I sat up, "Nick?" I yelled, pulling open my curtain. I regretted it. The moment I opened it, the most nauseating odor ever instantly permeated my bunk and filled my nostrils, which have extremely little protection from the elements, and I, too, was gagging. I pulled my shirt over my face. Left over stage sweat and general man-on-a-bus-with-a-itty-bitty-shower scent beat out... the Yankee-Candle-Store-Threw-Up-In-A-Nursing-Home scent. "Oh my LORD!" I gasped in my pit-stench. "What the hell, Nick?"
Nick was practically in tears. He was sitting on the floor of the bus, a sock tied around his face, a bunch of those Little Pine air fresheners in his lap, scissors in his hand, cutting them up. "It won't stop smelling! Make it stop smelling!"
I grabbed the scissors away. "What the hell are you doing?"
"I thought if I cut them up they'd break!" he whined.
"Why are there like a hundred and seventy thousand lil pines on the bus?" I cried.
"To cover the pussy smell!"
I stared at him.
"It was hurtin' my nose! I was trying to make it go away!!"
"Where on earth did you get all these air fresheners?" I looked at his trunk. No freaking way did he pack that many air fresheners to cover up the stink of his socks... Right? Speaking of which.... "You'd rather breathe your SOCK than the bus?" I exclaimed.
"You're breathing your arm pit," he pointed out.
Excellent point.
I reached for a window and a moment later, freezing spring air came flying in the window as the bus whizzed down the highway. I wasn't sure which was more important: keeping my face covered or trying to cover my arms.
"Noooooo it's gonna be COLD!" Nick wailed as the air struck him and he fell backwards, clutching his sock.
"You'll survive," I told him, leaving the window open. I reached for another one.
"I'M GONNA FREEZE," he yelled, "Like the mopeds!"
I stopped mid-step and turned, slowly, and looked at him. "The mopeds?" I asked. This I must hear.
Nick stared at me blankly a moment. I could almost see his wheels turning in his head, trying desperately to figure out what word he actually meant. "Mobiles?" he tried again.
"Nomads?" I suggested.
Nick's face flushed. "Shut up."
"The nomads didn't freeze, anyway," I said, and I continued in my reach for the window.
"The Nee-amander-halls, then," he said, slaughtering the world's annunciation. I decided to let it go.
Once I'd gotten all the bus windows open and we'd bagged all Nick's lil pine trees up and sealed it and put it in the hall by the door to be thrown away and we'd each bundled up in our big arctic coats and scarves and mittens, we sat down and tried to eat breakfast, but it's hard to eat around all those layers (Nick literally almost cried because he couldn't figure out how to shove Cinnamon Toast Crunch in his mouth without taking the scarf off).
By the time we got to the next venue, we were Backstreet Popsicles and I think my kahoonies - which were still sore from Nick's paint ballin' - were about to freeze off. I half wondered if I'd ever have kids - my poor nuts had been through a lot in the last couple days.
"I'm gonna go get a new phone," I announced. Nick and I had finally closed all the windows, but we couldn't tell over the smell of cold if the fruit-pussy scent had faded or if our nostrils were just frozen.
Mine probably had icebergs growing on them large enough to sink the Titanic. Nick was studying them, peering into them, as though searching for just that.
"Why do you gotta go get a new phone?" he asked, whining his way out of his fascination with my nose.
"Because, I told you last night, I gotta call my family and--" I stopped, about to say her name, and thinking better of it. I'd realized when I spoke to him that maybe I needed to cut back talking about her to him.
Nick scowled. "Leighanne," he finished, turning away.
I sighed. "Wanna come with me?" I asked hopefully.
"Would a snowball wanna go to hell?" he asked.
"So thats a no?" I asked.
"It's a no," he confirmed. He hesitated, "You know," he said, "You're stupid like the nee-amander-halls."
I stared at him.
"Yeah. They like all died, yanno, cos they were stupid and stuff." Nick beaded his eyes up, "And now you're all stupid, too." He got up and stormed off to his bunk.
I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, but I had a feeling he was being a baby. I grabbed my wallet. "Mmkay then," I called, "I'll be back. Need anything?"
"A new best friend," Nick called back in a moody voice.
I sighed. "Bye Nick," I called.
