But I refused to put the kid down. He was my only line of defense. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I jiggled him gently on each hip and hugged him and tried to play pattycake and a bunch of other mindless child games but nothing worked. Leigh was scowling, unable to sleep either, thanks to James' lungs.
"Sing him the song will you, please?" she wailed.
I had no idea what The Song was.
Only one song came to mind. And funny enough, it wasn't even the real, actual version of it that came into my mind, either. It was a version Nick sang once.
"Come a little bit closer, you're my kinda guy," I sang, "So big and so strong..."
Leigh stared at me, eyebrow raised.
"What?" I asked, looking up at her when I'd finished the song.
She shook her head, "Nothing just... nevermind ,it's okay."
"What is it?"
Leigh shook her head, "Forget it, it's fine."
I wasn't gonna argue with her. I let it drop. James continued screaming anyway, listening to a 900 billion hour discussion on God knew what was not my idea of a good time. I continued rocking James. I figured if she wanted to tell me what was up, she'd tell me.
I was right.
"You were just singin like AJ," she blurted.
I looked up from Jame's pinched, red, ugly-ass face. "What?"
"You were singing in AJ's key," she explained, "I don't know, it's just weird..." She eyed me a long moment. "You guys are being weird today. I can't quite put my finger on it, but... there's something going on."
I stared at her.
Leigh sighed, "Howie, please, let's put James to bed. Come to bed." She patted the matrress beside her.
"What bout the bet?" I asked.
She rolled her eyes, "It's not nice to keep a senorita waiting, senor," she said. A smile broke her stern face, though, "I'll be happy if you just hold me, mi amor," she whispered.
I laid James down and he stopped wailing once my hands had left him. I sighed. You lil shit, I thought. I moved across the room and crawled in bed awkwardly, and laid down against the pillow. Leigh pulled my arms around her and I tried to think of anything except the sexy woman in my arms.
That's when it occurred to me.
Maybe I wasn't able to get Rochelle pregnant because I'd be a terrible father. Maybe that's why James was screaming so much whenever I touched him. He was afraid for his life. He was afraid that I'd always be me and not his Dad again. James didn't want a terrible father for a father, he wanted Howie, the perfect father.
I laid awake, staring at the ceiling, scared to fucking death.
"You look exhaused. Didn't you sleep well? Or did you spend the time doing something else?"
J was slumped over a plate of eggs over easy, dark circles under my eyes. Leigh's eyes kept fluttering closed. I hadn't touched a bite of food.
They looked like two people who had spent the night---
"James wouldn't stop crying," Leigh said with a yawn. "It was a late night."
J nodded. I glanced over at James from behind my sunglasses. His big brown eyes were affixed to me. He broke into a huge smile.
"DADA!"
James wasn't much of a talker, but when he did, it was something usually incredible profound.
Hence, his declaration that I was his dad. It took every fiber of my being not to encourage him. I stared down at my newly painted nails. For some reason I had felt the need to surround myself in black today. I scooped up a mouthful of eggs, bit down hard on my fork, and shook my head.
"Jamesy, silly boy. That's not da-da," Leigh cooed. James nodded happily. I was prepared for his next move. He tossed a grape right at my head. I reached up and caught it, just as I had trained myself to do. James clapped.
Leigh's eyes widened. Maybe it was because we had been together so much longer than AJ and Rochelle, but part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, she was beginning to put the pieces together.
"AJ..." she said slowly.
"Great catch monkee!" Rochelle said happily. She kissed my cheek. J dropped his fork under the table, dove under, and head-butted my knee.
Always with the bum knee. I winced.
Before AJ clammored back into his seat, I recognized the ringing of my phone. J glanced at the display. His eyes darted to me.
"Excuse me a moment," he said. He whisked out of the room. I scooted back my chair. I felt sick. If it was the same caller as before--
"Where you going monkee?" Ro asked. James threw his arms out at me, grunting impatiently.
"I need to speak to J for a minute Ro," Leigh said pleasantly. "Can you watch James?"
Leigh might as well have asked Ro to open a tree full of Christmas presents. She nodded enthusiastically.
"Of course!"
I was hoping that Leigh would walk in the same direction AJ had gone, but she veered me out of the kitchen and down a hall. I leaned against the wall, trying to copy AJ's perfect 'I don't give a fuck' stance.
"What's up?"
"I want to know the truth," she whispered.
"The truth about what?"
She folded her arms across her chest and shook her head slightly side to side.
"I want to know what's going on with you and AJ."
"Nothing's going on with me and A--" I stopped. I had a feeling she had just trapped me. She reached up and took of the glasses. Her eyes bore into mine. I teared up. She was so beautiful.
And right now she wasn't mine.
"Howie?" she whispered.
"Te quiero con toda mi alma," I said softly. Her eyes widened.
"How did this happen?"
"It's a long story," I said.
"Does Ro know?"
"Who would think something like this was possible?"
Leigh cupped my chin. "Your eyes..."
"I went off AJ's anti-depressants for him," I admitted. I wrapped my hand over hers. "I'm dying right now."
She blanched. "So that means I slept with AJ last night?"
I almost choked on my saliva. "You sle--"
"In the literal."
I nodded. "Yeah."
"No wonder he was clinging to James like a bulletproof vest," she mumbled to herself. Her face turned scarlet. "Oh God I said all that stuff."
"Don't worry about it," I said. "You didn't know."
My eyes darted past her shoulder. I hadn't seen AJ walk back into the kitchen yet. As much as I was worried about the body switch and about Leigh, I was more concerned with who the caller was. They had never tried two days in a row.
But then again, they were getting impatient.
Unknown McLean Fact #10: AJ told me once that when he was little he had wanted to be either an actor, musician, or a hostage negotiator. The world should feel blessed that he chose music. He once tried to bargain a Quarter Pounder with Cheese away from Brian and ended up agreeing to buy Littrell McDonald's for a month. By the time they had settled the agreement, Nick had swooped in and taken the sandwich.
