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Chapter Seventeen

"It's really weird," Nick was saying on the way out of the terminal, "You slept like the whoooole trip, J, and Howie didn't even shut his eyes. What the hell was up with that?" He laughed as he went to do our friendship-shoulder-punch... This ended in him accidentlly having shoved Howie -in my body- against the wall.

Howie stumbled, "What the hell was that for?" he grouched.

Nick looked taken aback, "Sorry," he muttered, "I just - we always -" he pouted, then turned away, his footsteps slowing until he was trailing along behind us all, moping. Howie stormed on ahead, clenching his fingers.

Brian glanced at me. "What's wrong with AJ?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, "Troubles in paradise, you think?"

"What?"

Brian shrugged, "He's acting like he's having issues with Rochelle or something," he explained.

"Rochelle," I said quickly, "Is perfect, thank you very much."

Brian stared at me a long moment. "D can we talk?" he asked.

"Is it about your sex life?"

"No..."

"Then yes, shoot."

Brian's eyebrow raised. "Are you having a midlife crisis?" he asked me.

"Midlife--" I stammered, "What???"

Brian shrugged, "I dunno, you seem... weird, like you're trying to be AJ or something." He paused. "It's not really working for you. Especially that -er- display at the airport..." Brian shook his head. "Is something going on with you and Leigh?"

I stared at my hands. "No," I muttered.

Brian's eyebrows puckered. "D... You can talk to me, what's up man?"

I looked up at Brian. He looked so concerned. "Nothin'," I mumbled, "It's all good."

Brian smiled slightly, "D... Seriously, stop trying to sound like AJ."

I laughed nervously as Brian led the way to the luggage carousel. These things scare the bejesus out of me. Every time I travel, I lose luggage. I sighed and waited to see Howie's stupid purple suitcases come out of the spinner.

What MAN owns purple suitcases?

"NICK STOP IT GOD DAMN YOU!" I heard me - er, Howie - yell from across lobby of the airport, "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT BECKY'S TITS!"

A hush fell over the room.

I looked at Brian.

"Well, that's a first for AJ," he laughed.

"I wouldn't mind hearing about 'em," I muttered -- at exactly the same time that Brian continued, "Normally he wouldn't mind hearing about 'em."

We stared at each other for a long, long moment...

"How--" Brian started to ask, but then Howie appeared at Brian's elbow.

"Howie," he said through clenched teeth, "I need to talk to you. In private."

I blinked up at him. He was livid. I blinked at Brian. He was about to ask me questions.

"Be right back Rok," I said, choosing the lesser of two evils. I pushed around him and followed him away from the luggage carousel.

Howie yanked me into the men's bathroom. "Nick needs to stop," he snapped, "For the love of all that is holy, TELL ME WHERE HIS OFF BUTTON IS."

"There isn't one," I said.

"What?"

"There. Is. No. Off. Button. He doesn't stop. He just keeps going and going and going -- like the energizer bunny. Nick is a big, giant, pink, drum-beating rabbit and the tune he pounds is sex sex, sex sex, sex sex..."

Howie reached to grab his hair but found I didn't have any and swore loudly in Spanish instead. "I'm sick of being in your body man!" he screamed, the words echoing off the walls, "Your body is weird and it smells bad, and DUDE when did you get that piercing in your --"

A toilet flushed.

We both looked at the stall.

Nick stepped out.

His eyes were wide.

I looked at Howie.

"Yo... Bro..." Howie said lamely.

Nick's eyes were still wide.

".....Hola," I said, pronouncing the H.

Howie looked at me. "It's OLA you gringo!"

Nick gasped.

We both looked at him again. "Nick," Howie said quietly, "We can expl--"

"BRIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIII-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nick bolted past us, shoving us both into the walls and out the door.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


"Okay, so we're going to all be calm and talk like adults," Bri said.

We were gathered in Nick's hotel room. Already he had no fewer than three jerseys scattered on the floor. He had his face stuck in the room service menu. Bri looks at me and J.

"HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU TWO SWITCH BODIES?!"

Nick flung the menu in the air, his eyes wide.

"What happened to calm?" he shrieked. "I think it's cool! Now when J and I hang out I'll automatically get all the fan love."

