Leigh ran her fingernail down the center of my chest. She whispered in a husky voice, "Who cares about the stupid contest? Yo deseo tu cuerpo."
I knew the word cuerpo meant body.
I was pretty sure we were back to the dirty talking again.
"How---- AJ's..right.. right up stairs," I said. I backed away. "I can't lose this bet."
"You sound like AJ," she hummed.
"Baby James," I stammered, "He's... right here..." I bolted for James. "He's awake," I lied, picking him up. I held the kid to my chest. He wailed.
Screaming babies meant no sex, right? RIGHT?
Wait a minute, I better back up.
See earlier today, just after Howie told you the fact about me and Nick and the nipple burn (which by the way Nick's nips actually got frost bitten and he can't feel anything in the left one anymore - there's a fun Carter fact), Leigh showed up. Turns out when she called before, she was getting off the plane with Mini D and they were on their way to The Castle McLean, as I liked to call my house.
Leigh came in, struggling with a diaper bag and a stroller. "There's more crap in the car," she gasped, "Icaramba!" She dropped the diaper bag and the stroller, James hanging off her in a backpack on her chest. Her eyes lighted on me. "Ohhh, Papi," she gasped, grinning ear to ear. She came over and pressed James between us. I'd seen Howie hug her a thousand and four times like this. I wrapped my arms around her as lightly as I could, like I was hugging something dirty. I could feel Howie's nether regions burning like tamales.
But I needn't have worried.
The instant my body touched James', he let out a shriek heard round the world. His eyes got huge (like they weren't already) and he started going wild, whipping his arms around and bellowing like there was no tomorrow.
"JESUS," I cried, jumping back, shocked by the flailing toddler strapped to Leigh's chest.
Without hesitation - or thinking - Howie -er, in my body - leaped forward and grabbed James from the carrier. "Hey, hey," he whispered, "None of that crying, none of that, poco de frijol..."
Leigh and Ro - and even baby James, actually - were staring.
I looked at my sneaker.
Howie looked up just as James ripped the sunglasses off his eyes and put them on his own face. He suddenly realized, with the removal of the shades, what he'd done. He held James out awkwardly in my direction, "Sorry," he mumbled, "I just was - was practicing."
I reluctantly grabbed James.
James shrieked once more.
Loudly.
"Ah mi bebe," Leigh reached for him and pulled him out of my arms, "Te amo..."
I looked at Howie desperately. He shrugged... but he looked somewhat smug. I think he was just glad James hadn't screamed in his face.
Maybe James knew the difference.
Seriously, though, could Howie produce something that intelligent that could see through our skin to our very souls when even our wives couldn't tell?
"Go get her luggage, Monkee," Ro said, smacking Howie on my ass. Howie jumped and, casting one last longing glance at me, Leigh and James, bolted out the door.
"Howie, you and Leigh can sleep downstairs tonight," Rochelle said. She winked, "The walls are soundproof so if you want to lose certain bets that'd be okay with me. One month closer to having myself one of these adorable creatures." She kissed James.
I stared at her.
My God did Ro look fucking fantastic kissing the big round head of a child.
I wanted to see that everyday.
"Come, mi papi," Leigh drawled, grabbing my arm, "I need to talk to you." And just like that, I'd found myself downstairs, alone, with Leigh and James... and once Howie had brought down the luggage, she dismissed him. "We need some alone time, AJ," she said, winking.
Howie inched up the stairs. "D-dont forget our - our bet..." he said, his eyes sad.
I nodded.
After seeing Ro with James, I knew what I wanted more than anything else. I wasn't about to blow it. Even if I was in another guy's body.
Leigh pulled me down onto the bed. "What's this about a bet?" she asked, pulling me into her.
I pushed away and stood up.
"Me and D---- I mean J," I stammered, "We uh, we have a - a contest. We're trying to see which of us can- can go longer. You know," I said, "Without the having of the sex."
Leigh stared at me. "Oh Howard, please," she laughed, "That's silly." She stood up and came over, and her mouth was inches from mine, her eyes all doey... Her fingernail trailed down my chest...
