"See that one? We were going at it in the car and this big spider dropped down. She knee'd me in the balls and I had to get stitches. If someone ever tries to steal my identity, make sure they pull down their pants. If they don't got the scar, they're a fakey-Mc-fakerson."
Kev opened his mouth, thought twice, and flipped the page.
I felt bad for my black-browed buddy. We had gone through a huge chunk of B's and we hadn't gotten anywhere. The spider girl had been Cable, Stephanie. I knew for a fact she wasn't the one. She wasn't a great kisser and I totally didn't want to have babies with her.
"What about Taylor Cage?" Kevin asked.
I stared down at my all-too familiar handwriting. I couldn't match the face with a name. Her name seemed to be fairly fresh. That was a good sign.
"I dunno," I admitted.
"Do you see a better option on this page?" Kev asked. I shook my head.
"Well, she's going to be the last one today," Kev announced. I made a face. I wished that he didn't have to sleep. We were going to be wasting precious hours while he was drooling all over his 'Bears of Kentucky' pillowcase.
I levitated up to the ceiling while Kev made the call. He was always so darn polite; it got boring after awhile. I hummed to entertain myself.
"Nick's not able to come to the phone right now," Kevin was explaining. "There was an accident."
He gave the same speech that I had already heard a half dozen times.
"Would you mind meeting me at the hospital?"
I stopped and drifted back down to the ground. Kev wasn't playing around; she must have sounded pretty good on the phone for him to take another drive to see me all carrot- like.
"Twenty? Perfect. Thank you."
Kev hung up and rubbed his neck.
"She sounds nice. I don't even have to ask her how you met. She already told me."
"She's your dog groomer."
I gasped. "That's right! She's got really curly hair that reminds me of a poodle!" I said happily. "And she really is a good groomer. My pubes--"
"If you say one more word I will drive to the hospital and yank the tube out myself," Kev warned. I clamped my mouth shut. I guess someone didn't like to talk about pubic hair.
What a fuddy-duddy.
Kev stood up. I heard a bone or two creak. I so wanted to make a comment about his age, but I wasn't taking a chance with the whole 'one more word' thing. I floated along beside him as he grabbed his car keys. I took my seat in the back. Kev's eyes kept flickering back at me.
"So you obviously didn't do anything stupid to this girl," Kev rationalized. "I mean if she's still grooming your dogs..."
"Naw," I said. "We're tight."
I leaned forward. I just couldn't help myself.
"You know what she likes best, Kev? Hunh? Hunh?"
Kev sighed. "What?"
I giggled. "Doggy style."
I could've fallen asleep standing up. Going through the ghosts of Nick's sex life past was really tiring... and to think we hadn't even capped off the C's yet. I was leaning against the wall in the hospital with my eyes closed when I heard. "Sorry I'm late, the traffic was something awful."
I opened my eyes and they landed on Taylor Cage, Doggy Stylist Professional.
She did, indeed, have poodle hair. She was wearing cargo pants and a tshirt with the logo for her doggy beauty parlor - Pawsitive Styling, Pawsitively the Best PAWS DOWN!
Nick sighed, "See, look, she has a sense of humor! She's gonna wake me up, I can feel it."
I didn't even have the energy to contemplate how many things Nick had felt now. Nor did I have the energy to get annoyed by his tirade about lots of babies again. I struck out my hand to Taylor Cage. "Hey," I said, "No problem. Last thing I want is to hear about reckless driving right now. I'm glad you took your time."
Taylor nodded, "God you look so tired," she said. She reached up and tucked a flyaway piece of my hair behind my ear and grinned.
"It's been a LONG couple days," I admitted. I waved her to follow me and we climbed aboard the elevator, heading up to Nick's room.
Before the doors closed, though, the busty nurse that'd been taking care of Nick trotted into the car. "Oh! Hey Mr. Richardson," she greeted me, grinning, "I was just on my way up to Nick's room to give him his dinner." She held up a bag of fluid.
Nick made a face at it. "Gross," he muttered. "I want those food processed cookies now, Kev."
"Ohhh you're taking care of Nicky?" Taylor asked, teary eyed.
Busty The Nurse looked at Taylor. "Um yes..." she paused, "Who are you?"
"Nick's fiance," I answered automatically...forgetting the incident with Jullian earlier.
Busty raised an eyebrow, "I thought that Jullian was his fiance?" she asked, confused.
"Who's Jullian?" Taylor demanded.
"Nick's a polygamist," I muttered.
"What's a polly's-legs-are-moist, Kev?" Nick asked, floating around me. "WAIT! Is that like where I have a harem? I definitely wanna be a polly's-legs-are-moist!"
Busty's eyebrow went through the roof. "Oh is he now?" she smirked. She knew.
"WHO is Jullian?" Taylor demanded.
"Nick's other fiance," Busty The Nurse replied.
Nick frowned, "Um This isn't good," he muttered.
Taylor looked at me.
"She visited him this morning."
Taylor turned away, crossing her arms, pissed looking. I was concentrating on the numbered buttons on the wall by the door. Seriously could this elevator ride BE any longer? I wondered.
Nick hovered in circles around us, looking nervous. "I dunno if I wanna be a Polly's-legs-are-moist anymore, Kev," he said.
Suddenly the elevator lurched to a stop.
I looked around. "Uhm."
Taylor hit the number button for the floor Nick was on again. Twice. Nothing happened. I looked at Busty, nervous. I looked at Taylor. Nick disappeared through the ceiling of the elevator then came back in. "Ya'll are stopped," he announced.
"No shit Sherlock," I muttered.
Both women stared at me.