"...did Jess tell you that?"
"Is it true?"
I had just spent the worst ten minutes of my life struggling to retell what I had just heard. My voice, already weird sounding, seemed even more stunted. Kim picked at her cuticle through most of it. She didn't immediately answer my question.
"Well?"
"Cole had a complicated life," she finally admitted. "We're not allowed to discuss these things due to privacy issues."
"How can that I apply to him now? He's dead. He needed help. He needed counseling. He needed--"
"You knew him for a summer," Kim interrupted. "And he was never forthcoming about himself. Don't make quick judgments."
"I know he had a beautiful soul," I said more confidently than I felt. "This," I waved my hand around the room. It was cold in more ways than one. "This shouldn't have been his end."
Kim closed her eyes. "I know," she admitted. "I know."
A shadow fell over the doorway. Blanche stepped in. Her tears were still fresh.
"Ally, being a nurse is one of the most rewarding occupations anyone could ever have. It can also be the most heartbreaking. Working with teens with years of scars, physical and mental, is ten times more rewarding and heartbreaking. And you can help so many, but you can't help them all. I hate that this is Cole's end. You being here is proof that he had a profound effect on people. I know it doesn't seem fair. I know it isn't fair. But I'm going to keep giving and I'm going to keep seeing miracles. And I'm never going to forget those ultra rare moments when we got to see him smile."
I covered my face with my hands. Being sixteen was supposed to have been one the greatest times of my life.
It was the worst time of my life.
God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, but trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence, He hides a smiling face.
Blind unbelief is sure to err, and scan his word in vain;
God is his own interpreter, and He will make it plain.
The words blurred together. The pastor didn't know Cole. It was a well-rehearsed sermon that I'm sure he had repeated millions of times at millions of funerals.
The mood in the room was heavy. My thoughts were with the dead boy in the casket. Joe's mood was sour; Krista was no longer at the rehab center. Even Jess didn't know where she had gone. Mason sat beside Joe, his face tense.
And dad sat beside me. He had arrived just seconds before the service began. I braced myself for the lecture. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me and just held me tight.
In God’s wise divine intervention, none of us can see very far ahead. The future is always unknown, and no one could have foreseen the kind of summons that brings us to this moment,
on this day.
Cole would have hated everything about this.
I thought about what Blanche had said. People had helped me all my life. People were still helping me today. The proof was in the gentle squeeze from dad's hand.
Maybe, just maybe, I could turn this into something possible.
Maybe this wisdom, this tragedy could allow me to help.
It wouldn't hurt to try.
O God, whose mercies cannot be numbered: Accept our
prayers on behalf of thy servant and grant him an
entrance into the land of light and joy, in the fellowship of
thy saints; through Jesus Christ thy Son our Lord, who liveth
and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, now
and for ever. Amen.
It happened in a split second. We were there, beside this deep hole in the ground and the next second that hole was being filled. My jacket was no match for the wind. My hair smacked against my face. Kim and Blanche led Jess back to the car. No one else had bothered to come. Dad's arm wrapped around my shoulders.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I felt another arm wrap around my shoulders. Joe. He tilted his head onto my shoulder.
It seems like a simple thing to do, but I exhaled. As I did, a bright emerald green leaf drifted by my face, landing on my feet. I stared at it and felt my lips curve into a smile.
"I think I'll be okay."
"You ran away again. You took your sister."
"Don't forget the little crackerjack plane."
"What do you have to say for yourself? You've corrupted your sister!"
Joe smiled. "You're welcome?"
"Now wait a minute!" I interrupted. "This was all my idea. Joe just wouldn't let me go along!"
"Truth?" Dad asked. Joe shrugged.
"Yeah, I guess that's the truth."
Dad pulled Joe into a hug. I held up my hands.
"He gets a hug? I don't understand you two!"
"Me either," Joe said, hugging dad back.
"But I think it works better that way."
"I'm either killing him or loving him," dad chuckled. "We're a success story."
All I could do was smile.
For the McLeans, it really was a success story.
