The last thing I remember are nipples. It was kind of like my life had gone full circle; my life was one big boob.
"Is he saying boob?"
"I dunno. If he's talking, that means he's not dead."
I wanted to open my eyes and tell people to stop worrying about me, but I couldn't. I couldn't breathe; freaking out wasn't helping anything. I felt liquid on my face, but I couldn't move.
That's when I totally blacked out.
When I came to, the dingy lights of the club were gone. In their place was annoying brightness trying to creep under my eyelids. And there wsa a beeping. A shitty-ass beeping.
"I've always said that no good can come out of strip clubs."
"This has nothing to do with the strip club. I've seen him rubbing his chest for a couple weeks now."
"I think we need to pray again."
Again? Where was I the first time?
Brian led the prayer. I wanted to be a jackass, sit up, and scream "HE'S HEAAAALED!" like one of those televangelists, but I couldn't. I was just so tired...
The next time I regained consciousness, there was a dead quiet punctuated only by occasional cries. The crying was too soft to be one of the guys. I figured it was probably Rhoda. I sighed. It was nice of her to visit me, but it wasn't who I really wanted. Even so, my chest felt lighter, like someone had taken the bricks off of it. I felt a warm hand cover mine.
"You're going to be okay. You've got to be okay," the voice whispered. I felt soft lips on my forehead.
The voice wasn't Rhoda's. I knew that voice. I knew it."
"Lauren?" My voice came out sounding all jacked up. I heard a creak; I got another kiss on my forehead.
"I'm here. I came the minute I heard. Damnit, if you wanted me back here you didn't have to do this."
I slowly opened my eyes. Sitting right by my side, like an angel, was Razzo. Er, Lauren. She was smiling down at me; her lanky legs curved underneath her.
"What happened?" I asked dumbly. The light flickered in her eyes.
"Your heart wasn't pumping normal. You passed out."
"You broke my heart," I said morosely. I looked up at her with puppy eyes.
"Not quite."
Her hand pressed against my stomach. I almost freakin' passed out again when my heart started beating faster. Go lower, babe...
"It's your eating habits. Your weight. Smoking. Drinking. Drugs."
I winced. "You know about the drugs?"
She didn't move her hand from my stomach, but she leaned forward so her nose was almost touching mine.
"My camera doesn't miss a thing."
She had the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen. They reminded me of the St. Pauli beer girl. Her hair reminded me of the Sun Maid Raisin girl. She smelled like the nutmeg that I associated with the Starbucks girl.
She was like all my true loves wrapped up in one tall, sexy package.
"Nick?"
"Hmm?"
"Why is your hand on my boob?"
Ha, I hadn't even realized I reached out and touched someone - more specifically her. I gave the right one a gentle squeeze.
"It must be a postramatic stress reflex," I said seriously. She grabbed my hands and held them.
"I have my work cut out for me don't I?" she asked.
I eyed her hopefully. "Are you going to be my Razzo again, Lauren?"
She smiled. "I think I might give up the stalker life for awhile," she said. "I think I'll put my fitness background into good use."
Before I could ask what type of fitness training she meant, she leaned over. I was prepared for another forehead kiss, but this time I got lip-on-lip.
It was a miracle.
"Well it's good to see all is right in the world again," Howie muttered as Nick picked mashed potato out of his spikey hair. Nick frowned and eyed his carrots. "Don't even think about it," D said in a warning tone.
My Monkey stuck her tongue out at him. Lauren covered his eyes. "Don't provoke him," she commanded.
"Yeah, don't provoke me," Nick added in a pouty voice.
"And you - eat your veggies instead of throwing them around at people."
"Yeah, Nick, eat your veggies," I chided.
"You too, McLean," Lauren demanded.
Nick looked at me. "I don't like having a nutritionist-slash-physical-trainer on tour anymore," he muttered.
"What was that?" Lauren asked, turning to look at him.
"He called you a fitness nazi," offered Lyndsey.
Lauren looked shocked, "You're evil."
"Who's evil?" Justin asked as he came in, carrying his camera, which was braced on his shoulder. He panned the room with the lens. "Wait. Let me guess." He zoomed the camera in on Nick.
