Nick spluttered, I choked. AJ stood there looking like the cat that swallowed the canary. He dropped the hose. "I ... I uh..." he hesitated, "Gotta go," he finished lamely and he bolted off the bus, leaving us soaking wet in a pool of water in our now sopping wet bus, laying in a questionable position, Nick's body rubbing against mine in ways two straight men's bodies should never rub, less than four feet from a hose.
I looked up at Nick.
Nick looked down at me.
"Kev's going to fucking murder us," I said.
Nick nodded, wide eyed.
"Truce?" I asked.
"Yes please!" he cried.
United by our common fear of Pissed-Off-Kevin, we leapt to our feet. I grabbed the hose, and Nick and I both ran down the bus steps and into the parking lot, almost knocking Kevin over in our rush to get outside. Nick yanked the door shut behind us. Kevin blinked. "What the ape shit are you two doing?" he asked, looking us over.
Every square inch of our bodies were drenched with water. It was pooling at our feet on the cement. Nick's hair hung limply around his face... and out of my still-clenched fist because, unbeknownst to him, I'd taken a pretty good chunk out of it before he flipped me over on my back. I dropped the evidence and kicked it under the bus discreetly.
"Workin' on cleanin' up," Nick said, "What the hell else? I'm just doing what you told me to do."
"Yeah," I said.
"You two are both grinning like hyenas over here," he noted. He eyed us closely. "You're waaay too happy to be cleaning."
"Well, as has been well demonstrated tonight, Brian likes playing with his hose," Nick giggled.
The truce was so off the second Kevin left our presence. I was gonna wrap the hose around his stupid neck and tug.
"What were you doing on the bus?"
I looked at Nick.
"Gettin' a snack," Nick answered, "All this cleaning shit makes me hungry." He patted his stomach.
Kevin raised an eyebrow.
"I told him he's gonna get fat....--er," I hissed the last part of the word under my breath, and Nick glared at me.
Kev shook his head, "I don't know if I believe you..." he reached for the bus door.
"WAIT KEVIN YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE!!" Nick wheezed, flinging his entire body weight at the door and knocking Kevin's arm aside. He stretched his arms across the door, his stomach blocking the handle. "OVER MY DEAD BODY MAY YOU ENTER THIS BUS!!!!!"
My jaw dropped.
Kevin stumbled backwards in surprise at the dramatics.
"Okay, what the fuck did you two do?" he demanded, a determined look in his eye.
VERY smooth, Carter, I thought, How the heck are you gonna get out of this one?
Nick's eyes flashed. "I- I- I uh- It- It's AJ's fault," he stammered.
Inspiration.
"AJ's having - alone time," I hissed. "On the bus."
Kevin's eyes widened, "What?"
"AJ...he's doin' it. Right now. On the bus."
Kevin paused, "AJ is --"
"PAINT BALL MAKES AJ HORNY!" Nick yelled.
Kevin blinked, obviously uncertain how to take that.
I wasn't sure, either. Knowing Nick and AJ, it could be something AJ had legitimately said once to him.
Nick beamed, obviously quite pleased with himself for his outburst. It was the kind of moment that AJ and Nick would've high-fived and belly-bumped over.
I probably would've belly-bumped them too if AJ didn't chose that moment to come back from whereever he'd had to go to before, almost colliding with Kevin.
"Why exactly is AJ out here?" Kevin asked, glancing between Nick and I.
Nick feigned surprise, "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET OFFA THE BUS WITHOUT USING THE DOOR AJ?" he cried.
AJ stared at Nick, "Um. What?"
"Horny for paintball..." Kevin muttered, reaching again for the door.
Nick reinforced his stance.
"You didn't tell him yet?" AJ asked stupidly.
"Tell me what?" Kevin demanded.
"Thanks AJ," I muttered.
"TELL. ME. WHAT?!?" Kevin's tone deepened.
AJ turned red. "Seeya guys." He ran back to the other bus like his ass was on fire.
Kevin looked at Nick. "Move."
Slowly, like iced molasses going uphill, Nick slid off the door of the bus.
Kevin wrenched the door open and started up the stairs.
Nick and I stared at each other.
"BRRRRRIIIAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAN!......... NIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIICCC CCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kevin's voice echoed off the bus. We both winced. We looked at one another, paused.
Then simultaneously broke into a run to get away.
Ten minutes later, we were sitting in a booth at Chick-fil-A with trays in front of us and monster mashup mixes of fountain sodas. "We can never go back," Nick whispered, shaking his head, "He's gonna kill us."
"I know," I answered, biting into a french fry. Nick had more food on his tray than I'd eaten all week. I pulled apart my chicken sandwich.
"Well, it was fun being a Backstreet Boy," he said, "While it lasted." He paused. "We're gonna be like Thelma and Louise now, huh?"
"You can be Thelma," I muttered, "I don't wanna sleep with Brad Pitt."
"Can Brad Pitt be played by Signourey Weaver?" Nick asked hopefully.
"No," I answered, "Brad Pitt's being played by Brad Pitt, I'm sorry to tell ya."