And that's how I ended up where I was when we started... dry mouth, scooting across the room, and clutching a baby to my chest - a screaming baby - to fend off a horny woman.
"Do you think they'd make me take out my ring during delivery?" Ro asked. I was laying on the very edge of the bed, AJ's ass half-hanging off the mattress. My thoughts were on Leigh and James downstairs with AJ. Every time AJ held James, he cried. I desperately clung to the hope that my son still knew who his real dad was. The rest of my body was just desperate. Every part of my heart felt broken.
"What?" I mumbled.
"My ring? Do you think they'd make me take it out?"
"I don't see why they'd make you take off your earrings," I said. I was doing my best to not even try to breathe on her. I was convincing myself this was just a G- rated sleepover. "Leigh kept hers in. I mean---that's what D told me," I added quickly.
Ro laughed. Her hand shot out and stroked me in the chest. "Not that ring," she sang.
It took me a moment to realize what she meant. Women like Leigh would never even consider putting a ring down--down---there. I choked and coughed.
"You have a ring--" I stopped. I was AJ. I was supposed to know that. I was supposed to like that.
Blech.
"Yeah, probably you would have to," I said. I tried to think of something overtly sarcastic to say. An AJ-ism, if you will. "Wouldn't want to give the kid its first brow piercing that early."
Ro laughed. Her hand dripped down my stomach. "Our baby's going to be so cute," she said. She was slowly worming her way closer to me. I had no place to go. If I scooted any farther, I was going to land on the floor. Bet or no bet, Rochelle wasn't going to allow AJ to sleep on the floor.
The only positive was that the depression and the sudden stoppage of the pills was still messing with AJ's libido. I decided to suck it up. I loosely - I stress loosely - wrapped an arm around her, allowing her to nestle her head on the edge of her pillow and be somewhat close to me. She smiled.
"Night monkee," she whispered.
"Night."
Before I could stop her, she kissed me. It was just a fast kiss, but I was instantly plunged into a deep well of guilt. I was a married man. I had technically cheated on my wife. If Leigh ever found out I'd be kicked to the curb. I hadn't dated another woman in over a decade. It wasn't like the majority of fans were Team Howie. Would I even date a fan?
Somehow the thought of dating a fan brought me back to missing Caroline. And dad. And some of our favorite fans that had passed away. My (well, J's) pillow was getting soaked with tears. The blood coursing through this shell of a body seemed to be screaming for relief. I thought about the bottle of wine Rochelle had produced yesterday. I wondered if I could find it...
The only thing that stopped me from hopping out of bed (besides Ro, of course...my arm was pinned under her) was that I had made a promise to AJ. I had promised to break him of the pill dependence. With that, I had to keep him clean. Once we were back to normal (please God let us get back to normal), it would be his responsibility .
But for now, this was my chance to help him out. He really didn't have it that easy. I wasn't going to admit it aloud - at least not now, but there was an internal struggle that I don't think many realized was occuring.
I went to think with a black shroud cast over my mind.
When I woke up the next morning, I relished the feel of the warm body pressed up against me. I smiled, picturing Leigh in all her beauty. I snuggled up closer, my hand heading towards her breast--
"What about the bet?"
Ro's voice instantly sent me back to reality. I scooted away, falling off the bed and taking most of the sheets with me. Luckily, AJ's ability at arousal was still lacking. I was of sane mind. I take that back. I was just of mind. I don't know about the sane part.
"Old habits die hard," I gasped, figuring that was a line AJ would probably use in a case like this. Ro sat up, holding the shirts to her, a smile on her face.
"It'll be over soon," she said. "You never did tell me what the winner gets."
I blinked quickly. I even threw in a wink, I think.
What the hell would the winner of a dumb bet like this get?
Unknown McLean Fact #9: AJ once got one of those keys in the mail from a car dealership claiming he could win a free car if he stopped my the lot. He actually went to try his luck, but the salesmen convinced him of going with a 'sure thing' and trading the key for a mystery box. The contents? Thirty bags of Cheetos.
