happened centuries before. Almost like it wasn’t real anymore, that it had only been a dream. With a sigh I walked up the stairs, glancing idly at the pictures hung proudly on the walls. None of the record plaques were up; those were all down in Brian’s private studio in the basement.
Instead, these were pictures of him with his family, with us. There were so many from past tours, some with me or the others, some with Leighanne and Baylee. A few were random, like Brian sitting atop this huge damn rooster statue he’d come upon in front of a restaurant. We couldn’t stop laughing at him.
“Look at you, mounting that huge cock! And we wonder why the media thinks we’re gay.”
“This is awesome, take a picture Nick so I can hang it on my wall…”
“You’d never put this up.”
“Me on top of this giant cock? I will, watch me!”
“That doesn’t sound very Christian Bri…”
“Ha ha ha. Now take that picture!”
I smiled to myself as I reminisced. A sound caused me to pause. It sounded like footsteps, maybe from downstairs. I could’ve been hearing things, but I could’ve sworn there was another person in the place. That was impossible though. We didn’t even have the housekeeper stop by anymore. None of us saw the point of letting Brian’s accountant pay her when there was no one living there. Actually, they fought me on the idea of letting the guy paying the utility bills for the same reason, but I knew I’d come back to try and find a sign. We knew Brian better than anyone. It wasn’t going to be cops who found him; it was going to be us.
Or, ya know, me finding a sign and then hiring a private investigator to find him once I could point him in some kind of direction. All comes down to the same thing.
When I didn’t hear anything, I continued up the stairs. I passed by Baylee’s room, the guest room, the room Leighanne used to use to make her Wylee stuff in, and made a beeline for the room that was once Leighanne and Brian’s. It looked different than the way it used to. All of Leighanne’s things had been put aside in boxes. After Brian started recovering from the accident, he’d withdrawn, stopped talking to any of us. Kneeling down, I pulled one of the boxes over to me. I hadn’t known that he’d been doing this though; I would’ve helped him – if he had let me. I couldn’t even begin to imagine all the shit he’d been dealing with. And now who knows what happened to him.
“He did this right before he vanished.” A slow southern drawl said from the corner of the room. I jumped with surprise but didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. I still felt bad for the way I talked to him the last time we’d met up. He hadn’t deserved the way I’d treated him. None of them had. Kevin just had a way of making you feel even shittier. It’s always been a gift of his.
“Why are you here?” I asked, sifting through the boxes a bit. You never knew what could be important, what might’ve been missed.
“You’re not the only one who comes to visit and check on Baylee. Aunt Jackie said you were going to be here. I came because well, thought about what you said.”
My brow quirked as I turned towards him. Kevin, admitting I might be right. “No, seriously.”
His lips twitched, I knew he was trying not to smirk. “I mean it.”
“Yeah?”
“You had a point; it’s easier to think Brian left on his own than to think something happened.” He ran a hand through his hair. Kevin was always the big brother, the surrogate father when mine kept on failing throughout my life. Even after he left the group, he never stepped away from that role. Seeing him so strained like that, so tired and worn, with the lines deepened around his eyes, it had a weird affect on me that day.
“So you think I might be right.”
“He wouldn’t just abandon Baylee, anymore than I’d abandon Mason.”
I smiled. Finally, someone didn’t think I was crazy or naïve.
“We may not find any answers.”
“But you wanna help me try.”
He nodded as I stood and hugged him. I felt him ruffle my hair in that way I always hated, and sighed. Kevin smiled down at me, in that fatherly way. He always understood me, maybe it was the irony. He was the youngest in his family, oldest in the group, and me being the opposite. I pulled away, and slowly went back to what I was doing. I saw Kevin pull one of the other boxes. As I was sifting through, the silence was slowly killing me. I’ve always hated quiet, hated it. I blame the whole ADHD thing.
“I’m sorry I was an ass.” Also, I felt extremely guilty. Stupid conscience.
“It’s okay, I’m used to it.”
I laughed. “Gee thanks.”
“So what are we looking for, do you know?”
“I have no idea.”
“Do you ever?”
“Funny! We’ll know it when I see it… I think.”
What we needed, was a sign. Anything. Something to give me a trail to follow. Something to help me believe that I’d been right this whole time. I never would’ve admitted it to anyone, but as the days went by, I found myself faltering. I found myself wondering what I’d do even if I did find something. I was a Backstreet Boy for Christ’s sakes, what the hell did I know about helping anyone? And what if it was too late? It’d been two months as it was.
If nothing came, if nothing was found, eventually even I’d give up.
If that happened, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to look Baylee in the eye ever again.
“Hey Nick…” Kevin called, after a few hours of carefully examining the room had passed. Both of us were getting tired by that point. Not to mention, I was freaking starving.
“Yeah?”
“I think I found something.”