"Ding, you just won one million dollars!" I cried.
Justin smirked, "I'll be waiting for the check."
Brian laughed, "Pay the man, Nicky."
"I don't pay in dollars, brother, I pay in kisses... Still want that million?"
"Uh no I'm good..." Justin laughed.
Lauren grabbed Nick's face. "I'll take the million..." And she promptly pressed their mouths together and pulled him closer.
"Okay I'm sick of all this damn PDA," Howie groaned.
"Just because some people only get to have sex when their women are ovulating..." I smirked. "Doesn't mean you get to deprive others."
It had been a week since Nick's incident at the strip club, and he'd been released by his doctor to continue the tour. We were eating dinner before the big show. The fans were already in the venue and we could hear the thundering sound of their chanting and the opening act playing. We'd shoved several long catering tables together to form a giant square and gathered around it. Howie, Leigh, Brian, Leighanne, Baylee, Nick, Lauren, me, Monkey, Rhoda, Justin, Lyndsey, Jenn, and some non-discript security dudes. It was like a messed up Thanksgiving of sorts. The whole family, all together.
I couldn't have been happier.
Nick looked sadly at the carrot on the end of his fork, then eyed me in a way to tell me that if Lauren wasn't sitting right there - and it would've meant no sex for him that night - he would've lobbed the carrot at me anyways, and shoved the thing into his mouth, making a face as he chewed it.
"Hey wait does this mean we can't make fatty jokes about Carter anymore?" I asked in a fake panicked voice.
"Hell YEAH thats what it means!" Nick shouted, suddenly excited, "Oh boy! This diet is worth it already!" He looked at Lauren eagerly. He grinned. "Can we have another work out right now?" he asked, smiling sweetly.
"You wanna go on the treadmill now?" Brian asked, incredulous, "We're about to go on stage. Isn't that work out enough for you?"
Nick looked stupified at Brian, then at Lauren, who smirked. "No c'mon you know what I was sayin..." he whimpered at her and she laughed and gently kissed his nose.
Justin checked his watch as the thunderous crowd started chanting (Backstreet Boys! Backstreet Boys! Backstreet Boys!). He laughed, "Well I better go set up..." he stood up, leaned over Rhoda.. and... and HE KISSED HER.
"WOAHHHHHH," Nick cried, "HOLLLLD UP!" Just about everyone (except me) looked at Nick with shocked or wondering eyes. Lauren raised an eyebrow... so did Justin. "Since the fuck when were you two a thing?" Nick asked, pointing Justin to Rhoda.
Rhoda turned red and smiled.
Justin stared at Nick, "Uh, since forever?"
My Monkey smirked, "What? You two didn't know Rhoda was engaged?"
"Rhoda's what?" I asked, my turn to be shocked.
"Engaged!" Rhoda grinned and held up her left hand. For the first time in all this fucking time, I noticed a diamond on her finger. I looked at Nick, whose jaw had hit the floor. All that fighting, I thought, and all that time she'd been freaking engaged?
Nick started laughing first, "Oh my God, I cheez-jizzed you for no fucking reason!"
Rhoda looked confused, "What?"
Rochelle laughed, "These two idiots have been killing each other all tour long trying to score with you," she said, tossing her thumb at me, then at Nick.
Rhoda laughed, "But they were so in love with you guys, it was so obvious they were, how is it possible they were after me?"
Ro shrugged. "They're horny bastards," she answered, kissing my cheek. Nick watched Ro kissing on me and looked at Lauren expectantly, puckering up his lips and she laughed and pecked him.
"Damn," Rhoda laughed.
"I'm full," Nick announced suddenly.
Lauren pointed at Nick's plate. "No sex if there's broccoli left over when you throw that away... Amazingly you weren't full until all the chicken was gone, only when there was a huge pile of broccoli there."
Nick pouted, "But it doesn't have cheese..."
I looked at Rochelle, "Do I not get Monkey sex unless I finish my broccoli too?"
"I'd say yes, but I know I'm gonna jump you the second we're alone anyway, so it would be more torture for me than it would be for you..." she laughed.
I growled under my breath and went for her neck.
"I'm so sick of PDA!" Howie cried.
Nick and I grinned.
