"I GOTTA PEE LIKE SO BAD!" Nick was hopping from foot to foot, hands cupping his crotch like a 3 year old. "THERE'S GOTTA BE A GAS STATION!!!"
For the hundredth time it seemed since Nick had started whining about the bathroom - like ten minutes ago - Tim, the tour bus driver du jour, pointed at the monitor of the navigator system. "Not for another fifteen miles. You can hold it, can't you?"
"NO ACTUALLY," Nick yelled, "Maybe I should just whizz out the window."
"Nick, gross," Brian looked up from the book he'd been reading at the little table. He'd been ignoring Nick pretty well until this point. Nick turned and shrugged, "You can't pee out the window, that's sick. It'll get all over the bus."
"Then maybe," Nick said pointedly, "We should find a fucking bathroom," he looked at Tim.
Tim rolled his eyes in the rearview mirror at Nick, "For the millionth time, there is no bathroom for another fifteen miles. Unless you wanna piss in the woods..."
Nick frowned, "I'm not a dog! I'm a singer! I'm a pop star actually! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
Brian raised an eyebrow, "Really, Nick? Really?"
"I gotta peeeeeeeeee," he whined, "I ain't thinkin' straight."
AJ overheard the last sentence as he came trotting out from the living area and opened the fridge, pulling out two bottles of water. "Now that wouldn't be a problem, would it, if it wasn't for some people who had to run into the toilet."
"I didn't on purpose!" Nick yelped.
AJ snorted.
"Besides," Nick retorted, "Who threw the fuckin' football!?"
AJ laughed, "Who can't catch for shit?"
Howie appeared at AJ's elbow, "Okay ladies, stop acting like an old married couple bickering and give me my water." He snagged one of the bottles from AJ. He looked at Nick, his hands still cupping his crotch as he toggled himself foot-to-foot. "Why the hell are you molesting yourself?"
"COS I GOTTA PEE!!!" Nick yelled.
AJ squinted at Nick's hands. "And squeezing your ding dong helps you with that?"
"Leave me alone, I need to pee."
"And what're you gonna do if I don't leave you alone? Try to catch a football in front of me like you did to the poor toilet?"
Howie glanced at Nick, "What? You said you slipped."
Nick's face turned red. "I did slip. I slipped...trying to catch a football."
Brian laughed.
"Ugh." Howie threw his hands in the air, "Ay Dios muy." He took a long swig of the water and turned and walked back to the living area.
Nick looked at AJ, "And you... You. What am I gonna do? I'll.. I'll.. I'll pee on you!" he threatened.
AJ laughed, "Kinky, Carter."
"What?" Nick looked confused.
AJ snorted and shook his head, waving his hand dismissively, "I am so not explaining what that means. If you have to ask then you'll just have to look it up on the Internet or something..." he turned and headed back to the living area, too, following Howie.
Nick looked at Brian, "What the fuck is he talking about?"
Brian's cheeks were red. "He was being perverted."
"About pee?" Nick asked, shocked, "What the hell?! Is there anything AJ can't make pervy?"
"AJ? Probably not," Brian answered, "Course you're like AJ's mini-me so don't even start pretending you aren't a pervy boy, too," he added.
Nick frowned and continued his haphazard dancing and crotch squeezing until he felt like he couldn't take anymore. Images of rivers and brooks and faucets and Mountain Dew went through his mind. "OKAY!!!!" he bellowed suddenly, "I'LL PISS IN THE WOODS!! STOP THE BUS!!!!!!!"
Tim pulled the bus over and opened the door.
When the bus came to a stop, AJ,Howie and Brian followed Nick as he bolted off the bus, almost tripping on the steps and into the darkness off the side of the road. He was undoing his fly before he even hit the trees, and disappeared among them into the darkness. AJ stretched his shoulders. "This is the ride from hell," he commented.
"I gotta pee too, actually," Howie said, starting towards the woods.
Suddenly, there came a ferociously loud screech that echoed through the night. Howie stopped dead in his tracks. "What the shit was that?" AJ asked, backing toward the doors of the bus.
Loud sounds of rustling brush and breaking twigs came from before them. "Nick?" called Brian, a waver to his voice.
Nick came bounding out of the trees, his jeans around his ankles, his hands still in his boxers from tucking himself away, his eyes wide and face panicked. "RUN FOR THE HILLS!! ITS FUCKING SASQUATCH!!" he bellowed, tripping on his own pants, and falling across the grass like a mighty oak being felled.
AJ burst into laughter so hard that he began tearing up as Howie and Brian ran to go help Nick up.
"NO! FOR SERIOUS!! RUN!!" Nick squeaked, winded.
Howie grabbed at Nick's wrist, just as a skunk came poking out from the bottom of the bushes only a couple feet away, where Nick had just come from, tail held a loft. Howie froze. Brian did, too, several feet away.
"Oh Jesus," Howie muttered.
The skunk studied them a moment.
Howie dropped Nick's hand instantly and bolted. Nick scrambled to his knees, his pants falling off his feet and he abandoned them on the grass, running for the bus. As they passed Brian, Brian, too, turned on his heels and ran away. The jeans lay there a couple inches from the skunk, who was slowly rotating to aim...
AJ was in tears still, doubled over laughing. "Fucking Sasquatch," he giggled.
The bus door closed.
That he heard. AJ looked over at the bus, then back at the skunk and realized he was all alone and.....
Nick, Howie and Brian saw it all from the window.
Nick looked toward the driver's seat to their left. "Hey Tim? Where's the next grocery store? We're gonna need some V8."