It wasn't fair; just days ago it had been warm. Like shorts and tank top warm. Now I was sitting in the bus looking like a blonde version of Frosty the Snowman.
Wherever this bus was going, I never wanted to go there again. I was like a...a...an animal that likes warm weather. Hm, a bear? No, some of them are polar. A bird? No, penguins ruled that out. I was...let's see...a llama! Yeah, a llama!
Or was it a camel?
Either way, once the bus arrived at our destination, Bri didn't waste any time leaving the confines of the bus. In one way, it was nice he had asked me to tag along; on the other hand, I was sick of hearing about her.
My options were looking bleak until AJ stuck his head in the bus. His face screwed up in disgust the moment he took a breath.
Oh my gawd, is there a dead body in here?"
"No. Does it still smell?"
"Are you serious?"
I sighed. J shook his head a few times and pulled his long sleeve up to his nose.
"We're in Minnesota, bro. Wanna come to the mall?"
I scowled. "What's with everyone and the mall?"
AJ looked at me like I was stupid. "Minnesota, Nick. Y'know...the Mall of America?"
"Aren't all of our malls in America?" I asked.
"Dude, your mom made a huge mistake not continuing your tutoring," J said.
"What? Why?"
"Never mind. You want to come with?"
I only had two choices. Go with J and hope the mall had a food court or stay in the stinking bus wearing my parka, gloves, scarf, and hat. I jumped up.
"Let's go."
It wasn't until the taxi pulled up to the mall that I realized why J wanted to go to the mall. It wasn't a mall. It was like a city. A city of stuff.
"Look at the ice skating rink," AJ said. He took out his camera, wound it until it stopped clicking, and took a shot. The flash was blinding.
I rubbed my hands together. J and I wear wearing black hoodies, jeans, and sunglasses. I was feeling very 'Tom Cruise in Top Gun'-ish in my shades.
"I'm sick of cold. I'm hungry," I complained.
"There's every single restaurant imaginable in the food courts," AJ explained. We stop at one of several mall maps; he started tapping every single possible food location.
"Courts?" I said in astonishment. I almost cried; I was in love. All of a sudden, all the walking we were doing didn't seem so bad.
It's funny, but in a place so big and packed with so many people, over the course of an hour we managed to bump into the rest of the guys. Howie was picking out an elephant for his mom; Kevin was all about the music stores. J bought about ten more pairs of glasses; I had about five different meals.
"One day, you're going to blow up," J warned.
I patted my stomach. "Naw, it's just good breeding. I'm made to be scrawny. And cute."
AJ just shook his head. I skipped a little ahead of him. I was so intent on skipping along that I almost didn't see Bri in the phone store. I skidded to a stop. AJ bumped into me.
"Hey! Wha--"
I clamped my hand over J's mouth and pointed.
Bri was deeply involved in a conversation with a gorgeous girl. I could tell he wasn't just talking about phone plans. He leaned towards her, said something, and she laughed.
"Damn," J whispered when I lowered my hand. "Look at Corncob go."
"Where's your camera?" I asked.
"Camera?" AJ said dumbly.
"The one you used to take pictures of the rink and me eating that giant burrito!" I hissed.
"Oh, that camera. Why didn't you say so. Damn, Nick..."
He pulled it out of his hoodie pocket; I yanked it from him. Before he could say anything, I took a shot of Bri and Lady Cellular that was dynamite; Bri had lifted a piece of her hair and was playing with it.
"Why do I think you're up to no good?" AJ whispered. I snorted.
"What? I'm just taking a memory for our friend. It's not every day we get to enjoy the Mall of the United States."
"Mall of America."
"Same difference."
I continued to take pictures until I heard the film automatically winding. When it stopped, I opened the back and took out the roll. I pocketed it.
"Hey, I have tons of shit on there," J complained.
"You'll get 'em. Promise," I said.
We moved on from the cellular store. J kept looking at me suspiciously, but I didn't care. The moment I had the chance, I was headed to a one hour photo. Then I was sending an anonymous package to Ms. Leighanne Wallace.
If there was anything I had learned from spying on B-Rok today, it was that he wasn't ready for a long term relationship. Mr. Prune could deny it all he wanted, but he still had wandering eyes.
My proof would help him wander a little longer.
