Promised Ones, Spandex, and Singing Woodland Creatures
"You are that Promised One."
The mysticism of the moment seemed to hang in the air a moment. Or maybe it was the sound of the Baylee's all singing a quiet "ahhh" note that supplied a dramatic effect. I shook my head and said, "You're all insane."
AJ's face fell, "Insane?" he demanded, "I just tell you you're the Promised One of the land of Fail - someone we've been waiting and hoping for for years - and you tell me we're all insane?" He rolled his eyes, "Some Promised One you've turned out to be."
"Well what the hell do you expect me to say, AJ? You're dressed like a fairy and telling me these messed up fairy tales while seven of my son dance around me... I'm probably laying in the basement of my house bleeding to death while Leighanne sleeps soundly and I can't get anyone to freaking WAKE MY WIFE UP TO SAVE MY LIFE!" I panted from the energy and passion I'd put into the sentence.
"Don't you get it?" he asked lowly, "This is what you need to do to find her. You have to find her."
I glowered at AJ, "Why?"
"Because!" AJ wailed, "You said yourself that she's missing, didn't you? You said yourself that she's been taken over by an evil woman, haven't you? What is so far fetched about this? Her evil twin Queen Reena has taken over her throne and the Lady Leighanne has been kidnapped. Only you, the Promised One, can find her and bring her back."
"Because there is no Queen Reena! There is no throne, no land of Fail, no kidnapping! There's no Promised One!"
Whiney stared up at me, his big blue eyes wide and hopeless. Tears formed in the ducts. "No... No Promised One?" he gasped quietly, "But... but without the promised one... without the promised one who will bring Lady Leighanne back?" he began to cry.
Even Hyper and Smiley now looked like they'd be better named Depressed and Forlorn.
I sighed. "Don't..." I begged, "Please, don't cry..."
"But there's no Promised One," wailed Yawny, who had woken up. "What hope is left? The Lady Leighanne is gone forever."
"But she's noly just upstairs," I said in a pleading voice.
Even AJ was crying.
"Oh for the love of Pete," I groaned, "Fine," I said, "I'll be the stupid Promised One!" The tears instantly stopped and were replaced by a loud, echoing shout of hooray! I sucked a deep breath as AJ hooked hands with Hyper and started spinning in a circle joyfully. "Just one question," I asked, "Exactly what does a Promised One do?"
AJ and Hyper stoppeed spinning.
"You save the day of course," blurted Blurty.
I blinked, "Alone?"
"FEAR NOT............... YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR QUEST!!!!!!!!"
Nick's voice came from behind me. I heard brush shaking and moving and what sounded like the clop-clop of a horse only... not exactly. I closed my eyes. Knowing Nick, I was about to encounter the worst insanity of this entire dream.
I turned around.
And there it was.
Nick was before me in the grass, a stick horse between his legs, clop-clopping with his tongue as he pushed through the last bits of brush. He made a whinney sound as he stopped and mumbled, "Whoa boy," and shook the yard reign that hung from the horse's wooden handles. But, I'm sorry to say, the stick horse and clop-clopping was not the worst of the vision.
"Where in hell did you get my costume from?" I demanded, pointing.
Nick was wearing the costume we'd rented for the dubbed movies we'd made for the This is Us tour. You know... the one that was actually the Prince from Enchanted's? He had on the hat with the feather and the big round shoulder arm sleeve-ball-things and the spandex. His legs were like long purple seas of Spandex. There was more spandex on that man than I thought existed. The saddest part? He'd forgone the boots and was still wearing his Converse sneakers underneath it all.
"What costume dost thou speaketh of?!" he demanded in a voice that came somewhere from deep inside his puffed out chest.
I looked at AJ, "Please tell me he stops trying to speak olde English?" I asked.
"Yo Sir Nicksalot, stop with the olde English, this one speaks slang."
"Oh thank God, dawg, I was gettin' so freakin' sick of adding -eths to everything!" Nick looked at me. "Yanno we've had like 14 so-called Promised Ones show up and they all chicken out before we get to the dragon?"
I sighed.
"The last one spoke Olde English," he clarified, "He knew what resign means," he added.
"It means to give up a position, not reside, you idiot," AJ growled.
"It means to park your damn horse and where would you PARK A HORSE," Nick yelled, "BESIDES HOME?!?"
"Who knows, SINCE YOU DON'T GOT A REAL HORSE?" AJ yelled back.
"HEY!" I cut in, waving my hands between the two of them - who both looked like angry bulls at the moment, "My son is watching us right now -- all seven of him -- can we pleas not act like we're in a psychotic WWF ring?"
AJ's eyes widened, "Crap, the Miniroks!" He turned to the seven Baylees, "I'm sorry fellas," he said, kneeling down and opening his arms out wide, "I wasn't really angry at Sir Nicksalot!" All the Baylees ran to him for a hug.
I looked at Nick. "Okay, Frack," I said, "Listen to me, you're my only hope, I need your help. It's like this- I fell down my stairs in the basement, and I hit my head and now I'm hallucinating and--"
Nick stared at me. "That's a really big word you just used there, buddy." He tapped the side of his head, "Respect the hair, please... Repeat?"
"WAKE ME UP!" I begged.
Nick smiled, "You are awake silly." He paused, "Although there was this one time when I was sleep walking on the bus when I---"
I smacked my forehead and turned back to AJ and the so-called Miniroks. "Ok so now I'm stuck with Sir Nickypoo here. Now what?"
"STUCK WITH?" Nick's eyes widened, "STUCK WITH?"
"You are a bit of a pain in the ass," AJ conceeded.
Nick scowled, "I'll have you know --" he said, then he paused. "Better yet, let's ask my little woodland friends, shall we?" He stuck two fingers into his mouth and whistled.
"Oh God," AJ moaned, "Not the woodland creatures."
"The woodland--"
But before I could ask what the woodland creatures were, a collection of small animals from the forrest - a squirrel, an opossum, four red and blue birds, a chipmunk, a turtle, two rabbits, a skunk and what looked like a living Chia pet - came bustling out of the trees and collected around Nick's feet. The birds landed on his shoulder ball thing.
"Tell 'em fellas," he said.
And - to music that was coming from Lord knows where, with a tune that sounded like a rock & roll version of Up On the Housetop - the woodland creatures broke into song.
Sii-iir Nick defends us, he's sooo brave
Swings his sword and scares our haters
He even fends off aligators!
Nick, Nick, Sir Nicksalot
We-eee love him with all we've got
Share our nuts and seeds and fish
And would grant him any wish
Oh, oh, oh - you should know
Oh, oh, oh - you should knoo-ooow
How lucky you are to have him -quick, quick, quick-
Thank the Lord for Si-iiir Nick!
As soon as the music stopped all the woodlad creatures ran back into the forrest and disappeared. Nick cheesed at AJ and the Miniroks and I. I blinked.
"Thank you Woodland Creatures!" Nick called out.
"What in the name of San Jose was that?" I asked.
"The song of those who appreciate me," Nick replied, glaring at AJ.
"DO IT AGAIN!" cried three out of seven of the Baylees.
"NO!" AJ and I cried at once just before Nick stuck his fingers in his mouth and whistled them all back again. "Once is more than enough, "AJ supplemented.
Nick shrugged, "Whatever man; personally, I could listen to'em all day."
"I'm sure," AJ hissed under his breath.
I glanced between them. AJ in his tutu, Nick in his spandex... I sighed, unsure which one was more pathetic at the moment. Honestly, it was a tie.
I was kinda scared where I was gonna find Howie in this dream.
