You know in the movies when they have those weird sequences where someone's dreaming of kissing their girlfriend or wife or whatever and they wake up and they're in bed with the dog? Okay, so I fell asleep on poor Nick, right, and I had this dream about Leighanne and she had Lil Tyk with her and we were laying on the sofa and Tyk was climbing all over me with his spindley little legs and then he started licking my neck and I was like "stop it Tyk, stop it" and laughing.
See then I woke up, remembered Leighanne had left - and had therefore taken Tyk with her - and I was supposed to be alone.
Thing is, if I'm supposed to be alone then the licking of my neck should've stopped.
It didn't.
I rolled over, ready to clock Nick in the head for being a frickin' weirdo - cos let's face it now, he totally would do something freaky like lick me in the neck - and instead I find myself face to face with a Greek Goddess of Fertility and Beauty.
I stared blankly at the most gorgeous woman in the world - other than Leighanne of course - and tried to convince myself I was dreaming. And also tried to figure out why the goddess had been licking my neck.
"Can I have your autograph?" she whispered.
"NIIIIIICK!!!" I cried.
But Nick had evidently left.
SHIT.
I leaped off the sofa and scurried into the bathroom and slammed the door shut and locked it. I scrambled for my cell phone out of my pants and quickly tapped out Nick's cell phone number. I could hear the stupid miditone playing from his bunk. "What the crap is the point of having a doggone cell if you dont keep it on you?" I muttered as I hung it up. It beeped for a missed call. I tried to remember the head of security's cell phone number. Curses for not storing info into your contacts list, I thought to myself.
"Brian Littrell, please let me have your autograph!" called the goddess-slash-fan.
I stared at my phone in desperation.
I hesitated.
Then I did it.
"9-1-1, what is your emergency?" came the sweet voiced lady on the other end of the line.
"Hey my name is Brian and I'm stuck on a bus with a woman."
There was a long pause. "Excuse me?"
"I'm Brian Littrell... the Backstreet Boy... um and I'm stuck, on my tour bus. There's like a woman, like a fan, and I dunno, I guess she broke into the bus..."
"Does she have a weapon?"
"Do good looks count?"
"Sir, are you sure this is an emergency?"
I blinked. "YES I'm sure," I answered, a bit irked. Didn't it sound like an emergency?
"Why don't you just ask her to leave honey?" she asked.
"Because this woman probably climbed over barbed wire fences to rape and pillage me, don't you get it? Our fans - they aren't sane."
The woman grew silent. "Where are your buses parked, sir?" she asked.
I thought a moment. "Uhh.."
"Sir?"
"Hold on, gimme a minute."
I looked around. The only window in the bus of the bathroom wasnt really a window at all, it was an air vent that was built in over the shower stall. I tucked the phone into my breast pocket and climbed into the shower stall and looked around, trying to see a way to boost myself up. I stepped on the faucet, holding onto the curtain rod bar, and grabbed onto the vent. I pulled. Using my sneakers soles as traction, I "ran" up the inside of the shower vent until I'd basically performed the most complicated pull up in the history of Backstreet kind.
My chest was definitely screaming in protest, but I peeked out long enough to see a Starbucks and a Walmart. I dropped from the vent and landed awkwardly on my feet at the bottom of the shower.
"There's a Walmart and a Starbucks," I answered at last.
"I'll send an officer right over," she answered.
"Thank you." Without waiting for a response, I closed my phone and tucked it back into my pants pocket. I rubbed my chest and took deep breaths.
That's when I noticed how quiet it was outside the bathroom.
I reached for the handle of the door and inched it open, half expecting like a horrible horror-movie-esque sequence involving the goddess-fan-turned-werewolf, but the hallway in front of the bathroom door was empty. I paused. "Hello?" I ventured.
I peeked around the corner.
"Ah, oh God!" I heard Nick wailing.
I stepped into the hall and blinked in surprise. "What in the hell....."
She had the rack for heaven. If I was a dog, I probably would have already been humping her. The only thing that stopped me was the crazy glint in her eye.
"Can I have your autograph?" the hot girl asked.
"Do you want it on your shirt?" I squeaked.
The goddess-of-all-amazingness shook her head no. She stepped towards me.
"Um, did you bring a pen?"
Again she shook her head. I stepped backwards.
"Don't go," she pleaded.
I glanced towards the couch. Brian was gone. I suddenly thought the worst. Brian was probably hanging upside down in the shower, the blood draining from his body. This...this..thing was some type of succubus. I was going to get raped and then murdered.
"Uh...uh...uh.. ." I grunted. I turned and flew towards the door.
I wasn't fast enough. Boobie girl tackled me and we hit the floor. She clawed at my t-shirt. There was a sickening ripping sound.
"Ah, oh God!" I wailed.
"I WANT YOUR BABIES!" the girl screamed. My poor hair was yanked. She started pawing me like I was a piece of meat.
"I DON'T WANT BABIES!" I shrieked. "GET OFF! GET OFF!"
"Let him go!"
The sound of Brian's voice was like heaven. Boobie girl was momentarily distracted.
"I'm...I'm not afraid to use this!"
Brian was holding one of those foam baseball bats; y'know, like the kind you give little kids that could potentially get a concussion if they used a wooden one. Boobie girl didn't seem impressed. She turned back to me. Her hand flew towards my crotch.
Little stars erupted in my eyes. I gurgled. This girl wasn't playing around.
"AHHHHH!" Brian screamed.
All of a sudden I had a girl trying to hump me through my jeans, Brian hovering over us - half the time hitting boobie girl and the other half of the time hitting me, and I was pretty sure I was missing at least one of my balls.
I didn't even hear the sirens. Boobie girl was grunting at me and Brian was yodeling louder than Xena the Warrior Princess. What I did see were heavy black boots.
"FREEZE!"
An hour later Bri and I were sitting side-by-side on the couch. The bus was bouncing down the road.
"That was...interesting," Brian said. I snorted.
"You weren't the one that got his cajones squeezed within an inch of their life."
"Well you said you didn't want kids," Bri said. "Besides she licked me."
We both shuddered. I sighed.
"Hey Bri?"
"Yeah?"
I was tired. I was sore. But I knew I couldn't sleep. Not until...
"I kinda have somethin' to tell ya."