"You know who could play Brad Pitt really good?" Nick asked. "Pamela Anderson." He grinned.
I shrugged, "I dunno," I answered, "I think Brad's breasts are bigger."
Nick nodded. "True." He stared at his sandwich for a moment, then he looked up at me, a smile on his face. "See," he said, "It's stuff like this."
"What?" I asked, my mouth full.
Nick shrugged, "This... us talking about stupid stuff and laughing... this is why I hate Leighanne."
"Because we make jokes about you having sex with Brad Pitt, who has big breasts?" I asked, confused.
Nick shook his head, "Because when she's around we don't talk about Brad Pitt's tits," he answered.
I laughed and reached over and messed up his hair. He didn't complain for once - it was already a disaster, I guess he wasn't worried about the art form since it was already mutilated - and he grinned. "I just like having my best friend," he explained.
It was sappy as all hell, but it made me feel kinda warm and fuzzy inside, too.
I didn't even think about doing a bait & switch; I wasn't going to press my luck.
"Do you know how long," Kevin said. He stuffed a waffle fry in his mouth. "I was stuck talking to our tour manager? He's about ready to make you two ride on Greyhounds around the country."
"We're really sorry," Bri said quickly.
"Is our bus dry?" I asked. I was getting tired. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't sleep if the floor was squishy. I was weird like that.
Kevin gave me a look. "We had an emergency 24-hour maid service come in. They said they'd never seen anything like it. They asked how old the bus was."
"It's new," I said.
"It was new," Kevin said. "I swear. My bus still smells like new car; your bus smells like wet cat."
"Poor pussy, poor pussy cat," I said. I was about ready to break into a full-on rendition of I'm Too Sexy, but Bri clamped his hand over my mouth.
"You have my word that we won't be doing anything else wrong," Bri said seriously. I rolled my eyes upwards trying to get a look at him; I only succeeded in giving myself a headache.
Kev took a bite of his sandwich. "If anything else goes wrong, Nick and D are switching places," Kevin declared.
Bri's hand fell from my face; his face was priceless. I'm sure I looked just as horrified.
"Consider us angels," I said. Five minutes later, Kev escorted us out of the restaurant, his eyes on us like we were two bad little children.
He hadn't been lying about our bus smelling funky either. The water hadn't been sitting long, but it had caused a kind of odor that made the whole place smell kind of like, well, my grandma. It was just an old smell.
"I'm going to bed," Bri declared.
"How? I can't sleep in grandma's attic," I complained.
He yawned. "I'm tired. I'm going to have to wake up early and try to find someplace to buy a phone."
I frowned. "Why do you need a phone?"
Bri sighed. "Because I need to call family."
"Bull. You just need to call Leighanne. You're an addict."
Bri snorted. "An addict?"
"Yeah! You can't go a day!"
I turned to crawl into my bunk, but Bri grabbed my arm. "You were kidding earlier when you said you hated Leighanne, right?"
"No," I scowled. "I've never seen you act this way before. It's like you're seconds away from running off and marrying her or something stupid like that."
His face got all dreamy. "I know..."
I yanked my arm back, threw my hands up in the air, and crawled into my bunk. There was a long pause before I heard Bri roaming around and then the sound of his own curtain being pulled back.
I inhaled angrily. I wished I hadn't; I almost threw up in my mouth. I lasted two hours on the bus before I couldn't take the smell anymore. I convinced our driver to pull into a gas station. Bri was snoring loudly. I hopped off the bus and ran inside.
A bored looking woman in her twenties was sitting behind the counter filing her nails. I walked up to her and smiled.
"Excuse me. Where are your air freshners?"
The woman-girl popped a wad of gum. "What kind?"
"Whatever lasts the longest."
She pointed with her nail file. "Against the wall."
The back wall was filled with those air freshners for cars; y'know, the ones that you hang on your rearview mirror. I stood there staring, unsure of what to choose.
My first thought was to choose Strawberry. Who didn't love strawberries? Then I saw the vanilla. Vanilla reminded me of cookies. Cookies rocked. But then there was New Car smell too....
I grabbed ten packs of each and headed to the counter. The woman arched an eyebrow as I dumped them in front of her.
"Did you run outta cologne or something?" she asked. She started sending the packages under the scanner.
"My bus smells like ---."
She looked up at me in surprise.
"I mean the cat kind! Not the girl kind!" I said quickly.
"Kid," the woman said with a laugh. I tried not to grimace. Kid? I was eighteen! "You just made my night."
The total flashed on the register. I pulled out my wallet and handed over the cash.
"Thanks," I muttered.
"Have a good night! Beware of pussy!"
She started laughing; I turned beet red. I ran back to the bus and signaled the driver to take off. As the bus started up again, I sat on the couch and broke open every single package. I began to hang the fragrances like they were mini pinatas. Strawberry here. Vanilla there. New Car everywhere.
When I was down to my last scent, I crawled into bed and stuck a vanilla board under my pillow. I inhaled deeply and smiled.
Brian would thank me in the morning.
