Troubles in the Kingdom
"Brian!"
Leighanne's sharp voice woke me up with a start and the bowl of popcorn that had been balancing on my chest rather precariously slid and bounced off the edge of the sofa, butter-coated kernals flying like confetti through the air. I grabbed lamely for the bowl, but it was too late by the time I'd reacted and all I could do was wince and look up into Leighanne's cranky-face.
"Honey," I said, smiling up at her, "You're home...early..."
"I'm home on time, actually," she said. She bent down and picked up an empty paper cup from the floor. "Mind telling me what happened here exactly?"
I glanced around the destroyed room. I must've fallen asleep. Baylee must've put himself to bed. I wondered how many times the TV had spun the DVD menu. I struggled to sit up.
"No, no," Leighanne muttered, pushing me back down and rolling her eyes, "Don't go getting up, that might be too much work for you..." She let out a stream of a frustrated sigh and turned away and started collecting things off the floor.
Baylee and I had been playing knights. We'd had Baylee's plastic light sabers, but we were pretending they were swords, and there was a lego castle, but Godzilla Mayme had knocked it down and the pieces had been scattered by our epic battle for the treasure of Poptartopia. I winced at the memory of the falling bucket full of Playdoh that I'd later stepped on and mushed into the carpet and the Reeses Pieces, popcorn and pizza Baylee and I had consumed... not to mention the empty Solo cups we'd emptied then made a 'telephone' with...
"This place is a freaking disaster, Brian," Leighanne complained, "I just cleaned it. What were you thinking?"
"Aw honey," I drawled, "We were just having fun."
"You always have fun!" she yelled. She threw down the solo cups she'd collected, "Brian that's exactly the problem, don't you see? You always, always are just having fun with Baylee. You never clean up after yourselves, you don't teach him to clean up... Then you go off gallavanting with the fellas to all the far corners of the earth while mommy stays home and cleans up the mess!"
She'd thrown her hands into the air in exasperation. "I'm sick to death of being treated like a maid, Brian."
"You aren't a maid," I said. I paused, "But maybe we could get you one of those cute little outfits sometime and..."
"You are not getting sex, so don't even get yourself excited there, Mister," Leighanne snapped. She turned and started recollecting the cups she'd just thrown down. "In fact, you're not getting sex again until you man up."
"What?" I jumped up, "What do you mean man up?" I demanded.
She turned to face me, our eyes level with one another with me in my stocking feet and her in her shoes. She stared right into my eyes, intensity seeping out of her like there was no tomorrow. "Until you start acting like you are my husband and not a second son, you are not getting any sex. Capiche?"
I stared at her. "I am not acting like a second son," I snapped.
"Oh? Oh, aren't you, Brian?" she asked. She stormed out of the room and into the kitchen. I heard her heels clicking on the tile floor. A moment later she returned with a trashbag, shoving the solo cups inside. "Let's see. You make a mess and expect me to clean it, you can't do your own laundry, or do the dishes, or make your own meals... You're hopeless getting dressed in the morning unless I have clothing laying out for you on the bed... Your idea of making a romantic gesture is coloring a coloring page in with Baylee and the crayons..." she stared at me. "Yes, Brian, you're acting like a second son."
"But honey," I said, "You like doing that stuff."
She froze. "I like cleaning up after you? Constantly?" she asked.
"Yeah, don't you?"
Leighanne glowered, she grabbed the empty pizza box and shoved it into the bag so hard it should've been an ad for Hefty Flexgrip bags. "Ohhh my God, YES!" she screamed, "I'm going to have a freaking orgasm this is just sooooo enjoyable for me! Cleaning up after my pig husband!"
I stared at her.
"Ohhh Brian," she murmured, "Please, make messes faster, make them harder to clean up Brian! Faster! Harder!"
I would never admit this to her but.... that kind of turned me on.
Okay, so it turned me on a lot actually.
Please don't tell her. Ever.
"Why are you being such a bitch?" I asked.
We both stood there staring at each other.
"It's like there's two of you - the sweet woman I married and love and this.. this incredibly insane, psychotic bitch woman who sneaks out of you whenever you're --" I stopped.
The stupidity of my mouth had just sunk in.
I'd dug my own grave.
And it was shallow.
"How. Dare. You," she gasped. "I don't believe you." She dropped the bag. "I'll be upstairs."
"Leighanne, baby.... Wait..."
She bolted for the stairs and started thundering up them. I stumbled over an empty Reeses Pieces box and almost hit the carpet. "Leighanne, honey..." I wailed. But I heard our bedroom door slam shut behind her.
I sighed and lowered myself down onto the couch and looked around at the mess, at the flickering Enchanted DVD menu on the screen, and at the wedding band on my hand. I ran my hands through my hair.
"Damn it." I sighed.
