Part of me couldn't believe I was doing it. The other part was thrilled. I wasn't a prune. I was doing this. Phone sex was not something prunes did. I'm pretty sure Kevin's never- well, no I lie. I'm not sure. With a voice like Kevin's- well, I don't wanna think about that anymore.
I was crouching down, leaning against the bus, Leighanne's huskiest voice coaching me, my heart pounding, when I heard the bus door slam shut, heavy footsteps, and a clicking sound. My entire body was tingling. Why NOW? I wondered, Couldn't he wait just like three more seconds?
BAM!
SPLAT!
A big spotch of neon green paint landed right between my legs, spattering up at me and my - well, let's just say I was well decorated. I leaped off the ground. "Woah! WOAH!" I yelped, suddenly no longer into the moment. My eyes swung at Nick's. They were positively psychotic.
"Brian?" Leighanne had caught the panic in my voice.
"Drop. The. Fucking. Phone." Nick leveled the gun.
"Nick, stop it," I said.
His finger quivered on the trigger.
"Nick, stop, I don't have my equip-"
BAM!
SPLAT!
"OWWWWWWWW! WHAT THE CRAP MAN!?" I doubled over, my phone flew out of my hand and hit the cement and it broke. But I didn't have time to concentrate on that now - or the air to. My stomach had gotten hit dead on and it was smarting. I didn't even have a shirt on. My chest was a blossom of neon green paint, like I was full of some kind of crazy ass alien blood.
Nick leveled the gun again. I heard it click, again.
"STOP IT!" I yelled.
Nick laughed - the sound even as freaking psycho as his grin.
I didn't have a choice. I ran for it.
BAM!
SPLAT!
Green paint hit the tar a couple inches behind me and he swore, and I heard him take off at a run, too. Now I played baseball in high school, so I've got a baserunner's speed. I was pretty darn good at stealing bases back in the day, too, not to brag or nothing. It's because I'm tiny and fast. But Nick's got longer legs than I do, so he was able to keep up with me. The only reason he couldn't out run me was because he ate so many freaking Twinkies and his gut wobbled every which way like that flappy chin thing on a turkey.
BAM!
SPLAT!
He hit our bus. Our bus now had a big green splotch. I ducked around the end of it and bolted into the gap between our bus and Kevin's. It was a tight squeeze, even for me. I didn't think Nick would make it between the two buses. I didn't think about what a freaking easy target this would make me.
BAM!
SPLAT!
"OW!" My ass now had a splotch to match my chest. I grabbed my buns and covered them with my hands. "YOU ARE NOT PLAYING FAIRLY!" I screamed and dropped to my knees.
The lights in Kevin's bus turned on.
BAM!
As soon as I heard the shot, I rolled and slid under the bus.
SPLAT!
The cement next to me splattered green, right where my crotch had been. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO YOU ASS HOLE?" I screamed. Nick laughed crazy in response.
"Come out, come out, where ever you aaaare!" he called. "I know you're under the bus."
This also made me an easy target. I scrambled, crawling army-style on my stomach, and came out the other side of the bus. I looked back. Nick was on his hands and knees at the back, peering under. "There you are." He grinned and stood up. Shit.
I propelled myself to my feet and bolted. Nick came around the corner of the end of the bus.
BAM!
SPLAT!
A tree on the edge of the parking lot ate that one.
BAM!
SPLAT!
A garbage dumpster.
Suddenly Kevin's bus's door opened and Kevin, Howie and AJ all poured out of the bus. And within seconds, the security and crew were all gathered around, too, as I ran in a circle, trying to get away from Nazi Nick.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!
He was rapid-firing.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" Kevin's voice was loud, ringing, and the most authoritative sound I'd heard in a long time.
I ran and ducked behind Kevin.
Nick didn't have time to stop himself. He was too quickly aiming and firing after my tail feather.
BAM!
SPLAT!
The silence that followed the shot was suffocatingly heavy. The only sound was the sound of Nick dropping his weapon and it clattering on the cement at his feet. Howie whistled. AJ gasped.
I could feel Kevin shaking.
Nick was so about to die... I peeked over Kevin's shoulder in excited anticipation. BRING IT KEVIN, BRING IT!
The best game of paintball that I've ever had in my entire life was over. Hell, my life was over. Bri was butt ass naked behind Kev, but my enthusiasm to shoot the shit out of him as payback had backfired. I had hit Kev dead center in the middle of his forehead with a bright green ball of paint. It covered 'the brow' and dripped off his nose.
