She was awful pretty, that Verizon Wireless Superbabe... but my few seconds of being a playboy was so not worth this.
"You were touching her hair, Brian!" Leighanne was on the phone. She'd received an anonymous package full of pictures from the UPS man that morning and had opened them to find a bunch of images of me drooling over the Verizon girl while I bought my new phone - since Nick had broken my old one.
"She was telling me about her shampoo," I explained lamely. "I know, it sounds like I'm lying, but seriously. I mentioned that she had nice hair, which she did, and she'd said she used horse shampoo on it! I'd been like no way, and she was like yeah and made me feel her hair."
Leighanne groaned, "You're so full of crap Brian." Her voice's tone was sharp.
The funny thing was, that's actually what happened.
Of course she'd said it in a sultry voice and I'd been practically salivating at her nearly-see-through blouse, but that's a whole other story, isn't it?
"Really, Leigh..." I whined.
Nick was lounging on the sofa-like seats in the front of the bus, per our usual stance, and had a open box of Honey Nut Cheerios on his chest, which he'd been munching on all morning, pausing only long enough to eat some microwavable bacon and a footlong ham and cheese from Subway. He tossed more cheerios into his mouth now as he watched me pacing, trying to explain this to Leighanne. His eyes followed my every move like a hawk.
"It really wasn't what it looked like," I said pleadingly.
Nick held up a hand and wiggled his fingers at me, "Lemme talk to her," he said.
I waved him off. "Really, Leigh, it was about the shampoo. I can't stress that enough."
"Bri-iiian," Nick whined out, "Lemme talk to her, I'll tell her what was up..."
"You weren't even there, Nick," I hissed.
Nick shrugged and wiped his sticky fingers on his chest. "Brok, c'mon."
I shook my head and turned away.
"Really, honey," I insisted, "There was nothing special about her at all..."
Suddenly, Nick was at my side, leaning over my shoulder, "Yeah, Leigh," he called gallantly into the phone, "He told me her tits were even smaller then yours!" He grinned at me.
I glared at him.
"Her breasts aren't small," I argued him, meaning Leighanne.
"So you did look at her breasts then?" said Leighanne, meaning the Verizon Girl.
"No! I touched her--"
Nick took the phone away.
I tried to grab for it, but it was too late, he had it to his impossibly high ear and I was only succeeding in batting at his head. "Brian always looks at girls' breasts," he said, "But that doesn't mean he doesn't like you. It's kinda like when I get strawberry ice cream instead of cookie dough. Cookie dough's my favorite, but I like eatin' the other kinds, too, you know?"
"NICK." I felt my heart racing in my chest. "Give me my damn phone back you asshole," I got on my tippy toes and Nick leaped in one swift motion onto the sofa, making him beyond towering over me. I bounced like a tiny dog, waving my arms, and he teetered on the edge of the sofa.
"Maybe your boobs are like, vanilla, y'know, and he needs another flavor sometimes..." Nick was saying, "But like, y'know, he loves you, he just likes to look a lot. A LOT." Nick winked. "I'm fixin it for you Brok!"
"Well stop," I begged. "I only want Leighanne's boobies!" I yelled this last bit.
Nick's face went blank. He listened to the phone intently a minute, then he frowned. "Oh," he said. "Well. Whatever. Here." He shoved the phone at me. "She says you're cute." He shoved by me and headed to the bunks.
I rolled my eyes. He was way moody lately. I held the phone up to my ear. "Hi."
"You only want MY boobies, huh?" She laughed.
Fifteen minutes later, I was off the phone and Leighanne wasn't mad at me anymore. I smiled and slid the phone into my pocket. I poked my head into Nick's bunk. He was laying on his back staring at the ceiling - a very un-Nick-like position. "Hey, thanks," I said.
He looked at me. "What?"
I smiled, "Your help - it actually worked somehow in some convoluted, crazy way."
Nick blinked at me. He sighed and rolled over.
"Hey, what's a matter?"
"Nothing, I'm happy for you, I'm just tired," he replied.
I shrugged. "You left your cheerios on the sofa..." I said, trying to lure him back out.
"I'm not hungry," he replied.
"WOAH," I laughed, "That's never happened before."
He grunted.
"Leighanne said to tell you she can't wait to meet you," I said. He didn't respond. I added, "She's flying out."
Nick turned back around. "...When?" he asked hesitantly.
"Tomorrow," I replied.
Nick stared at me, his eyes glassing over, his jaw slightly ajar. He swallowed. "Leighanne's coming here tomorrow?" he asked, "Here?"
"Yeah, Nick."
"For how long?"
I shrugged, "A couple tour dates, maybe?"
Nick blinked. Then he smiled.
I wondered what was going through that crazy lil mind of his....
Leighanne Wallace was invading MY territory. This was MY bus. It was still kinda a pussy-smelling bus, but it was still mine. Well at least half mine. And I didn't want her coming anywhere near my half.
The only GOOD thing about her arrival was that I wouldn't have to hear Bri slobber all over his phone. And they would both be in the same place. It would be easier to cause chaos.
MUCH easier.
I might not have packed light, but I had packed smart. Besides the paintball gun, I had every other prank known to man. I stayed up late planning while Bri's snores shook the bus walls. Sometime in the near-morning I must have finally crashed.
When I woke up, it was late. WAY late.
I crawled out of my bunk and the first thing I saw were panties. And a bra. A BIG bra. Like a bra big enough to put cantalopes in and shoot at an army about ready to attack.
I also heard sounds. Bri-sex sounds. I covered my mouth and pretending to fake vomit in my mouth.
How the hell did Leighanne get on the bus, get naked, and get busy with Bri while I was sleeping? Did I sleep THAT soundly? God, I was dumb sometimes.
I stood there. I could be an amazing friend and let him get a piece of t and a. Or I could be a great best friend and stop him from a mistake. A mistake, from the sounds of it, that he was really enjoying.
"HEY BRI!" I shouted.
There was a squeal, the sound of a big-ass forehead connecting with the wood from the bunk above, and some female pampering as he practically baby-bawled.
I snickered.
After a second, the curtain pulled back an inch. Maybe less than an inch. Bri's watery blue eyes peered up at me.
"What?" he hissed.
Crap. See, whenever someone says 'what,' they usually expect an answer. I hadn't thought that far along in the plan.
"Remember that itch you have the other day? Y'know the one that kinda made you all red down there?" I rambled. "Well, I was researching online last night and they said it could be crabs. Not the red scuttling things like Sebastian from The Little Mermaid but--"
A female voice started giggling. "Oh, he is a jokster, isn't he?"
My mouth fell open. Another blue eye and a sliver of blonde hair poked it's way into the less-than-one-inch part of the curtain that was open.
"Hi Nick. If you give us a minute, we can all go to lunch."
Bri winked at me. "Maybe a couple minutes."
And the curtain went closed.
Damnit. What was wrong with this chick? It seemed like Brian could be infected with lice, have maggots crawling over his body, have a million imaginary STDs and she'd still bone him.
I didn't know whether to hate her or be jealous.
I was gonna go with hate at the moment. I stomped towards the showers.
My first line of attack had failed. But there was more where that came from. A lot more.
