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Damn Kevin and his damn logic.

"You punched him out, you bring him to the hospital."

And just like that, I found myself sitting in a teeny tiny room at the ER while a nurse affixed Howie's nose with gauze. "At least we get a percentage off the rate, right?" I joked, nudging Howie, "Since we're in with one of them?" I was referring to Becky.

"Shut up," Howie snapped.

"Just trying to lighten the mood," I replied in a sing-song voice.

"You should've tried doing that before you decked me out cold."

I shrugged, "It didn't seem important then."

"Don't you have something else to do?" Howie asked, rolling his eyes, "Anything else?"

"Well I did see a restroom back there..." I grinned, "I could walk the hounds..."

"Might as well, your shoot blanks anyways," D mumbled.

We both froze. "Look mouthy," I snapped, "You don't know the crap I go through everyday. Don't think I forgot what a dickhead you were at the restaurant, just 'cos I'm being all nice to you now, trying to make you feel better --"

"YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM," Howie bellowed, "Maybe you shoot blanks because you're a coward and you don't dare to have kids!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME!" I stood up. I was ready to deck Howie again. Right into next Tuesday.

Funny, cos me and D usually get along. We're like the cooler, better looking version of Nick and Brian.

Ok, so cooler anyways.

Suddenly Nurse Hatchet appeared. "Fighting?" She tskked at us. "That's not good boys."

Howie was panting like a bull.

"Huh? Fight? Me and Howie? Never," I said, "Howie's life is too fucking perfect to ever have a fight in it."

"And AJ's too damn scared to ever fight me anyways," Howie added.

The nurse looked between the two of us. "Ohhh, you boys have a lot to learn I see!"

"Yeah I need lessons how to be as fucking AMAZING and WONDERFUL as Howard the Great is," I said sarcastically.

"Oh no no, I'm too scared to learn anything!" Howie whimpered.

The nurse nodded. "Yes, yes I think it's time to teach you a lesson." She went to the door and closed it carefully, then drew the curtains around Howie's bed.

"D," I hissed, "I think she thinks we're gonna gang bang her."

"Well, if that's the case, make sure you only get one condom, miss, cos this one here can't send the sailors out to sea anyways if you know what I mean."

"You fucking basta--"

But I never got the rest of the sentence out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It felt like a burst of cold air raining down over me. I felt weightless, almost as if I didn't exist.

When that feeling subsided, I was sure that I had been hit harder than I had realized. The nose that AJ had hit must have been shoved up into the brain causing mass hallucinations .

Why, you ask?

Because I was staring at myself.

"What in the monkey-humping catshit hell's going on?"

It was impossible that those words had come out of my mouth, but I had just witnessed my mouth moving. I stared down. My arms were covered in tattoos. Familiar tattoos.

AJ's tattoos.

"What did you do?!" I screamed. The voice was unmistakably J's.

"Me? I didn't do--"

He, er I stopped and hopped off the bed. I, er AJ followed. We both stared in the mirror.

The face staring back at me was not my own. Bald head, check. Facial scruff, check. Neck tattoos, check.

My own hands wrapped around AJ's shirt. I could see my nose turning purple.

"This isn't funny!" my own voice screamed at me.

"The nurse said you're ready for discharge."

We both turned around. A girl was waving my chart. I walked forward and tried to take it. She held it up.

"The patient needs to sign."

I was about three seconds away from fainting. I fell into the chair and threw my (er, AJ's) head down between my legs.


It was no use. The sight of AJ's crotch staring back at me was the last straw. The world faded to black.

When I woke up, I was sure it had all been a bad dream. I started to laugh.

"What's so funny, baby?"

A floral arm shot out and brushed my forehead. I looked up in horror.

Rochelle smiled down at me.

"Don't touch me!" I screeched. I grabbed at the blanket that was covering me.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Rochelle asked heatedly.

Before I could answer, the door flew open. Howie (damnit!), I mean AJ, ran in.

"Don't touch him!" he yelled.

"Would someone explain what's going on here?!" she yelled. "What's wrong with your nose?"

"I hit Howie," AJ said.

"You hit yourself?"

J looked at me. I looked back.

"Could we have a minute?" I asked. Rochelle kissed my cheek. I struggled not to wince. AJ's (well, my) hand clenched into a fist. She brushed past him without a thought.

"Touch her again, you die," AJ hissed. It was weird hearing a threat coming from my voice. I was feeling scared and admittedly a little angry.

"Well maybe I can get the job done for you," I said coldly. AJ's eyes widened.

With a great leap, I saw my body fly at the bed.

Unknown McLean Fact #3: AJ's extremely ticklish under the arms. If you ever want to hear him scream like a girl, try it.