"Lookoutcomingthroughexcuseme please!!!!" I shoved past several people with ailments - bloody noses, a broken wrist, and what looked like a very severe bout of a stomach virus - and collapsed against the receptionist's desk. "Wife," I gasped, "...Baby... coming out of wife..."
The woman, who seemed far too calm for the situation, nodded and picked up a clipboard. "I just need you to sign here.. here.. and here..." she started to hand it to me, with a pen, when I heard Brian's wailing like a siren - he was hopped up on adrenaline - and the automatic doors broke open, Howie clutching the handles on a wheel chair, Rochelle screaming loudly, Nick clutching Becky's arm and Brian bouncing in circles around the lot of them.
"Where am I taking her?" gasped Howie, rushing past all the sick people I'd just shoved aside. Nick hesitated slightly to gape at the bloody nose guy - I have to admit it was pretty gruesome - but Becky yanked his arm, hard, and got him back to the program.
"I gotta fill out paper work," I answered. The look on her face told me, though, that I would be filling it out from a private room -- Rochelle would handle this.
"I have a fucking CHILD coming out of my VAGINA," she bellowed loudly at the receptionist, "I WANT A ROOM RIGHT NOW!"
"You tell 'em, Monkee," I said supportively.
"SHUT UP," she screamed at me.
I ducked behind Howie, who smirked, "It's okay man," he said, "They get vicious when they're pregnant."
Nick looked at Becky. "Are you gonna be vicious when you're preggers Becky-beck- beckers?" he asked.
Becky, instead of answering him, stepped up. "Excuse me," she said, resting a supportive hand on Rochelle's shoulder, "I'm a nurse here, I need a room assignment for my friend here. We're quite far along, and honestly I'm worried we'll deliver here in the ER if you don't get us up to the delivery room..."
"I AM NOT HAVING A BABY IN A FUCKING WAITING ROOM!" Rochelle screamed. Several of the people waiting looked up, alarmed. One woman covered her child's ears AND his eyes, glaring at Ro-Ro.
"Will it really come out her va-jay-jay?" Nick hissed to Brian.
Brian nodded silently, but solemnly. "I've seen it," he said quietly, shuddering.
"Let me call up and see if they have a space available..." the receptionist said.
Howie rolled his eyes, "Oh for crying outloud," he groaned.
Rochelle suddenly grabbed my arm and squeezed. "OH MY. GOD," she panted.
I dropped to my knees. "OH my GOD!" I echoed, but for entirely different reasons.
Becky shook her head, "Fuck this. C'mon Howie. This way." Becky shoved through two doors and Howie pushed the wheelchair along the hallway, Rochelle still squeezing the life out of my arm. As Becky led us through the maze of beige and teal hospital hallways, I heard Nick muttering to Brian that he didn't wanna see a baby come out of nobody's va-jay-jay.
"Don't worry," I snapped, turning around, "You aren't invited anywhere near my wife's vagina!"
Nick's eyes widened. "Good!" he said. He paused, then looked at Becky, "I got plenty of va-jay-jay of my own!" he said haughtily.
"Yeah pretty soon that one's gonna have a baby coming out of it too," muttered Becky, pushing open a door to a delivery wing and running ahead of us toward the receptionist's desk. Her face was red, and she bolted too fast for Nick to respond.
Nick froze in the doorway. The swinging doors slammed him in the ass and he stumbled forward, grabbing Brian's arm to keep from falling down. Brian was grinning like a banshee. "Did she just - did she - is she --???" Nick's eyes were the size of beach balls.
"Great," I muttered, "Another Nick. Just what the world needs."
"HELLO? FOCUS ON THE ONE ABOUT TO POP PLEASE, MCLEAN!" shouted my beautiful, mild mannered wife as she nearly ripped my arm off.
"Oh my gawd. It was in the car right? I knew those were baby-making seats."
Becky had just run out of the delivery room and Nick had bounced out of the seat he had been perched on and was running next to her.
"Nick, not now," Becky said gently. Nick tugged her arm and she stopped.
"Ro's almost crowning. I need--"
"When did you find out, Beckers?" Nick said. He was giving her those puppy dog eyes. "I thought you would have told me."
"You were finished tour. I couldn't help it. I've known for just a couple weeks and--"
"Jumping Jelly Frogs," Brian mumbled.
I was about to ask him what was wrong, when Nick grabbed Becky, tipped her and began to eat her face off. Well, at least that's what it looked like.
About two weeks after our grand change back, Rochelle had surprised AJ and meet him on the road. Not long after that, AJ had made the proud announcement that they had a baby on the way.
It hadn't surprised me that AJ would become a dad before Nick had become a husband. As always, Carter was doing things backwards. Becky didn't even have a wedding ring on her finger yet.
"I've got to go!" Becky giggled! She pushed Nick's chest and he stumbled back, a stupid smile across his face. Becky raced into a closet and emerged with a whole bunch of stuff in her arms. I watched her fly back into the room.
"I'm going to be a great dad," Nick said confidently. I snorted. Nick looked offended. "What?"
"It's just," I paused. "It's just you were just complaining about baby's and va-jay- jays. If you can't stand that..."
"C'mon D," Bri said. "You've got to admit it's a little like watching a science fiction movie."
I shook my head. "It was beautiful. Actually, I can't wait to see it again in a year or so."
Before anyone could say anything else, AJ rushed out of the room, his face almost purple. He waved his arms in the air.
"SHE'S BEAUTIFUL! SO MUCH HAIR! I'MMA DAD! I SURVIVED THE VA-JAY-JAY!"
Bri and Nick started to clap. AJ caught my eye. I couldn't help but smile.
"Congratulations, buddy," I said. I stood up and I hugged him tightly, slapping his back.
"Alex, get back in here."
Denise had arrived in time for the delivery. AJ pulled away from me and ran back inside. Becky came out, her eyes watery.
"She's beautiful," she said. She hugged Nick and immediately burst into tears. I grinned.
"It's going to be a great nine months," I whispered in his ear. Nick looked horror-stricken.
"Don't laugh. Guess who he's going to come to if Becky's hormones kick him out of the house?" Brian said under his breath. My eyes widened.
Nick as a house guest? Now that was a scary thought.
An hour later, all of us were sitting in Rochelle's room. AJ was hovering over me like a bird of prey. I was holding Dominique, who admittedly was absolutely beautiful. Her black hair was already tied up with a little pink bow. She squinted up at me with what I could already tell were going to be AJ's eyes and she yawned.
"Y'know," Nick said. The excitement of the whole day was preventing him from sitting any longer. "You should call her Nique-y for short. 'Cause it sounds like Nicky."
"Why would I name my child after you?" Rochelle asked. Becky smothered a smile behind her hand. Nick pouted.
"Cause you love me," he said.
"Well, D did name James after me," AJ teased.
"I did not!" I complained. AJ held out his arms and I passed the baby to him. He held her close to his chest, his arms locked around her like he was holding precious china. He leaned down and, with a smile, gently kissed her cheek. I shouldn't have been affected by the little exchange, but I was.
After spending time in AJ's shoes, I knew him better than I knew anyone else. I knew he was crazy, foul-mouthed, hot tempered...
But I also knew he was a great friend. And he was going to make a great father.
Now that's a fact.
