I was pretty certain I was going insane.
I was back out on the street, my breath coming out in puffs of lingering smoke against the subzero weather. My fingers were numb and stiff, and my teeth were chattering, but there was only one way out once you got down to the train platforms, and I knew what I saw. There was no mistaking him.
“Dad?” I called, spinning around, looking in every direction, “Dad?”
“Watch out mister,” a kid called, running by pulling a sled with another kid on it. They disappeared into the park across the street.
“DAD?” I yelled again. The buildings loomed ominously around me, traffic sped by, honking horns in the distance seemed to play a melody of confusion. My nose ached. It suddenly occurred to me that there were probably a million Dads around in this area, so I tried a different approach. “Jerald? Jerald Richardson!”
Saying his name made the whole situation seem even more ridiculous. It made my heart ache. I was vividly reminded of my mother, calling his name through the house for weeks after his death… calling out offers for coffee or tuna fish sandwiches to the living room before remembering that his lounge chair was empty and would remain so. I remembered dialing the phone number and not remembering until I’d already asked for him that he was gone.
What was I thinking?
It’s not like there was a chance that he was alive and somehow alluded us for nineteen years. It’s not like there was any way that this man who I was frantically calling for was really my father. After all, my father was dead. I saw him die. We all did. We were in the room when his heart stopped. I was at the wake, I saw him in the pale blue suit and the white tie, sleeping peacefully on the satin that lined the casket. I heard the first clod of dirt hit the lid, and I’d left plenty of flowers and wreathes on the grave since.
But I know what I saw.
“Don’t be a fucking moron,” I muttered to myself. “Give up and go home. Or don’t. Nobody will fucking notice anyways…” I turned and shoved my fists into my pockets. “I’m apparently going insane… nobody needs me, nobody wants me… Everything’s just over. I should just fucking jump in the Charles and get it the hell over with… Do the fucking world a favor.”
I looked up at the dark sky. I could feel the cold freezing the tears that were filling my eyes. I felt worthless, like an old man sent to live at a nursing home because his family didn’t want him anymore. I lowered myself onto a bench by the tunnel to the subway. My throat closed up and the threat of a sob rested somewhere deep inside my gut, ready to burst out at any given moment.
It doesn’t matter if I even exist, I thought, I could disappear from the face of the earth right now, and nobody would be the wiser, nobody would give a fucking damn – not really. Maybe arbitrarily for a few minutes… a couple fans might wonder… but that’s about it. Nothing more would change. Nothing.
I’d never thought suicidal thoughts before… but maybe… just maybe…
I stood up, my mind racing a thousand miles an hour, trying to comprehend what I’d just decided to do.
A hand landed upon my shoulder, heavy and warm and real. I looked at it without turning my head to see the face. The hand was weathered, strong, tanned. Wrinkles and small round freckle-like marks showed its age and gave it character. I recognized the watch – a gold band with large, easy-to-read numerals, which I had given to him for Father’s Day once – and the arm and the shoulders and the neck and the chin… the familiar jawline that he’d given to me. My eyes met his, and my knees buckled. I thought for certain that I would pass out.
“Dad,” I breathed.
He smiled. “Ah Kevin,” he whispered.
“How…”
“We’re long overdue for a talk, son,” he said, wrapping his arm around me, “Long overdue.” His arm filled my body with heat, and I closed my eyes, sopping it up like a sponge. It had been along, long time since I’d felt such warmth run through my body. I reached up and clutched his hand that dangled off my shoulder.
Somehow, under the weight of his arm, even the freezing New England air didn’t feel so terribly bone chilling…
