"The key's in the fake poop by the door."
"Who uses fake poop?"
"Does it look fake?" I asked. Kev sighed. I knew he couldn't deny the authenticity of the huge hunk of turd sitting behind the big green bush.
"You really need a better security system too," Kev quipped. I stuck my hands in my pockets and whistled. I was the guy whose Internet got hacked at the AMA's for crying out loud. I guess 'Nick Carter's shit' wasn't the best way to label my, er, well, shit.
I continued to whistle as Kev slid the bottom out of the poo and grabbed my house key. He unlocked the door and we walked in.
"Ugh!"
Kev quickly covered his nose. Even I winced.
"No one's checked on my babies since my accident!" I cried.
Two crazy, barking dogs flew at Kev. He stepped back, but it was no use. He was tackled down on the ground.
"You gotta pick up the poo," I said seriously.
"Ya think?" Kev screamed.
"Lemme show you my paper towels!" I said happily. It wasn't like I could help Kev to his feet after all. I floated around doing a little Mexican hat dance while he got the dogs off of him. He followed me to the kitchen.
"In that cabinet," I said. "And you need to feed them and--"
"We need to board them," Kev said.
My eyes grew huge. "What? You can't board them! They wanna stay home!"
I crouched down and put my head behind Silas'. "Plllleaaaseeee don't send me awwwwaaayyyy," I howled. Kev purposely smacked himself with the paper towels.
"This is why I left," he mumbled. I sat back.
"What? What do you mean this is why you left?"
"Nothing," he muttered. I followed him as he started poop patrol. For only being gone two days, the dogs pooped a LOT. It was totally disgusting. Kev's face, on the other hand, was totally amusing.
Forty-five minutes later, my dogs had water and food and they were happily putting more poo-making goodness in their bodies. Kev hopped up on my kitchen counter and looked around.
"So where is it?" he asked. I was air-petting Silas.
"Where's what?"
"The book!"
My mouth formed an O. "That's in the safe."
"The safe? You put your house key in fake poop but you put your address book in a safe?"
"It's not just an address book!" I said defensively. "It's my little black book. It's like my...my pussy wagon."
Kev groaned. "Nick, this is why you don't have anyone--"
"Don't be a Debbie Downer!" I said. I tried to tug his arm, but I just flew through him. Kev's eyes grew dark.
"Sorry. I keep forgettin'," I mumbled.
Kev jumped down and we headed upstairs. My bedroom was just like I left it...a total mess. The Playboy channel was still on. Even Kev couldn't help but stop and look. We both nodded in appreciation.
"Those are nice," Kev admitted.
"Totally. I'd put my face right in them if my face didn't go through people at the moment," I quipped. The corner's of Kev's mouth twitched. I almost had a smile...ha!
After another minute of boob-arific action, Kev turned. I pointed to my closet.
"My safe's on the floor behind my foam finger," I said.
Kev crouched down. A giant foam finger flew through my body.
"Hey!"
"What's the code?"
"36-18-33," I said.
"Any special meaning?" Kev asked. I watched his fingers twirl the lock. I smiled.
"Those are Barbie's measurements if she was real," I said. Kev stopped and looked at me.
"You've got to be kidding."
I shook my head. "Nope! If she was real she wouldn't even be able to stand up!" I said happily. I was proud of my bank of useless knowledge.
"No kidding," Kev muttered. A second later, the safe lid swung open.
And there it was. The mecca. I had even put in a light that turned on whenever the door was opened. It was shining right down on my Babe Bible. It was a total Indiana Jones moment.
"Pick it up," I said in a hush. Kev didn't waste any time. He didn't even make it look cool. He just picked it up and turned to the first page. I plopped down on the ground.
"There must be a thousand names in here!" Kev said in astonishment. I leaned over. My tiny writing was crammed in tightly on every page.
"We've got a lot of work to do," I said solemnly.
"I need that kiss."
"Anderson, Wendy... Anderson, Alexis..." I raised my eyebrow and looked at Nick.
"Slutty sisters," he said, nodding.
"Oh for the love of Pete," I turned back to the book. "This is going to take for-fucking-ever. Are you sure you even wrote the girl in here?"
"I always write the girl in there," he answered solemnly.
I grumbled. "It's a wonder you haven't died long before now. Of herpes or AIDs or something..."
"Hey I'm clean!" he yelped defensively.
"I'm just saying, Don Juan."
Nick grinned, "Don Juan? I like that." He stared up at the ceiling for a long moment. I turned back to the book and kept searching. There were girls literally from every corner of the world crammed in here in tiny chicken scratch. This was going to take fucking decades. I was not prepared to spend decades looking up Nick's old bed bugs. "...and a sword and a sombrero and..."
I'd tuned out on Nick, but he was apparently still on the Don Juan thing.
"Hey," I clicked my fingers, "How about helping me figure out which one your one dream girl is, huh?" I demanded, trying to refocus him.
"Oh oh, right," Nick floated closer to me and hovered, looking over the page.
I sighed. "Well I guess first is first. You haven't known her long, so we need recent entries. That should help narrow them down."
"But it's not like I date them," Nick said. He thought about it a moment, then laughed, "The entries I mean. Some of the girls I actually saw more than once." He grinned, like that was an accomplishment.
"No, dumbfuck, but ones that're blocked in by two-to-three hundred more entries probably aren't recent," I rationalized.
Nick grinned, "Not particularly."
I looked up at him.
"What? I'm just saying!" Nick held up his hands. "Don't act like you aren't jealous."
"I'm not jealous," I muttered.
"Or like you didn't get laid almost every night, too," Nick added, jabbing his finger at me, "I saw you lookin' at the porn, you're just as much a horn dog as I am, it's just you're married. And if every time you and Kristen boinged had its own entry in that book you'd have a thicker book than I do," he added.
"I'm married," I snapped.
"Yeah, the sex is supposed to stop after that," he joked.
I glared at him.
"Hurry up, this isn't helping me get awake any, now is it?" Nick asked, grinning. "Don't you want me to wake up?"
"Yeah, if for no other reason than to get you the hell away from me," I said before the words could be stoppered up. I bit my lips the moment they'd fallen out of my mouth and looked up at Nick.
He pretended to be concentrating on the book. "Sorry I annoy you so much," he muttered.
"You don't annoy me," I answered - lying.
Nick nodded, "Right. Anyways..." he pointed to the page. "She's new. I bet that's her."
Atchley, Jullian.
"Okay." I stood up, "So let's call Miss. Atchley and get you kissed."