J raised my middle finger and scowled. I was trying to rub all the pen marks off J's sneaker with my thumb. Writing on your shoes was a disgusting habit.

It would have made a great Unknown McLean Fact too. Damnit, I just wasted one.

Anyhow, Bri's nostrils were flaring so fast that I was waiting for some little mini alien creature to flop out and attack us all. I gave up on erasing the shoe graffiti and sighed.

"We had an argument. We ended up in the hospital and--"

"Becky's hospital?" Nick asked happily.

"No." I said. "Besides, she doesn't own hospital. No hospital is her hospital."

Nick scowled. "I don't like you fake-J."

"Wait," Bri said. "J, er, Howie, go on."

"We continued arguing in the hospital and all of a sudden there was this woosh and--"

"And I ended up in hell. Puerto Rican hell," J finished.

Nick looked impressed. He smiled as if the best thought in the world had just occured to him. "If you guys aren't in the right body that means you've had to touch each others--"

"Don't," I said. "We are never in a million years talking about anything like that."

"Which reminds me. I got the piercing the same time Ro got her--"

I covered my ears. I wanted a complete mental epidural.

"Do Ro and Leigh know?" Brian said. He still looked doubtful. Brian and I were both well versed in the Bible. Nowhere did it say that Thou Shall Be Punished By Random Body Switching.

"Yeah, they know."

"Did anything fun happen when they didn't know?" Nick asked. He nudged me (well J). "Huh? Huh?"

"Nothing fun happened."

Nick looked disappointed. Bri looked thoughtful. "I dunno. If I accidentally switched with Nick, I might not be able to help myself..."

We all looked at him. He turned as pink as the silk hankie hanging out of his jeans pocket. I saw the silver curling W at the end. Yet another new Wylee product.

"With my Becky?" Nick said. He punched Bri's shoulder. "You jerk!" Then he smiled and winked. "You wouldn't be disappointed. But I wouldn't wanna be you. You're too short."

"Guys?"

Nick and Bri turned to look at me. "This isn't about you."

I made a motion between me and J. Nick stretched out, sticking his legs in the middle of our circle.

"What hospital was it? Maybe it was like a Witch hospital. Oooh maybe it was crazy lady from Hansel and Gretel. Maker of good candy, eater of small children."

Bri burst out laughing. I stood up.

"Aww c'mon," Nick complained. "You're no fun. You look fun, but you're not in here. And now Howie's fun but he looks all boring on the outside. I'm confused."

"Join the crowd."

"Yanno, maybe Nick's right," J said. "Remember that nurse? She looked vaguely familiar. And grumpy."

Nick's eyes widened. "Did she look like a toad?"

I shook my head. "Not really like a toad," I mused. "More like...more like that lady who wore all pink and liked cats in Harry Potter."

"Professor Umbridge?" J asked. I snapped my (well, his) fingers.

"Yeah, exactly!"

"Ohm-gawd!" Nick yelled. "Nurse Hatchet!"

"What?"

"I bet it's the same one that was all mean to my Becky and tried to kill me!"

"Nick," Bri said. "That's just what Kevin told you. Remember he had that mental breakdown thinking you were a goner..."

"So?" Nick dug his phone out of his pocket. "I'm gonna call Becky. She can just see if Nurse Evil works there."

"And if she does?" J questioned.

"Then Becky will make her change you back!"

J and I looked at each other. Nick always made things sound simple. But I could tell J felt the same way I did.

There was no such thing as witches. And this switch wasn't going to be fixed so easily.

"D and I need to talk alone," J said. "We're going to my room."

Bri looked worried. "Okay. But, we have to talk about how this is going to work. You have to learn each other's parts and dance moves and--"

He was beginning to have a panic attack. His forehead was getting shiny. I patted the air in his direction. "We won't be long. Promise."

J scrambled to his feet and we headed to the door. The last thing I heard was Nick saying something about being a private investigator...that also did private dances.

Unknown McLean Fact #17: AJ hates to admit he's wrong in front of a whole group of people. If he has to apologize, he always does it in private. It's not because he's too proud; it's because he's emotional. And he's a hugger.