"I can't believe this," my voice was muttering. Pillows thumped against the wall. I sat on a chair and rubbed my eyes. "This is all your fault."
"Again with the blaming me," I snapped, Howie's voice echoing out of my mouth, "What the fuck is the matter with me that it's my fault all the damn time?"
"I told you not to swear in my body," he snarled.
I had lost the staring contest by a mile. I don't even remember the last time I lost a staring contest. I guess it's because I was in the freakin' 'Rican's body. Howie's always been CRAP at staring contests -- he winks waaay too fucking much. But I would've lost even in my own body because Rochelle had come back half way through it to clean up the wine and after she'd gotten the beige carpets almost back to normal, she'd turned to Howie - who she thought was me - and pressed her bright red lips to his neck. "Why don't we all say goodnight now?" she said in a husky-sexy voice - the one that she used to ask for sex.
Oh. Fucking. Hell. No.
My - er Howie's - eyes had grown WIDE as Ro's hand slowly snaked down his back to his ass and --
"NO!" I bellowed, Howie's voice filling the silence of the room. Rochelle jumped about ten feet into the air. "I mean... no.. NO! You can't - you gotta - I need -" I stammered. She stared at me. So did my eyes - which were currently Howie's eyes. "I need Ho-- AJ... to.. to st- stay with me!" I gasped.
Rochelle stared at me.
"What?" she asked.
"Yeah, what?" he asked.
"I need AJ," I said, my mind racing, "I - I -" Why the FUCK would Howie need me? I wondered. "I need AJ because - because I-" I shot a glance around the room. A mirror caught my attention and the glint of Howie's wedding band on my fingers inspired me. "I HAD A FIGHT WITH LEIGH!" I cried.
"A fight with Leigh?" Ro looked concerned, "Whatsa matter?" she asked.
AJ/Howie smacked his forehead with his palm.
"I - I don't wanna talk about it," I said, "I just - need - I need some - some -" I thought about what Ro always asked for when she was sad. "Cuddle time."
Silence fell heavy over the three of us. We stood there. Ro blinked rapidly. "Cuddle time," she repeated quietly... slowly. "Cuddle time. Cuddle time?"
Each time she said the words, it sounded more pathetic.
"I think D means - er - man... man time, yeah."
Rochelle's eyebrows nearly went through the roof and an amused smile crossed her face. "Okay, you guys, go have your wild man love in the basement, I'll be in bed." She pulled away and started up the stairs.
"ITS NOT WILD MANLOVE!" my voice cried. Howie looked at me, eyes flashing.
"Yeah! We're not like... Bert and Ernie!"
"Good night, ladies!" Ro called back down.
And that's how we'd ended up together in the basement on the hideabed.
"This," Howie said, panning my hand across the basement room, "Is your fault."
"HOW IS IT MY FAULT?!" I cried.
"Okay Cuddle McCuddledoodle," Howie cried, "I'm pretty sure wild manlove was your fault."
"She said the wild manlove thing," I snapped.
Howie grumbled something in Spanish - which sounded very weird rolling off my tongue, by the way - and crawled into the bed and pulled the blankets up to his chin and pretended to be asleep.
I sighed. I was exhausted, too, and there was really not much else to say or do about it all tonight. Maybe one of us would wake up and it would be all better by morning. I crawled into the opposite side of the hideabed, making sure there was a crapton of space between me and D, and also pulled the blankets up to my chin and fell asleep.
I woke up with an arm around my neck. "Hmmm," I mumbled.
Then I felt a mouth on my ear.
Not Rochelle's mouth.
I sat up, fast. My body went flying. "AH!" Howie - in my body - landed on the carpet on the other side of the bed with a loud thump. "What the --"
"YOU WERE KISSING MY EAR!" I bellowed.
"Shit."
"What is wrong with you man?" I screamed.
"That's okay, look at you - you've got a friggin hard on!" he yelled, pointing at my - er, Howie's - crotch.
I looked down. Howard Junior was standing at attention. "In your sick, twisted, perverted body!" I retorted.
"You're the one that wanted to cuddle," he replied.
