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Chapter Forty One

My Dear, Sweet Baby Alexis,

If you are reading this, the first thing I need to say is sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for leaving you. No sixteen year old should know what life without their mother is like. If I have been gone for a very long time, I truly hope that some other woman has taken the reins in your life. If I have been gone only a short time, I hope that I was able to teach you as much as I could in the time we had together.

I won't dwell on what prompted me to write these letters. I only want to say that I love your dad to the depths of my soul. I worry about him. I worry about you. I worry about a lot of things. I hope you don't inherit my tendency to over-analyze and agonize over every little thing. I've gotten better at hiding the worry as I've gotten older (another tattoo always helps), but it's still there. Don't be like that, honey. Just open your eyes, un-clench your gut and go for things. Fly by the seat of your pants.

As I feel you kicking within me, I wonder what you look like. I'm sure that you're beautiful. One of the two most beautiful babies in the world: your twin being the other. I would do anything for you; give my life for you, if that's what it takes. I can't wait to hold you and kiss you and bring you home and just watch you sleep. Damnit, I'm getting mushy.


Here the letter was torn. It seemed like whatever had come after it had seemed less relevant than the second piece of paper that had been folded in the envelope. I reread the first part a second time, duly noting that 'Alexis' had been added to the original letter after it was written. I reread the part about worrying five times. Her wish hadn't come true. I was a worrier. But un-clenching my gut didn't seem impossible. In fact, that's exactly what I had to do as I went to the second page.

Alexis. ALEXIS! I always knew if you were a girl that would be your name. The tears in your dad's eyes when I told him just made it all the more real. You ARE Alexis. And I love you.

The first part of this letter was written not that long ago, but so much has changed. Unfortunately, my sweet one, not for the better, I'm afraid. I try to be hopeful, mostly for your dad's sake, but I am still hurting. Never did I think in the blink of an eye that the safety of my belly would be the greatest risk to you two. Never did I think I wouldn't even be awake to see the two of you as you were born. It kills me to think about it. Yet, I'm moving past that. I have to. We all do.

By now, I'm sure your father has shared with you the first letter I have written him. If he hasn't I will summarize by saying that one of the main things I mention is that moving on is the only way to go. I'm going to live (and die) by example. I'm going to cherish every second of the present and all the good memories, but I'm writing this to you because I am looking forward to your future. Whatever it may bring.

Thinking about your little dark head and that sweet button nose, I have to wonder if you'll turn out like me. Will you revel in the world of style and hair? Or will you wow the world with your singing voice just like your dad? No matter what path you choose, know that I'm proud. So proud.

But back to my original purpose. I'm sorry; my thoughts are so scattered. Sixteen. As you read this, you have just turned sixteen. It is such an exciting age. A scary age. I remember my own sixteenth well and I hope you'll be a little more sensible than I was, but not so much you won't look back on it with a few outrageous moments to laugh about.

Now, I haven't bothered Jonah with a whole bunch of wine and roses imagery; boys don't take to that stuff. But you, sweetheart, deserve wine and roses. I have no doubt that one day you'll fall in love. Maybe you already have, I don't know. But girls need their mothers advice on love, and what I have is this: don't fall in love recklessly. Don't give your heart away until the day you close your eyes and all you can see is the face of the one you love. Don't give your soul until you meet someone you can fight with and love simultaneously. Don't give up your name until you know you can't take another breath unless you spend the rest of your life saying someone else's.

Trust me on all of this. I know. I know because I felt all of this about your father. Love. LOVE! I don't mean to JUST write you about love, of course. On a more personal note, I want to talk about YOU. Don't think that the sky has an invisible glass ceiling you can't climb above. Even when you doubt yourself, know that you have something special inside you. I like to think that my special cocktail is kindness, compassion, and honesty. Maybe your cocktail is the same? God, I wish I knew. My gut tells me you will do wonderful things. You will touch the lives of everyone you come across. And since you're my daughter, you're going to break a few hearts along the way. Don't worry, it's natural. Damn, I went back to the romance stuff didn't I? Sorry, but I'll always be a romantic at heart.


I hit the bottom of the page and quickly turned it over. With relief, I found there was still more. I brushed my fingertips across my wet cheeks as I realized that the penmanship seemed to get shakier as it neared the end.

As I re-read what I've already written, I realize nothing I can put in this letter will bring me back if I'm already gone. I made a list for your father and I will do a similar, albeit shorter one for you. Some things for you to keep in mind:

1. Party like a rockstar if you want. Just party responsibly. Just ask your father. Know that excess can be deadly, in more ways than one.
2. Never forget to tell your father that you love him. He needs to know this more than you think he does.
3. Break a rule or two every now and then. Just don't get a frameable mugshot for it.
4. Donate your time and kindness. Time is precious; make it meaningful. Kindness blossoms with a smile - do it a lot and you'll see it in turn.
5. Finally, remember that beauty is more than skin-deep. As much as I love decorating the outside, it's the inside that matters most. Your truth radiates from within.

There they are. Five simple life lessons. I could ramble on about mistakes I've made, but I know everyone's mistakes are different. It's like walking in sand. You're never going to take the exact same step as someone else. Close, but no cigar. Do the best you can and you'll go the distance.


The text got cramped towards the bottom as she struggled to get every last bit in. She even noted that in the beginning of the very next paragraph. I wanted to scream out against the unfairness of 8 1/2 by 11 paper. It just wasn't enough. I was in a mental desert and I was thirsty for more. I decided to read agonizingly slow, savoring the little I had left.

Crap, I'm running out of room. I wish I could write forever, but I can't. Just know that I wish you the best in your adult life. Every time you hug your dad, hug him for me. The day you get married, if it rains, don't fret. Those are just happy tears for you. And when you place the first kiss on your newborn child's head, kiss that sweet one an extra time for the grandma it will never know.

And lastly, laugh until your lungs explode. Leap until your legs ache. Stare up at the sky and picture a lone ebony bird arching towards the clouds (see your dad for the raven reference). Because even if it seems I'm flying away, know that I WILL see you again and when I do, know that I'll never let you go.

All my love,

Mommy


I set the letter across my knobbly knees. Dad had just finished his own letter. We looked at each other. I felt a cheek press against my shoulder. It was Joe. It didn't seem important to talk. There was a fourth presence in the room. Invisible to everyone but the three of us.

It was mommy. A mommy I never knew in person. Alive in words.

Alive in our hearts.