I was in the bathroom, humming and trying to draw with my pee on the inside wall of the urinal like a kid with a sparkler on the 4th of July. "Whee," I hummed, "Whee..."
Suddenly the door busted open and Howie was standing behind me, hovering like some kind of fierce cat. I blinked in the mirror at him and lowered my sunglasses with one hand, holding myself up with the other. "Dude," I said, "Do ya mind? I'm trying to take a whizz."
"What are you on?" Howie demanded.
I looked down. "A tile floor."
He glared.
"Earth."
"ALEXANDER JAMES MC--"
Brian ran into the bathroom and into a stall. A moment later the sounds of retching were echoing through the room. I raised my eyebrow.
Howie sighed. "Brian?"
Now that D was distracted, I finished up my bid'nizz and tucked myself in my shorts. I started to head for the exit. "Seriously, J," D said, "What're you on? You're acting like a total --"
And at that moment, Kevin came in, followed closely by Nick.
"Jesus," I said, watching the other two guys go whipping by, "What the shit did they all eat?"
Howie sighed. "You're jumpy. What's going on?"
I twisted my fingers and made my wedding band spin. "Nothing."
"You're doing that weird twitchy gotta-keep-moving-gotta-keep-talking crap that you always used to when you were buzzed to high heaven," Howie said, eyeing me.
"Seriously, D," I snapped, "I'm not on shit. I'm just --"
Brian came out of the stall he'd gone into, pale. "What're you guys fightin about?" he gurgled, as he hovered over the sinks and turned the water on.
"Howie's accusing me of being high."
Brian was splashing water in his face and didn't really hear me. Howie and I were facing off. Brian came over, "That's too bad," he muttered, "Hey, don't eat the egg foo yong." He staggered out the door.
"I didn't accuse you --" Howie started, but then Kevin came out.
"I swear to God it's the rotating doors of HELL!" I yelled.
Kevin eyed me. "What's going on?" he asked.
"Nothing," Howie and I both said in unison.
Kevin's radar instantly shot sky-high. Kevin may be old, but he's not stupid, and it's very hard to sneak shit by him. He knew every trick in the book and then some. Nick and I used to have to make up our own tricks to get off the bus at night when Kevin toured with us. I smiled sweetly. Kevin came closer, and really eyeballed us.
"Dude you smell like throw-up," I muttered.
Kevin hesitated. He hated the idea of smelling. He inched away, glancing over his shoulder at us as he went back to the sink to wash up. I looked back at Howie.
"What are you doing?" he hissed.
"I was TRYING to take a pi--"
"HEY GUYS!" Nick flung his arms around our shoulders. "Isn't life great with me here?"
"Splendid," Howie muttered.
Nick grinned. "Can you believe I'm engaged?" he asked.
"Will wonders never cease?" I asked.
Kevin came up behind us. "It is rather amazing," he said, rubbing Nick's shoulders.
Nick beamed. "And it's allll thanks to you - and you going all crazy and shit last year." Nick patted Kevin's head. "Thanks again for that, by the way. Being psycho and stuff." He grinned.
Kevin glowered.
"Right then," I tried to tug away.
Nick's grip tightened on my shoulder. "Yo, McLean," he muttered, "Can we conference a sec?"
I looked at Howie. "Yes," I said, "That's definitely a yes." Maybe the Latin One would get bored and go back to the table. He put his hands on his hips and tapped his foot.
Why the shit can he tell when stuff is bugging me anyways? Why is he equipped with a 6th sense?
Nick yanked me aside. "Dude, do you have protection?" he hissed.
I blinked at him. "Why? Is someone packin' heat?"
Nick nodded, "Yeah. Me." He tapped his crotch.
"Dude you smell like acid hurl you seriously think she's gonna boink you?" I demanded, pulling my wallet out.
Nick rolled his eyes, "Dude I dropped like twenty K's on a friggin ROCK that sparkles, I better get some boinking or I seriously deserve a refund."
I tugged the condom out of my wallet and shoved it at Nick. "Here. It's old. May it still be strong."
"Old?" Nick laughed, "Why? You not had to replace it in awhile, Mr. Married Man?" he nudged me and winked.
"Shut the fuck up," I snapped. What would you know about being married? You're just an asshole with a nurse with a ring on her finger.
Nick grinned and jogged out of the bathroom. "Hey," he called just before the door slammed, "Don't eat the chicken fingers!"
I took a deep breath and turned to face Howie, my finger spinning my ring.
"What's going on?" Howie asked again, level.
I glowered at him.
"Something with you and Ro?" he asked, "I couldn't help over hearing the old condom comment...."
I did SO NOT want to talk about it.
"First off," AJ said. His face was getting red like it always did when he was uncomfortable. "I'm clean. I didn't spend three fuckin' months in rehab before my wedding getting clean to fall off the wagon. At least not so quickly."
I rolled my eyes. His whole life was one big wave. Up. Down. Up. Down.
"Second of all, the condom is old 'cause Ro got it in her head she wants to bring a child into this world. I currently feel like a damn gerbil. Or guinea pig. Or hamster. Oh fuck, I just feel like a humpin' rodent."
If they could have, I'm sure my eyes would have rolled in a complete circle. I grinned.
"No, way."
AJ scowled. He twirled his wedding band again. "Yes way."
"So?"
"So what?"
"So...how's it going? Did you get one past 'de goalie yet?" I asked. That was my famous analogy. I myself had already gotten one past. It was hard to believe James was almost three.
"No. And I don't want to talk about it."
The tone of his voice was screaming 'fuck off.' I had never known AJ not to want to talk about sex before. I sensed there was trouble in paradise. Or a little farther south than that.
"Something wrong with the plumbing?" I asked.
J's face grew redder still. "Plumbing? You seriously did not just call my junk plumbing."
"It's better than calling it junk!"
"What's junk?"
I smacked my forehead and smothered another angry outburst. Brian was back, looking green around the edges. AJ took the opportunity to make a beeline for the door.
"This damn tainted food!"
Bri belched. "He's got a point." At that, he covered his mouth and ran back into the stall. I followed J out and grabbed his arm.
"Hey, where are you going?"
"What is this? Twenty questions tonight?"
"You know, I can give you some advice," I said. "I mean, I've been there before. If you need pointers or--"
AJ snorted. "Pointers? From you? No offense, but I've had way more pussy than you."
Ouch. That hurt. I knew it was true (how Nick or AJ had never gotten a disease was beyond me), but it still was an ego bruiser. "It's not quantity it's quality!" I said hotly.
J laughed. "That's what you guys always say."
"You guys? What kind of guy am I?"
AJ seemed to realize how insulting that was. He put a hand on my shoulder. "Listen D. You're responsible, you've got the wife, the kid, the pretty house. You're like a Latino Father Knows Best. Life's easy for you. If you could walk a day in my shoes, you'd realize why I'm so fuckin' crazy right now."
"'scuse me?" I said. "You think my life is easy? Are you joking? My life is way more hectic than yours. Your problem is that you can't handle the tiniest bit of stress."
The hand on my shoulder dropped. AJ stepped closer. Our noses were practically touching.
"What the HELL is that supposed to mean?"
"What's going on here?"
I heard Kevin's voice, but I never actually saw him. A fist came flying at my face and I dove to the ground before it could connect with my perfect skin. I was a lover not a fighter. Kev started yelling, AJ lost it, and suddenly I felt like time had rewound ten years.
Unknown McLean Fact #2: AJ's hit all of us but Kevin at least once. He's lucky we love him.
