It was noon, Nick was still sleeping. I hoped that he would sleep all day, so I wouldn’t have to have that conversation with him. I sat on the couch worrying myself stupid about talking with Nick

I loved Nick a lot. More than I have loved any guy in my life. I don’t know why I didn’t want to sleep with him. I was ready to take our relationship to a higher level of intimacy, but I just wasn’t able to have sex. Maybe Kevin was right, I needed help.

“Afternoon Emmers.” Nick entered the living room.

“I didn’t know you were up.”

“I’ve been up for about forty five minutes. Got a shower and came down here.”

“Oh.” I commented. I shifted nervously on the couch.

“Are you okay? You seem antsy.”

“I’m fine.” I looked out the window. There was no way I could look in his deep blue eyes. He would know exactly what was going on in my head.

“Are you sure? Let’s go sit on the beach. I think it’s time we talk.”

---------------------------

I stared at the waves moving in the ocean. Neither Nick nor I had said a word in twenty minutes. How does one start this type of question? I was naive when it came sex and relationships.

“So...umm.”

“Why is this so awkward for you?” Nick placed my hand in his.

“I don’t know. I’ve never had a relationship. This is all new to me.”

“I think you’ve done wonderful so far in the relationship department. You are everything I want and more. I want to make sweet love to you and show you another way that I love you.”

“I know that Nick. I want that, too. Believe me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I answered lamely.

“Emma has anyone ever asked you to have sex with them?”

“Yes.”

“What made you say no to them?” He questioned. I turned to look at him.

“Well in high school, I just wasn’t ready. As I got older, I didn’t want to sleep with someone just because he took me to a fancy restaurant. I don’t believe in casual sex. I never pictured me sleeping with someone just so I could have sex.”

“I understand that. Casual sex isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Believe most one night stands leave you feeling totally empty in the morning.”

It was interesting to see how opposite Nick and I truly were. He had the experience of about twenty guys. I had no experience.

“How do you feel when we kiss?” He asked me with a smile.

“I feel wonderful and special. I feel loved and adored.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Does it turn you on?”

“Yes, more than you ever know.” I giggled. I felt like a school girl.

“Do you want to make love to me?”

“Yes, I do. I love you Nick. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

“So, you want to, but you can’t.” He tried to make sense of the conversation.

“I think that sums it up. I want to make love to you, but we get close to the moment I freeze up.”

“Does it scare you?” He didn’t like being the psychologist of the relationship. He just wanted to make love to his girlfriend.

“What the act of making love or the emotional connection?”

“Either or both. I don’t know. You tell me.” He was starting to get frustrated with me. I could see the scowl starting to appear.

I thought about my answer. I wasn’t really sure, and I knew Nick wanted an answer.

“Nick, I don’t really know. I know that I like the way it feels when you touch me. So, I guess it’s not the physical act. I love you and trust you, so I don’t really know if it’s emotional. I don’t think I really know for sure.”

“You’re not making any sense. I don’t think you’re being honest with me.”

“Why would I lie to you?”

“I don’t know.” He raised his voice slightly. “I’ve never had a girl turn me down as much as you do. Even when I’ve had to wait it’s never been this long.”

“I’m sorry I’m not like all the tramps you’ve slept with. I can’t change who I am to please you.”

“I’m not asking you to change. I just want to share an intimate moment with you.”

“There are other ways to be intimate.” I placed my head between my knees.

“Name me three other ways.”

I thought about it for a few minutes. Nothing came to mind.

“Fine, Nick. I can’t come up with any. We’ve done everything except have sex. I’m sorry that I’m not ready. I can’t force myself to just do it.”

“Whatever. You make me so horny; I can’t take it some days.” He took my hand and placed it on his hard on.

“Well then you better take a cold shower.” I quickly removed my hand.

“You’re acting like a bitch. I can’t believe this. I just wanted to show you what you do to me.”

“I know what I do to you. I know what you do to me. I’m sorry that I can’t give you the one thing you want.” I bellowed.

“Are we ever going to make love?”

“Yes Nick. I’m so close. I really am. I know you don’t believe it. Everyday brings me closer, but when you harp on it, I shut down. I need time. If you love me, you’ll give me time.”

“How can you act like I don’t love you? I love you more than I have loved anyone else in my life.”

“Then give me the time that I need without the pressure.”

“Fine. I’m going to take a walk.” He got up and left me sitting on the blanket alone.

I knew that he was frustrated with me. I didn’t blame him. I wasn’t able to give him the answer he wanted to hear. I was being honest with him. I didn’t know what my problem was. I knew I needed to figure it out and quick. Having Nick mad at me sucked. I needed to do some soul searching.

.