With that cover all over his face, he seriously was like the Hulk. I watched his shirt to see if it would fly off as he doubled in size and squashed me with one beefy hand. But, it didn't. AJ's mouth was hanging open so wide I could have tossed a basketball in it. Howie had a grin on his face like I had never seen before. He winked eight times in succession.
Bri peeked around Kev. His eyes danced in excitement. If I was him, I wouldn't have looked so happy. I had blasted a paintball into his nuts, chest, and ass. I felt kinda embarassed; the stupid oompa-loompa outran me even with a stiffy.
"Nick," Kevin said. His voice was low, slow...serious. "Explain to me," again he paused. I was going to be eighty by the time he was done talking. Then again, that might be good. I would die of old age instead of by murder. "Explain why you're vandalizing our busses."
"And vandalizing Brian's ass," Howie added. He turned around, his shoulders shaking. I heard a snort. Have you ever heard a Puerto Rican snort? He kinda sounda like Toucan Sam when he squawked.
My mouth opened. I looked at my gun. I had dropped it so fast that the ball compartment had broken open. Unused paintballs were scattered at my feet.
"Bri shot Pepsi at me and a girl," I said feebly. "When I finally got cleaned off, I went to look for him and--"
"That's a lie," Bri drawled. "He was out for revenge. He broke my phone!"
"WAH!" I shouted. "Big friggin whoop-de-whoo! What ever will Bribear do without his phoney woney?" I said. I brought my fists to my eyes and pretended to wipe tears away. "You can't get all chubby with WeighWeigh without your wittle ph--"
"ENOUGH!"
Howie backed up. AJ sat down on the bus step. Bri covered his nuts. I shoved my hands in my pockets. Kev wiped a trail of green that had been flying down his cheek.
"We have two hours before these busses take off," he said. "Brian, get dressed. The two of you are going to clean up every damn paintball splotch on the bus and on the pavement. This group is not going to be known for destroying venues that allowed us to come and play."
Kev turned around and headed for the bus steps. AJ dove off and slammed onto the ground. Bri, who was still cupping his guppies, started a sideways walk towards the bus. Howie kicked him in the ass before he got too far. Bri took off at a run.
"How am I supposed to clean cement?" I asked stupidly. AJ scrambled to his feet.
"I have an idea," he said.
Fifteen minutes later, we had a high pressure hose hooked up. AJ and I were both holding onto it for dear life. I was grateful for the help; J's idea was actually working.
"NOW THE BUS!" I shouted. We turned in tandem and pointed at the spots that had richocheted off of the black metal sides.
Bri still hadn't come out of the bus. I didn't think that was fair. Kevin had said that the TWO of us needed to clean up. I shot off the spray.
"We didn't get it all," J said. I waved him off.
"Thanks for the help, but Bri should finish this," I said. J leaned close to me.
"Don't make me go back on the bus. Kevin's probably talking to Kristin and Howie's probably got the TV tuned to Telemundo. He's got the hot for one of those soap opera chicks."
I snickered. It sounded like hell.
"Okay, hold the hose," I said. I dropped my part and ran up on the bus.
Bri was standing in the living area towel drying his hair. He looked at me and paused. We stared each other down.
"You gotta help," I said.
"I'm bruised," Bri argued.
"You deserved it!"
He threw his towel down. "I did not!"
"You almost ruined my night!" I screamed.
"You're ruining my century!" he shot back.
I lost it; I stomped my foot on the floor like a bull and tackled him. We went down on the ground. For a little shrimp, Bri was feisty. Somehow I got distracted and Bri ended up on my back, holding my head off the ground by my hair.
"Not the hair! Not the hair!" I squealed. My legs kicked helplessly.
"You don't deserve hair!" Bri yelled.
"That's not very Christian of you!" I shouted back. I jabbed him in the ribs. He rolled off me. I smacked across his chest and pinned him down. I grabbed his leg and yanked it in the air. He screamed bloody murder.
"GUYS!"
I turned towards the door. AJ was staring at us wide-eyed.
"Kev's coming!" he said in a loud whisper. Bri bit my elbow.
"I don't care!" I said. My face felt like it was burning. I bent Bri's foot to the side. He yelped.
"I CARE!" AJ said. He sounded totally panicked. I glanced at him and instantly knew what he was about to do.
Before I could stop him, he turned the hose on us and the entire inside of the bus.
