"We are in the middle of a damn show for crying out loud! You promised me this shit was over! You--"
"Hey Howie?"
We all looked at Brian. He had on his flannel shirt and his cross and he looked almost angelic.
"What?" Howie snapped.
"Wake up and smell the whiz-zes," Bri said.
He caught my eye. All of a sudden, I knew exactly what he was going to do. I hesitated for just a second until I realized that I was already a dead man.
I might as well go out with a bang, right?
Bri whipped a can of whiz out from behind his back. I still had mine tucked into my waistband. I pulled mine out and we let the whiz fly.
Howie was a quick little gringo, but he wasn't fast enough. His mouth opened to yell, but it was quickly filled with the best non-cheese cheese in the world. He sputtered. Long yellow strands that kind of looked like fish poop clung to his chin and dripped off his nose. Bri and I held down on to our nozzles until they began to spit nothing but air.
"Well, I'm on!" Bri said. He tossed his can on the ground, grabbed his guitar, and went out onstage to sing to the loud. And a million hot girls.
You have to love a career like ours.
Unfortunately, Bri going onstage left me backstage with Howie. Sometime during our 'whizzing jizzing' of Howie, AJ had disappeared.
"This is war Nick," Howie said. "You just wait. Your payback is going to be miserable." I watched him scrape yellow-orange goo out of his nostrils.
"Aw c'mon," I said. "You've been totally uptight lately."
"You two are making me uptight!"
I snorted. "You've known us how long? You should be used to it."
Howie sighed. "It's just time to grow up man."
I stared at the mess we had made. My ankle hurt from where I had miscalculated my jump over the amp.
"Well, if you'd just let me do my thing, the future Mrs. Carter might be right under our noses."
Howie snorted. "So you're going to marry Rhoda?"
Okay, here's the thing. Marriage scares me. Even the word 'marry' sends a little chill down my spine.
"Well, that might be a little hasty..."
D rolled his eyes. "I rest my case."
He disappeared into wardrobe for the next group change. I stood up and rubbed my heel. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw AJ strolling up. He was whistling.
He was way to happy for a guy that had just gotten cheese jizzed.
"Where were you?" I asked suspiciously.
"Me?" J said. "Nowhere."
He grinned. My eyes narrowed.
"Alexander James McLean, I swear---"
AJ ducked into wardrobe before I could finish.
"Whew, that was awesome!" Bri said. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. "Let's get changed, Nickers."
"Daddy!"
"Bay, come back here!"
The mop of blonde ran right into the back of Bri's legs. Bri scooped Bay up and grinned.
"It's okay, Leigh."
I watched Bay give him a kiss and whisper something into his ear.
"Aw, that is so cute."
So was the voice that sounded so close to my ear. I turned. Rhoda was watching Bri and Baylee with a sappy, girly expression written all over her face.
"Isn't it though?" I said. "I hope I have a son like that someday."
Okay, so that was a tiny lie. I didn't want kids. I worked hard to make sure that didn't happen; I kept Trojan in business.
"Aw, you would have beautiful kids!" Rhoda said. Bri set Baylee down and walked past me into wardrobe. I think he rolled his eyes, but I couldn't be sure. Leighanne gave me a dirty look and pushed Baylee along back to the side of the stage.
"Well, with the right woman," I said insinuatingly. Rhoda smiled.
"So--"
"NICK!"
I jumped. Bri stuck his head back out the door.
"COME ON!"
Rhoda took my hand. Score!
"C'mon. I'll make sure you have everything you need."
My eyes widened. Everything I needed?
Hot damn
"Uptight, my ass," Howie was muttering miserably. Nick was lingering by the curtain with Brian and Leighanne. I had made myself a little trip to the bus unbeknownst to anyone to get the Quik Milk chocolate syrup in attempts to hatch my plan. Howie wandered by me, mumbling to himself half in Espanol and half in English.
Howie was not the target. I let him pass.
I was even cordial enough to let Brian, Leighanne and Baylee - who probably would've loved the opportunity to get his mouth on sugar - get past.
Then I heard his footsteps and I lunged like an angry ape from behind the equipment storage boxes I was crouching by.
See, the plan was to cover Nick in chocolate sauce.
The plan was to get Nick all coated with a thick layer of drippy, gooey, sweet, delicious chocolate-ness.
The plan failed. Miserably.
I didn't even realize Rhoda was there until she shrieked.
Nick's face was fucking priceless, his jaw dropped, his eyes wide. I'd certainly managed to shock the fucking hellfire kittens out of his ass. Problem was, the Quik Chocolate sauce wasn't on him.
"What the HELL are you DOING?" Rhoda screamed, her voice squealy and high pitched. She dropped Nick's hand, which I realized with a pang of jealousy and anger she had been holding. Nick sputtered. The chocolate sauce drippled between Rhoda's breasts and clung in little pools to her cheeks and slid down her hair like oil. I had all I could do not to attack her and lick her clean.
"AJ what the fuck are you doing to my woman?" Nick snarled, evidently forgetting Rhoda was right there.
Rhoda looked at him, aghast, then looked at me.
Nick grabbed at one of the towels on the side of the stage. They were meant to be used when we were sweating, but he quickly turned and set to work trying to sponge Rhoda's breasts off. Not wanting to be left out of the fun, I quickly grabbed a bottle of water, uncapped it, and leaped forward, planning to pour it on her and help move the chocolate.
Rhoda, however, smacked us both away. "Get OFF me!" she shouted. Anger arose in her voice, "BOTH of you, get away from me!" With a few quick smacks to the air in front of her, she managed to knock the towel from Nick's grasp and the bottle of water from my hands. Rhoda turned and ran off.
Howie came up behind me. "Maybe I won't have to fire her after all..." he laughed, "After that pathetic display, she'll probably quit all on her own..."
I looked at Nick. "This is all your fault," I growled.
Nick looked at me like a wounded puppy, "How do you figure?" he demanded, "If you'd just back off and lemme have'er..."
"Are you fucking delusional?" I demanded.
"KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!!!" Howie screamed, "We'll figure all this bullshit out later, right now we have FANS that are waiting for us."
Brian scrambled by. He'd evidently overheard Howie's shouting and didn't want to get involved. He disappeared onto the stage. Howie glared at Nick and I, and Nick sighed. "Fine, let's go get this over with then," he muttered.