"I was trying to get Ro off you! Which THANK ME, by the way!"
Howie snorted and, instead of thanking me, he started making the bed.
I stood there, watching him. I glanced towards the bathroom door. "D..." I mumbled.
"What?" he snapped.
"I uh..." I nodded at the door.
"What?" he asked.
"I gotta pee."
We stared at each other, the implications of that statement sinking in slowly.
"Hold it," he said.
"Dude, if I hold it much longer, your fucking kidneys are going to explode."
Howie stared at me. "I don't want you ... playing with my... my stuff."
"I don't wanna play with your stuff," I snapped, "I wanna take a whiz!"
Howie turned red. "I don't- I don't want you- seeing it."
"Why?" I snorted, "Is it incredibly tiny?" I headed for the bathroom. A glance over my shoulder proved that Howie's face was redder than a tomato. I waltzed in and unzipped and whipped out the junk. I almost choked.
It wasn't like we had never seen each other naked. I mean, it was no secret that BSB had to shower together. But having to see and touch morning wood? Yeah, this was bad
I hadn't wanted to admit it, but I felt like AJ's kidney's were going to burst. I knew how much AJ overdramatized his own situations, but this was...this was bad. I was sure that years of drinking had weakened his own kidneys. My kidneys were fine. I had super kidneys.
Unable to stand the thought of AJ playing with my junk right in the next room, I scrambled out of bed and headed to the upstairs bathroom, putting some distance between us. I closed the bathroom door behind me. There was no time for contemplation. I stared straight ahead and whipped it out.
Of course, there wasn't as much to whip out as I normally dealt with on a daily basis. I struggled to not look down to check it out. I was also trying to use just my fingertips. I knew this was a recipe for disaster, but I had a hunch AJ was probably a messy pee-er anyhow.
When I was done, I washed my hands under scalding water, lest I get some Jizzle germs on me when this nightmare finally ended. I looked in the mirror and sighed. AJ's face sighed back at me.
I thought I had been pretty quiet moving around in the bathroom. I guess I must have closed the door on entry a little too loudly. I had just stepped into the hall when her voice called out.
"AJ?"
I smacked my forehead. The voice was coming from down the hall. The door was partially open.
"What?" I called out.
"C'mere!"
I had two options. The first would require me running far, far away and living my days as a freak in the circus. It held promise, but the thought of never seeing Leigh and James again kept me from doing that. The second required me just poking my head in and seeing what she wanted. I walked towards the half-open door and poked my head in.
She was waiting for me behind the door. The second I poked in, she jumped on my back. I yelped and stumbled into the room, her laugh husky in my ear.
Ro was strong; stronger than J. My stagger landed me face first in the bed. Ro scrambled off my back, smacked my ass, and flipped me over.
I almost choked. She was dressed in a tiny leather bra and thong set. Her lips were bright red...and her eyes meant business.
"You've been a bad boy to keep me waiting," she said in a sing-song voice. I eye'd the door. She walked backwards and closed the door. My heart sank as she flipped the lock.
"My silly monkee's playing hard to get?" she asked.
"Uh--uh---"
The Rochelle I knew was sweet and a little overly syrupy with AJ. This Rochelle looked like she was taking no prisoners. She pranced back over at me and grabbed the waistband of my boxers. Before I could move, her hand shot down.
I jumped.
This was bad. This was like when you watched porn with other guys. You knew what you were seeing on the screen was hot, but you had to keep it down. It was guy code. I tried to think of unsexy things as she played in my pants. I thought about my grandma (God bless her soul), those ugly hairless dogs, and--"
"Ay Dios Mio!" I cried as her head lowered.
Obviously, AJ didn't often cry out in Spanish. She paused. I averted my eyes, even though my blood didn't seem to be pumping southward like I had feared. I didn't want to see or experience a McLean salute.
"Did you just say 'Oh My God' in Spanish?"
"Umm---" My mind went blank. She growled (yes, growled).
"That's so hot."
Oh my God.
Unknown McLean Fact #5: AJ's Spanish sucks. He obviously needs to work on it. It's an instant turn-on.
