The Legend of Sir Nicksalot
AJ - tutu and all - did not disappear with the pinching of my arm. He stayed quite vividly in front of me. My jaw dropped. If only I had a camera. I imagined what all the chirpsters would say if I posted a picture of this on Twitter.
"Who are you and from whence have you come?" AJ asked, fluttering his little wand thingy towards my chin. He eye-balled me.
"Dude, J," I said, "You know who I am..." I rolled my eyes. "How'd I get here anyways? I think I might've cracked my head on the wall in my basement..."
A general tittering went up through the herd of Baylee behind me.
AJ raised an eyebrow, "You're messed up, the fall from above must've really malfunctioned you..." He leaned around and peeked into my ear. "Very interesting," he muttered.
"What?" I asked, turning. He turned with me.
"I can see straight through," he replied.
I groaned and jumped away from him. "Seriously, J, I'm worried about the fall I took and --"
"He thinks he knows the Princess Leighanne!" cried out one of the Baylees.
"Thank you, Blurty," AJ replied, waving his little wand at him.
"Blurty?" I snorted, "What kind of new nickname is that?"
"That's his name," AJ responded. He looked at the Baylees. "Didn't yall introduce yourselves to him?"
"NO!" yelled the one that had spoken a moment ago. The other six of them stared at him. "Sorry," he muttered, "That's why they call me Blurty," he said, blushing.
"And I'm Helpful," came another voice.
"Smiley," eked out another.
"Stinky."
"Yawny," yawned another one, rubbing his belly sleepily.
"Hyper!" cried out the second to the last. He spastically thumbed at a morose looking one standing beside him, "And he's Whiney."
I paused. "Wait, wait... Blurty, Helpful, Smiley, Stinky, Yawny, Hyper and Whiney?" I paused, "What am I? Like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves here?"
AJ, the Wood Fairy King with a purple tutu, blinked at me. "Who the fuck is Snow White?" he asked, he glanced around, "And what the hell are dwarves?"
"Nevermind," I said, rolling my eyes, "Look, I just wanna wake up now, please. Can someone please go find my wife? I need to go to the hospital, obviously I've incurred serious brain damage."
"Your wife?" AJ asked. He eye-balled me, "I thought you were looking for the Lovely Lady Leighanne?"
"I am," I snapped, getting irritated.
A gasp drew through all the Baylees and AJ collectively. AJ dropped to his knees before me and bowed his head - the Baylees all following suit. I glanced around, "What in the hell...?" I muttered.
"If you are seeking Lady Leighanne as you wife," said AJ in a hallowed voice, "Then you must be the promised one."
"The promised -- what?"
He rolled his eyes, "Please," he said, "Don't act so stupid, promised one, surely you know the legend."
I raised an eyebrow, "The legend?"
"TELL THE LEGEND!!!" the Baylees all squealed in unison.
"Ah the legend..." AJ raised a hand to his forehead, "The legend of Sir Nicksalot..." he mused. Suddenly a chair was shoved up behind me, knocking my feet out from under me, and I found myself seated in the middle of the woods on a plush red-velvet throne. Four of the Baylees crowded at my feet, two more crawled onto my lap and the last one - Hyper, I'm guessing - bounced foot-to-foot excitedly beside me. AJ cleared his throat.
"The lovely Lady Leighanne, the fairest maiden of all the land of Fail, was to be crowned Queen, to marry the Emperor Pesky..." AJ began. "It was the eve of their wedding night, the celebrations were underway throughout the entire kingdom, when a fire-breathing dragon flew into the confines of the palace gates, scaled the highest tower of the castle, reached through the window with his big slimey hands, and stole the future-Queen from the palace... He flew away, leaving behind Lady Leighanne's evil twin, the Raving Reena... The bitchiest maiden in all of the land of Fail..."
AJ's eyes watered up. He took a deep breath, and continued, "The legend goes that Sir Nicksalot, a Knight of the palace of Fail was on duty the night that the lovely Lady Leighanne was kidnapped..."
A loud snuffle erupted from Whiney, who was sitting on my knee, "I hate this part," he whined. I glanced at him, eyebrow raised, and looked back at AJ.
"Sir Nicksalot was the beloved guardian of the future-Queen, he followed her everywhere like a pup making sure that she remained safe for her future-King. Alas, though, Sir Nicksalot, despite his valiantly good intentions, was always a..." AJ hesitated, "...a playboy," he said delicately, glancing at the Baylees. He paused, then mouthed, man whore, winked, and continued, "So he was easily distracted by one of the damsels of the courts, who was dancing through the hallways in celebration. Once Sir Nicksalot attentions were on the bed chambers next door instead of protecting the Lady Leighanne, the Dragon swooped in and stole her."
"It's just sooo sad," wailed Whiney.
Yawny had fallen asleep on my other knee.
"Sir Nicksalot tried his best to stop the dragon from stealing the future-Queen," AJ said, and he began to charade out the rest of the story... "He whipped out his sword - keep it clean, dirty minds," he injected and I rolled my eyes, "And he pierced the dragon's hands, trying to free the Lady Leighanne, but it was of no use - the dragon escaped, carrying away the beloved future-Queen."
"So who is this Promised One then?" I demanded, "Sir Nicksalot sounds like he's got things under control. Why hasn't he gone to find the -" I paused. "Oh good Lord we're talking about Nick aren't we?" I asked. I rolled my eyes, "AJ this is ridiculous."
"Sir Nicksalot," AJ said, stressing the name, "Tried to find the Lady Leighanne. He searched high and low and far and near and left no stone unturned."
"Dragons are a little big to fit under a stone," I cracked.
Nobody looked amused.
"Lady Leighanne was never found," AJ said, "And the evil Raving Reena was crowned Queen of the Kingdom of Fail," he said. He shook his head. "She rules with an iron fist, and powers none could fathom in a terrible rage. She is a cruel queen, who demands nonstop work and toiling and refuses to pay the wages of any man -" AJ smirked, "Especially the King... If you know what I mean."
I sighed.
"The citizens of Fail were desperate, so they turned to the diviner and asked what they could do to find the Lady Leigh..." AJ said. He closed his eyes and recited, "To you one day, to find Lady Leigh, a Promised One will come - Defeat the Queen, for she is mean, and strike the dragon dumb - To clean the mess, return her highness, the Promised One will come."
I stared at AJ.
"You are that Promised One," he said quietly.
