We had so done it now. By the time we actually finished the show, nobody was talking to me or AJ. Howie was fed up with our behavior. Leighanne was disgusted by the whole 'chocolate sauce' thing; ergo, Brian was too. I sometimes missed the old 'single' Brian. He would have found delight in Rhoda being covered with chocolate sauce. I mean, I don't care that he's all Christian, he's still a boob man through and through.
Then of course we had all the girls on our staff mad at us. Dee tore into AJ something fierce. Lyndsey was right on her heels to lay into me.
"Rhoda's on the bus crying her eyes out because of you two jackasses," Dee spat.
"I've never seen the two of you act so...so...so...neanderthal-ly!" Lyndsey yelled. She didn't scare me; Dee did. Dee was so much better than Lyndsey at tearing us a new asshole.
"Moving on," Dee said coldly. "Here's the rules."
"The rules?" AJ asked. He was being more bold than I ever would have been. "Don't we pay you guys? Don't we get to make the rules?"
Dee stared him down. AJ only lasted a couple seconds; he stared down at the ground and swallowed hard.
"Okay," Dee said. "First off, I don't want either of you two within forty feet of Rhoda unless you're in wardrobe. Got it?"
We both nodded.
"Second, I want you both to write her an apology."
I looked up in horror. "Write?"
Writing wasn't my thing. Talking was my thing. Singing was my thing. But write?
"Write," Dee said. "You got a problem with that?"
She cracked her knuckles. I shook my head quickly.
"What's the third thing?" Lyndsey whispered to Dee. Dee glanced at her.
"I don't have a third thing," she whispered back. She put her hands on her hips.
"Do you guys have anything to say for yourselves?"
I glanced at AJ. I could tell that we were both waiting to see who would say I'm sorry first. The tension built.
"Sorry," I blurted.
"It was a fuckin' accident," AJ added.
Dee pointed at me. "You. You can go."
She turned to AJ. "You. You're not going anywhere."
I know I should have stayed and offered some support to my 'brah, but I just couldn't. Dee was badass. I ran to the bus as fast as possible.
I figured if I started my apology letter now that I'd have a finished copy in, oh, three weeks. Yeah, that's how bad I am at writing.
The bus was dark. I fumbled around for a small light. I didn't think anyone else was aboard, but as I searched for a notebook, I heard a loud moan.
Howie and Leigh were at it. Again.
I had to wonder if all the sex was making him grumpy. I know it wouldn't make me grumpy, but then again I never went into it with a purpose.
Leigh totally had a mission for Howie.
I tried to block out the panting and the thought of Howie's Latino ass riding up and down in the air. I found some paper underneath the orange juice in our little fridge (don't ask), grabbed a pen, and sank down on the couch.
I sucked my lower lip into my mouth and began to chew. My pen hovered over my paper. I think my problem with writing is that I just think too much.
So I decided not to think.
Dear Rhoda,
I'm real sorry about 2nite. It was bad what I said and AJ did. He shouldn't cover girls in chocolate syrup. That was real pigheaded. I was just trying to clean you off. I mean, I like dirty girls, but in a different context. Are you a dirty girl?
I stared at my first attempt. I figured I might be heading into dangerous territory with the whole 'dirty' thing. I crumpled the paper up and tossed it on the floor.
Dear Rhoda...
Dee hovered over me like a fucking evil Jedi, ready to strike. Lyndsey even ran off when Nick did, and I was left alone with the Queen Bitch. She glowered at me. "What the hell were you thinking?" she demanded the minute the door closed behind them.
I scowled. "I fucking told you it was a goddamned accident," I snarled.
"Yeah because it's usually an accident when a guy covers a woman in chocolate sauce," Dee retorted, rolling her eyes. "Why the hell are you boys so infatuated with Rhoda?" she added, "I mean, what the shit does Rhoda have that I don't have, for example?"
I looked Dee over.
"That wasn't an invitation to stare at my chest," she said pointedly, "I know my rack isn't as great as Rhoda's, you don't have to say it." Dee crossed her arms across her chest, "I don't mean literally me," she added.
I looked up at her without speaking.
Dee plowed on, "Obviously 'cos you and Fluffernutter there never pulled these games over me when I first started. Now seriously, are you going to apologize to Rhoda or what?"
"I don't get it," I snapped, "Nick fucking licked her the other day, and she's fine with it. Today he mops her up with a towel and she freaks the shit out? Besides, I didn't touch her. I was trying to spray chocolate sauce on Nick; Rhoda just happened to be there!"
"Why did you want to spray chocolate sauce at all?" she demanded, "That is so immature..."
"Nick CHEEZ JIZZED me!" I cried.
Dee just glared at me.
"Dee, baby," I said, the words tumbling out of my mouth faster than I was consciously thinking them, "You gotta help me out, please. I gotta know how to score with Rho. I can't lose this." She rolled her eyes and started to turn away, but I caught onto her wrist, my fingers wrapping around her hand. I dropped onto my knees and inched up to her, pressing my cheek against the flat plane of her abdomen, my arms wrapping around her and landing on her ass. She smelled like coconuts and raspberries. I hugged my face against her. "Please, Deanna," I begged, "Please help me beat Nick."
I could feel her eyes studying me.
After a long moment, she let out a sigh. "You're fucking blind," she muttered, her voice quavering ever so slightly. She pushed my face away roughly, disengaged herself from my hug, and stormed out of the room.
Blind? What?
When I dejectedly slipped onto the bus, I found Nick asleep at the table, a pad of paper under his cheek and a magic marker in his hand. He'd face-planted onto the table with half a letter written under his cheek. A couple discarded notes lay around, crumbled up into balls. A tiny pool of drool had formed under his gaping mouth. I grabbed the marker from under his hand and I bent down and wrote "I'm a horny dog" across his forehead. I recapped the marker, dropped it onto the table, and went to my bunk.
Blind? What the fuck was I blind about?
Dee was so full of bullshit. What right did she have to be so pissed off at us? And what was up everyone's ass lately?
I crawled into my bunk and pulled the curtain shut. I could hear Leigh giggling and whispering in Spanish to Howie. I closed my eyes.
Dee instantly popped into my mind.
I rolled over and stared at the wall. Fucking bitch is gonna haunt me, too? I thought irritably. I pulled the blanket up to my chin.
But Dee kept occupying my brain. I frowned.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was outside in the fucking freezing dark, knocking on the stylists' bus door. It took a couple minutes, but when the door creaked opened, a slightly drunk, slightly disheveled looking Dee stood in the flood of light coming from inside. Music was playing, loudly, and I could hear Lyndsey laughing somewhere in the background.
"What do you want?" Dee demanded.
I grabbed her hand and pulled her out into the parking lot so we were the same height. I dunno what made me do it. I guess I felt bad for her. She'd had so much rejection in her voice and she'd been so angry about Rhoda... I grabbed Dee, my hands cupping the back of her head, my fingers slipping through her hair, and I pulled her to me. My mouth covered hers and my tongue snaked out between her lips. She gasped, but didn't pull away. She melted into me, turning to putty in my hands.
After a long kiss, I drew back, my hands resting on her shoulders. I looked at her chest appraisingly. "You have a great rack," I stated plainly, "And someday you're gonna make some guy extremely lucky," I added.
And with that, I turned and went back to my bunk - hopefully free to have dirty dreams about Rhoda all night without the image of Dee interrupting.
